Relationship ended by BPD partner due to extended silent treatment

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi amazing community, I am new to this, having posted once before. I have been in an extended silent treatment with my partner who I am now assuming does not want this relationship further. This comes after we had an amazing time of closeness on holidays, and were very connected, and I am honestly a bit embarrassed to admit, that we have been through a few "cycles" (this is the third) where he up and left suddenly due to something I had done (such a familiar story here). For the past 8 months, I had been reading the appropriate books, setting boundaries, exercising self-care and working on my part in the drama triangle.  I think my acceptance of this never changing is truly setting in - and awareness of how my wishful thinking had allowed me to get back into relationship with him so now we are at this point. So much learning to do. I know of course I loved the times when I was the object of his love and affection, so I had been actively seeking to validate myself, time with friends and hobbies outside of the relationship. This time his sudden disconnect and subsequent silence have not been as destabilizing for me, and when he initially disconnected I was clear that I needed time and that if we were to reconnect it would need to be very different than before, and not just jump back in as if nothing had happened. I do feel hurt and sad, which I guess are not surprising but shows there are still parts of me that haven't accepted what the relationship actually is/was.  I think I just need encouragement and support to remember not to romanticize the "good times" as if these times were separate from the entire cycle that goes with BPD relationships. I think for me this is the critical difference - that both parts of him are him - and the devaluing/blame/silence etc. is not a part that will go away. And, to recognize that my life is rich, and this relationship would not have been something sustainable and would have likely destroyed everything I had built.

[Rosalina]

Hi amazing community, I am new to this, having posted once before. I have been in an extended silent treatment with my partner who I am now assuming does not want this relationship further. This comes after we had an amazing time of closeness on holidays, and were very connected, and I am honestly a bit embarrassed to admit, that we have been through a few "cycles" (this is the third) where he up and left suddenly due to something I had done (such a familiar story here). For the past 8 months, I had been reading the appropriate books, setting boundaries, exercising self-care and working on my part in the drama triangle.  I think my acceptance of this never changing is truly setting in - and awareness of how my wishful thinking had allowed me to get back into relationship with him so now we are at this point. So much learning to do. I know of course I loved the times when I was the object of his love and affection, so I had been actively seeking to validate myself, time with friends and hobbies outside of the relationship. This time his sudden disconnect and subsequent silence have not been as destabilizing for me, and when he initially disconnected I was clear that I needed time and that if we were to reconnect it would need to be very different than before, and not just jump back in as if nothing had happened. I do feel hurt and sad, which I guess are not surprising but shows there are still parts of me that haven't accepted what the relationship actually is/was.  I think I just need encouragement and support to remember not to romanticize the "good times" as if these times were separate from the entire cycle that goes with BPD relationships. I think for me this is the critical difference - that both parts of him are him - and the devaluing/blame/silence etc. is not a part that will go away. And, to recognize that my life is rich, and this relationship would not have been something sustainable and would have likely destroyed everything I had built.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi, Sorry to hear that your relationship seems to have finally ended.. though on the other hand I'm glad to see that you now have acceptance of it and are concentrating on recovery and your own well-being. This is a great step. Think positively of all the good things you have in life.

After suffering for a time I think we eventually build up a resistance and find ourselves slightly less-bothered than we would have been before. It still hurts but now we're getting some acceptance that everything was not perfect and rosy and, in some areas, was definitely toxic and not good for us. Much as we want to stay in the relationship, the simple fact is we're better out of it.

Once we realise that the bad times outweighed the good then that's when we start the recovery process proper. It's hard to move on while we're still in the 'maybe they'll change next time' frame of mind.. and we've all been there. None of us would have given up if there had been some genuine chance still there, but sometimes you just can't do any more.

Nothing wrong with a little reminiscing either - but keep it firmly in it's place ie the past.  My own ex-BPD was a demon pool player and everytime I see a girl playing pool I think of her. Certain songs also trigger memories of the happy times we had.. but I'm always aware of how rare these times were and how much the bad times hurt. I keep it all in perspective and, hard though it was at the time, breaking up for good was always the right thing to do.

I wish you well with your healing and new life - anything is now possible for you!

Best wishes

[Rosalina]

Thank you very much Under The Bridge. I think I had this misconception also that if I stood up for myself, was assertive, used the communication strategies that are recommended here, then it would somehow break the pattern or his misconceptions about me. I definitely feel my confidence has taken a hit with the accusations that he had towards me. Recovery will be working with that part of me and finding confidence in myself again. I heard that he communicated with one of my children, in a very hopeless way, and subtly blamed me for the relationship breakdown. It is all just upsetting. I am not really sure how to reclaim that confidence and to have hope that love is actually possible.

[Under The Bridge]

I am not really sure how to reclaim that confidence and to have hope that love is actually possible.

Just be yourself; the same loving and caring person that you showed to your partner. Sadly, his condition prevented him from seeing and appreciating what he had but that was always his problem, never yours. You will meet someone who will return all you give them so stay positive. You had a life before you met your ex and you will have one again. The world and all its possibilities are still there. I find that good things, like meeting someone new, happen when I least expect them so be ready!

I too had hopes that one day my ex would just suddenly 'get it' and see how destructive her behaviour was and we'd be a happy and committed couple from then on but of course this just doesn't happen with BPD as the condition is ingrained so deeply in them.

I remember having - or trying to have - long talks with her but she would usually just stare into the distance, appearing totally disconnected and barely saying a word. The total lack of communication is one of the most frustrating things to cope with, as I'm sure you'll know.

There comes a time when even the most caring and patient of us has to now put ourselves first.

Best wishes