Hey BPD family,
I have been through what feels like hell and back and back to hell again. Im am building stronger boundaries today. Listening to walking on eggshells. My ex was diagnosed through my divorce with bpd and I've dealing with her now alinaiting me from ky children and battling my mom still who I am realizing my mom displays bpd traits as well. Im needing support and am processing my emotions the best I know how. Just going through a break up because the girl I was with said she cant watch it any longer. Says I should be the one to change. Im just doing my best to advocate for my two boys I love dearly who get caught in the middle. Anyways hello and I look forward to chatting.
Hello and welcome to the family! I'm so sorry you're going through this and I was in the same position about three years ago.
First, you may be divorced, but you'll always be co-parents for the rest of your life. My kids are 24 and 26, but I still occasionally talk to my BPD ex wife for something that comes up. We also have to talk about birthdays, holidays, etc. so I made it a huge priority to be friends with my ex for the children's' sake.
I agree with your recent ex; you do have to be the one who changes. Why? Your ex wife is mentally ill and possibly incapable of change without extensive therapy. That means you have to be the bigger person and stop the arguments, stop the division once and for all.
How? For me, it was telling my ex, "What happened between you and me doesn't matter as much as what's best for our kids. We have to find a way to be friends again." I would say that over and over again, every chance I had. And if my ex went off on me, I'd listen. Then I'd apologize that she feels that way and explain it was never my intention to hurt her.
Note- I apologized for hurting her FEELINGS, not whatever she was accusing me of. Every single time she wants to argue, I'm leading with an apology...I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I'm genuinely sorry. I did the best I could at the time and I wish that we would have talked this stuff out years ago.
By taking this stance, the arguments stopped completely because there was nothing to argue over anymore. If you're hurt, I'm so sorry I hurt you...I never meant to. What could she say next when I'm giving her EVERYTHING she ever wanted? It's about showing love and support in a compassionate way; it's the great equalizer for BPD because that's what 100% of the arguments come from.
Please feel free to ask questions and share more of your story. Hopefully you can see that I'm not saying any of this in judgement of you- all of us here got it wrong because it's so counter-intuitive. The only healthy way forward is for your ex-wife to stop being the enemy, and you're the only one who can make that happen (again, because she's mentally ill).
