...Please share if you’ve been through something simular…
My situation wasn't exactly the same, but I did go through some "stages of grief" after learning from others - and reading about it - that my then-wife had a lot of the characteristics of BPD. I hoped she could change. I hoped she would see the need for more therapy (she had gone to therapy before we met, according to her) and get help to understand her behavior and how it was pushing us apart.
Anyways, the advice I got early on was
NOT to mention BPD to my wife, and try to work on issues and behaviors as I encountered them, without trying to analyze why she did something or get bogged down in her finger-pointing and blame deflection.
But anyways, she did find a therapist and go for a while, and we also saw three different therapists for marital counseling. My experience there, and from what she told me about her own individual counseling, was pretty consistent with others' experiences I've read about here, and I think you'd experience the same.
Generally speaking:
- pwBPD will avoid therapy or counseling as long as they can.
- if absolutely pressed or given an ultimatum, they will go to therapy, but will use it as an attempt to validate their own actions, deflect the blame for any problems in the relationship to you, or if not in a relationship then to someone else in their life (parents, siblings, etc.)
- if they're not allowed to do this, or the therapist sees through their behavior and attempts to force them to accept responsibility for their actions, they'll blow up and refuse to go anymore, and claim the therapist is against them or something like that.
They won't engage in therapy in good faith. They'll heavily embellish events to suit their own perspective and make them come off as the responsible, stable one, or even make up things out of whole cloth.
BPDxw told me once that she preferred to work with men, (including for therapy) because she felt she could get men to do what she wanted, but that didn't work with women.
When we were near our breaking point and she finally agreed to go to MC one more time, she let me pick the therapist, and I intentionally picked a woman (with extensive experience and with a masters' degree in psychology, i.e. an experienced professional). Well, sure enough, the therapist tried to hold her to some standards, drilling in on why she felt I "didn't love her enough" and what it would take to get her to stop constantly accusing me of having affairs, badmouthing me along those lines in front of our daughter, etc. Well, BPDxw started screaming at the therapist (!!!), stormed out, and said "fine, we'll just get divorced then" (I moved out and filed a few months later).
