Recent break-up

[vam98]

I was in a non-monogamous relationship of approx. 1 year with someone with BPD. I recently broke-up with her. The summarised reason for this is that it felt like I was punished by her through a constant distant tone in her communication (via text messages). Going through very challenging times myself, it felt like she couldn't be there for me and wasn't able to show me the compassion that I needed from a partner. There were two extremely difficult elements: a) I recently broke up with another partner and moved away, turning my relationship with her into a long-distance one. b) She has an extremely demanding job that became increasingly busy over the past months. There was no time to even call one another and I felt like I couldn't reach her.

We've had many conflicts and difficulties since our new circumstances fully kicked in. And had some loving talks (irl) in between where we evaluated and agreed that it might not work out, but that we cared about each other and would then like to stay friends. Also we tried giving each other space. This was difficult to realize - I think we both had different ideas about 'space' and it resulted in conflict.

What led me to the break-up was: me addressing the inequality and my questions around to what extent she was ever going to let me into her life (I felt like she was never going to make enough space for me, like I always had to be patient for the right time that she and her other partner could handle certain elements/stages of our relationship). I then only received a practical response and I felt like my emotional vulnerability was ignored. As a response to this I said that I wondered if we wanted the same things and that I'd prefer to talk about this in real life (we'd see each other a week later). Her response to this was cold and distant and I couldn't figure out if she was angry with me, or just a bit formal. With all the other stressors in my life it made me extremely anxious (and I realised I'd been afraid of her being 'angry with me' many times before, leading to me always trying to harmonise things).

The next day I realized I couldn't take it anymore and announced my break up through a text. Something she probably thought was cold-hearted from me - she responded extremely emotionless and curt. A few days later I sent her a letter in which I further contextualised my decision. Actively trying not to blame her, putting emphasise on that I hoped we could find a good way to say goodbye. To that I received an even more curt response. It triggered panic attacks for me - I felt scared of the thought of having to face her in real life - how could she treat me so coldly, knowing that I was facing really difficult circumstances personally? Knowing that I deeply cared about her (I mentioned this so many times)? It felt like she was actively trying to control or dominate me. I felt neglected. People close to me said: you are allowed to cancel the meeting if it makes you feel so distressed.

Which I then did. I decided to send a formal message (actively trying not to show any vulnerability anymore which she could weaponise) to end it. As a response I got a call and she completely fell out and attacked me. I've never experienced anything like it.

She yelled that she didn't respect me anymore, that she didn't see me as the person anymore that she thought I was. That I was selfish for focusing on myself and interpreting her lack of/curt communication as a rejection towards me, whereas she 'was just so extremely busy' (then listing all the things she hadn't been able to do because of the business - basically saying I shouldn't complain because she occasionally did reply to me or call me, like I had some special status).

I didn't have the armour to stand up for myself and broke down, cried and apologised. Somehow this brought me a temporary sense of relief - at least she calmed down when I bent towards her and it made me slightly recognise her again. In this moment of 'weakness' I proposed to still see each other - a couple of weeks later.

I'm currently heavily reflecting upon and catching up with everything that happened and notice I'm again feeling anxious and powerless about the meeting that's coming up. What good can come of this? It seems she is extremely unwilling or unable to reflect upon how her behaviour has hurt me or at least made me feel. Ideally I want her to apologise to me and show me compassion for what I'm going through and that she shouldn't have yelled at me. But I'm starting to realise she won't give me that. I won't accept another tsunami of blame - I can't take it anymore.

I'm confused by who she is, what our relationship has meant, and why I have been ignoring my own boundaries along the way. It probably has to do with the fact that she was quite open about her BPD, and shared a lot of difficult moments with me through which I supported her (and never judged her). I saw how much she was struggling and it made me walk on eggshells for a bit too long, ignoring my own needs. The non-monogamy aspect made it all the more complicated - like I was constantly put at arm's length and couldn't get as close as I longed for.

After some really bad days (it has felt like she was hovering over me in my own house and my bed), I'm starting to feel a bit more calm and like myself. (Although, writing this message here makes me scared that she'll read along somehow, and will get angry with me for exposing her, and for stigmatising her.)

Friends again tell me: you don't have to go to that meeting. But I struggle with guilt and doubt my own perception. I still empathise with the fact that she was going through a hard time as well and still a part of me doubts about my own behaviour and responsibility in this situation - it feels like I could've done things better, prevented this, etc. I think the main problem has been that it feels like she has/will always be the one who's suffering more in the relationship and therefore deserves more support or space than me.

Thanks for listening.