How to protect myself

[Shedd]

I currently feel like I am in the start of the recycling phase so i want to know how it's worked for people. I'm trying not to get sucked back in.

She said we are over, but wants to try and be friends.  I am ok with this because I really do care about her and would like to have her in my life even if we don't talk much.

She made a promise a while back to help me get closure, but the questions I asked had the same answers as before so that didn't really help much, but Ive been over her for a little while now.

She told me that SHE felt trapped in the relationship and didn't know a way to let me go sooner, BUT we got back together 3 times.  Why get back together if you felt trapped before?  If she felt so trapped why did she keep me from all my friends and be so jealous of every person that I talked to?  I want to ask her more questions, but I think she's done talking about our past relationship.  I'm a little hurt by this because she had many chances to stay away from me if she wanted.  I am the one who kept wanting her to come back. Even tried an open relationship, but she didn't have to come back.  She also told me how perfect I was and afraid to let me go. Lol

How do I protect myself in all this and still be friends?  I still have feelings for her, part of me will always have feelings, but  now that she's back on FB I can see her "perfect" little life.  I have unfollowed her, but I get curious and sneak on her page.  

I have set boundaries for our new "friendship." We're only at the texting stage right now.  I'm just a little worried this is all a set up to try to get me back in the relationship, but now I'm feeling like i really trapped her before.

I mean i was the one who asked her out, but she was the one who asked to be my gf first.

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[Grey Kitty]

When you were in a relationship with her, she played push-pull games with you, sucking you in, then rejecting you and throwing you out, going back and forth. Or at least I'm assuming she did.

My experience with pwBPD is that if she will do this in a relationship, she will do it as a "friend" as well.

So as a friend she will do and say things to draw you into intimacy that isn't appropriate for "just a friend". Then she will get scared, and probably shut you out. Still just as a "friend" though.

You need incredibly strong boundaries to keep her in your life and not get yanked around. Many have found that they don't have that. Even if you do, you may find that the distance required to keep it "safe" takes away most of your reasons for wanting a friendship anyhow.

[Skip]

She made a promise a while back to help me get closure, but the questions I asked had the same answers as before so that didn't really help much, but Ive been over her for a little while now.

It's important to resolve this without her. Involving her will be frustrating to you and shaming or feel clingy to her. This is the most common mistake members make when getting together - trying to get the partner to resolve old wounds.

I have set boundaries for our new "friendship." We're only at the texting stage right now.  I'm just a little worried this is all a set up to try to get me back in the relationship, but now I'm feeling like i really trapped her before.

It doesn't sound like you are ready for this... .you sound very vulnerable. If you are vulnerable and "triggery", just about any "ebb and flow" will feel like generate crisis for you.

You really have to work on yourself more than her - get yourself to a stronger state, not be co-dependent on her for your good feelings, be detached enough to roll with the ups and downs, be open enough for something to grow. Tall order right now.

You can try to micro-manage her interface, but don't fool yourself into thinking that will protect you from you own vulnerabilities, wounds, and triggers - mastering your own psyche is really what is needed here.

[Shedd]

You really have to work on yourself more than her - get yourself to a stronger state, not be co-dependent on her for your good feelings, be detached enough to roll with the ups and downs, be open enough for something to grow. Tall

You can try to micro-manage her interface, but don't fool yourself into thinking that will protect you from you own vulnerabilities, wounds, and triggers - mastering your own psyche is really what is needed here.

Oh, I have been working on myself and I am starting to make my needs happen more than others.  I've always been so giving of myself to everyone, but I've finally found that I need to make myself happy and not care so much about others.  I mean, I will still care about people, just not as much.  I'm sick of trying to help everyone's pain and they just push me down even when I try to hold all their pain.  It's not just my ex that I have given my heart to like that.

I am very aware lately of what I need to do to make myself happy and I am slowly changing things to better myself.  I am vulnerable to her because I will always have feelings for her being my first love, but I think i am strong enough to handle this better this time.