Hot Cold Behavior

[Depression = 72% of members]

Recently, my BPD partner seems divided on how he feels about me - it's like watching a ginormous internal struggle take place and I am uncertain if this is a ride it out deal, or a deal breaker.

We recently went through a "break-up" albeit not in the classic sense.  Communication never stopped, only words of affection.  Over the weeks, words of affection have resurface, along with "I love you's" etc. A lot affirmations, in regard to desiring hugs or physical affection (albeit I am out of town an cannot respond immediately with physical touch atm)

However, today we were having a discussion about some life changes I've been pursing  - he made a very strong claim about me, and I simply observed that he has strong feelings about who I am, and that sometimes I feel misheard and misunderstood.  He followed by stating he understands me less than anyone he has every dated, he has "never felt comfortable" around me, never felt a strong bond "like we are one," and has never been able to be himself around me.  He said he had a lot of resentment built up that he doesn't think he can ever get over.

All of this came quite abruptly after sharing all about his day, checking in on how I've been feeling, what he's been working on (at length), and telling me just how much he's misses my cuddles.  I am attempting to be patient but he's gone silent since I asked him a few questions about what he said.

Specifically I feel confused about the lack of a bond or connection, when he is the one who has maintained contact.  He messages me every day the minute he wakes up as our schedules are not aligned.  I know there is no way for anyone to be certain, but is the reality that he's keeping me around because he's simply lonely, is this testing behavior to see if I'll abandon him, or does he really want to get away and just doesn't know how to let go?

I've told him that I'll give him time to think on it and respond and confirmed that I care for him other than that is there any other action, or non-action I should take?

[athena wanderer]

Recently, my BPD partner seems divided on how he feels about me - it's like watching a ginormous internal struggle take place and I am uncertain if this is a ride it out deal, or a deal breaker.

We recently went through a "break-up" albeit not in the classic sense.  Communication never stopped, only words of affection.  Over the weeks, words of affection have resurface, along with "I love you's" etc. A lot affirmations, in regard to desiring hugs or physical affection (albeit I am out of town an cannot respond immediately with physical touch atm)

However, today we were having a discussion about some life changes I've been pursing  - he made a very strong claim about me, and I simply observed that he has strong feelings about who I am, and that sometimes I feel misheard and misunderstood.  He followed by stating he understands me less than anyone he has every dated, he has "never felt comfortable" around me, never felt a strong bond "like we are one," and has never been able to be himself around me.  He said he had a lot of resentment built up that he doesn't think he can ever get over.

All of this came quite abruptly after sharing all about his day, checking in on how I've been feeling, what he's been working on (at length), and telling me just how much he's misses my cuddles.  I am attempting to be patient but he's gone silent since I asked him a few questions about what he said.

Specifically I feel confused about the lack of a bond or connection, when he is the one who has maintained contact.  He messages me every day the minute he wakes up as our schedules are not aligned.  I know there is no way for anyone to be certain, but is the reality that he's keeping me around because he's simply lonely, is this testing behavior to see if I'll abandon him, or does he really want to get away and just doesn't know how to let go?

I've told him that I'll give him time to think on it and respond and confirmed that I care for him other than that is there any other action, or non-action I should take?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CanBuild91]

Wow, I relate to this so much. My ex used to use these exact phrases, verbatim, about how she "never felt comfortable" around me, while I contend that she felt more comfortable around me than anyone in her life, ever. She did after all lose her virginity to me in her late 20s, and shared more physical and emotional intimacy with me than anybody she's ever known. And then went on to claim that she "never" felt comfortable. Was she uncomfortable when she fell asleep on top of me listening to my heartbeat?  Not trying to hijack OP's story, but curious to hear insight from others on this shared behavior because it still bewilders me years later.

[athena wanderer]

Goodness - seems I jumped the gun just slightly on my post.  My pwBPD answered the phone late this afternoon and chatted away like nothing happened.  When I raised my concern, he said that he just had nothing more to say on the subject, so I requested that if he feels that way during a conversation to please let me know with a simple "I don't feel like talking about this further atm" or similar; he agreed to this.

Here in lies the problem, in deciding he had nothing more to say, he also entirely avoided responding to my questions.  The one question that continues to haunt the relationship since our breakup last year is the question of why he returned to rekindle the relationship, (even building me an new office at our house and saying he was happy his dating days were behind him).   After he listed his grievances with me, I asked him with different wording today, why we remain in contact, if his concerns are so deep.  He has continued to ignore this line of inquiry.

This of course, leads me to consider several things . . . he has few friends, and he's comfortable talking to me a length . . . so this is to assuage loneliness while he looks for greener pastures.  He genuinely loves me as he's stated and this is just par for the course with untreated BPD meaning he's prone to wild swings and unhelpful patterns of thought.

[athena wanderer]

and @CanBuild91 - interesting to hear the phraseology is so similar.  I am curious about this behavior as well, albeit I feel like it could stem from inconsistent self-identity.