Help: I feel like I can't manage anymore (spouse with BPD)

[Pluie]

This is my second post after joining the board. Since then, I have started therapy again. Unluckily, things are not going better. I kindly ask for the board's support and advice...thank you in advance for this.

Due to a series of misadventures that I will not start listing right now, we (me, 29F; he 30m) are now dealing with the aftermath of a long-distance marriage AND my thyroid cancer diagnosis. It's been several months since he left, and after two surgeries my health has not improved the way it was supposed to. Plus, my mother is also receiving treatment for a breast cancer diagnosis. Long story short: I simply just can't leave and move counties yet.

It has been months of fights, pain, and long silences. My partner has been swinging between what seems like understanding and love to plain indifference, bias, and what he calls 'pauses'. I have been told things like "doctors say it's treatable, I don't see what the big deal is", "This is too much for me. You don't care about my pain", or "You are not the person I married anymore" so many times. I realize I am going through a range of emotions myself, and I am indeed not the most patient or positive person anymore. But right now I feel like I just can't cope with his BPD symptoms, my own depression and struggle to live, and the mixed reactions and uncostant support of my relatives and friends all at the same time.

I love my husband and I know this situation must be emotionally unbearable for him, but it just seems like I can't be vulnerable or express distress in a moment of extreme need. I simply cannot prioritise his triggers. I find myself wondering whether my relationship is making the most difficult moment of my life even harder. I wonder whether I should divorce and try to save what's left of my physical and mental health, move on. What I wonder is...are there ways this could improve? Should I expect things to get worse? I am willing to try, but the conditions right now are extreme.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

I realized in hindsight after divorcing my BPD ex that I was in the same situation- anything about my feelings or needs were dismissed entirely.  I wasn't sick like you though, and we weren't doing long-distance, so I never faced the position you're in today.  I'm so sorry.

There are things in this world more important than relationships and you're facing a few of them now.  That means you absolutely put your own needs first and worry about your marriage problems later.  If he wants to be there in a supportive way, great.  But you can't wait around for that since the stress on your marriage could be the thing slowing your recovery. 

Right now, your health (both physical and mental) must be the top priority.  And that doesn't mean giving up on your marriage, but it's just not something you can fight at the moment.  If he can't understand, then distance yourself temporarily...which you already have living in different countries.

[Pluie]

I realized in hindsight after divorcing my BPD ex that I was in the same situation- anything about my feelings or needs were dismissed entirely.  I wasn't sick like you though, and we weren't doing long-distance, so I never faced the position you're in today.  I'm so sorry.

There are things in this world more important than relationships and you're facing a few of them now.  That means you absolutely put your own needs first and worry about your marriage problems later.  If he wants to be there in a supportive way, great.  But you can't wait around for that since the stress on your marriage could be the thing slowing your recovery. 

Right now, your health (both physical and mental) must be the top priority.  And that doesn't mean giving up on your marriage, but it's just not something you can fight at the moment.  If he can't understand, then distance yourself temporarily...which you already have living in different countries.

Thank you, Pook. I think it is the best thing to do. I am not doing no contact, but I am reducing contact significantly since I cannot worry about my significant other's reactions to "bad news". I also need time to think.

[Pook075]

Thank you, Pook. I think it is the best thing to do. I am not doing no contact, but I am reducing contact significantly since I cannot worry about my significant other's reactions to "bad news". I also need time to think.

I absolutely agree and there's no rulebook here other than actually putting yourself (and your health) first.  As long as you do that, the rest will work itself out in time regardless of where life takes you.

Please keep us updated and feel free to ask questions.  That's what the family is here for!

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much right now.  I'd echo Pook's comments and urge you to prioritize your own health.

I've found that pwBPD tend not to do well when other people are sick.  Instead of being supportive, they do the opposite--they become even more needy.  I'm not sure why this is.  Maybe thinking about sickness stresses them out, and they crumble under stress.  Maybe they are peeved that the sick person is getting attention, when they crave all the attention.  Or maybe they're mad because you're attention is temporarily diverted away from the relationship because you have to focus on treatment and recovery sometimes.  Whatever the reason, the reality is that they show little to no empathy, and they act out.  I've seen this time and time again, with how a pwBPD handles sickness or death in the family.  I guess I'm saying, that no matter what you do or say, he's going to act out as long as you are sick.  Even mentioning that you got a treatment or saw a doctor could set him off, because the implication is that you did that instead of focusing 100% of your efforts on him.  He probably resents talking about illness because the spotlight is that, not him.  Maybe you just accept that and let him act out.  I know that hurts, but you focus on you.  That's the only way you'll get through this rough patch and be able to devote your energy to the relationship once again, if you care to do so.  It may be that his lack of support during your trying time is too painful for you.

In the meantime, I hope you find ways to care for yourself.  Maybe it's prayer, maybe it's counseling, maybe it's practicing a calm hobby like listening to music, knitting or playing with a pet.  Maybe it's coming here and posting to process your feelings.  All my best to you.

[Pook075]

I've found that pwBPD tend not to do well when other people are sick.  Instead of being supportive, they do the opposite--they become even more needy.  I'm not sure why this is.  Maybe thinking about sickness stresses them out, and they crumble under stress.  Maybe they are peeved that the sick person is getting attention, when they crave all the attention.  Or maybe they're mad because you're attention is temporarily diverted away from the relationship because you have to focus on treatment and recovery sometimes. 

I agree, I think they worry about the sickness, try to rationalize it away since it's throwing them off, and they ultimately make it about themselves and their own sadness.  She's sick...so what.  What about me and how I feel!?!

It's definitely sad and when you're in that situation, it's devastating.  I can still remember arguments with my ex when I'd say she hurt me over something, and she'd reply, "That's not a thing.  You can't feel hurt by that and you're just being dramatic."  She had so much empathy for others in her life but when it came to me, it just wasn't there.

There's just so much we'll probably never understand about BPD.  It stinks for everyone involved.