when is it physical abuse?

[Jack-a-Roe]

I have been in a relationship with my wife for 7 years.  The last 5 years has been an endless cycle of emotional abuse, separation, and attempts at reconciliation.  I've had 2 couples counselors say that she has signs of bpd.  My own research leads me to believe that she doesn't have a full on diagnosis but she has trauma induced emotional volatility that mimics bpd.  We are currently living in the same home in separate bedrooms and trying to find a way forward with a couples counselor.

There has been frequent bursts of anger at me on a regular basis, often over very small or benign things, often random and out of the blue to me.  I believe it is an emotionally abusive relationship and my own therapist is suggesting that I am in a trauma bond.  I love my wife very much and when it's working it's fantastic.  Problem is I never know when the bottom is going to drop out.

My question has to do with physical abuse.  We had a fight this morning in which she gouged my jaw with her fingers, and then my arms, screaming that she want to "rip my f---ing face off."  I didn't do anything to defend myself to touch her- I just glared angrily.  It didn't hurt, there was no lasting physical harm but it was clearly an aggressive move.  Apart from an aggressive shove a few years ago, this is the first time that her anger got really physical.  It feels like a line to me.  Oddly I initially sort of shrugged it off.  It was only after some reflection that I realized how much I have normalized abusive behavior that I didn't recognize this a red flag. 

I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts on what kind of behavior counts as physical abuse.  Should I view this a line that has been crossed or should I try to accept it as part of her emotional dysregulation. 

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[Lauters]

When my wife is raging & blaming, she sometimes stands 5 cm away from my face with bloodshot eyes and foaming at the mouth. But she doesn't touch me.
When I asked my physician and also a nurse of ER, how they would experience such a behaviour if one of their patients would act like that, they both said that they would consider this as physical aggression.
So, even without physical contact, there can be physical aggression.

When my wife acts like that, and I push her away in order to create some more distance between us because she's violating my personal space (when I step backwards to create that space, she is moving forward: so she leaves me no other choice?), would you consider me as being an aggressive person?

I guess it all depends of the situation. How did you experienced the physical contact? As a threat or as a touch?

[Pook075]

That's such a tough question to answer because we're all going to have different definitions of physical or mental abuse.  I was married to a BPD ex for 24 years and I can't tell you how many times she hit me, slapped me, tried running me over with the car, threw things at my head, etc. 

Was it physical abuse?  YES!!!  Did I have any clue at the time that it wasn't normal?  Nope, not at all.  I was clueless.  Yet here I am telling you that a grown woman driving my car and hitting me with it while I'm walking away from her didn't click in my mind as assault.

When you're "in the storm" so to speak, it's very easy to completely miss what's going on.  Stepping back makes it much clearer though.

For your incident, that's absolutely physical abuse.  I don't know the circumstances though, who said what, if it was the worst day of her life, etc.  All I know if that it's happened once now.  Once you can forgive if there's an apology involved for crossing a line.  But what if it becomes a pattern?

And what about simply saying, "I want to rip your face off..."  That's certainly not usual behavior and may be more alarming than the assault itself.

You have a lot of tough decisions to make and I don't envy you.  Hopefully you can talk it out with the site and make some decisions for next steps.