I’m DONE with him, so why can’t I kick him out?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Flying monkeys are on a spectrum. The worst have an incredibly poor sense of self and blow with the wind, believe what they are told especially if it is in one simple sentence said with apparent confidence. Flying monkeys are also regularly targeted with updates. There are certain flying monkeys in my large extended dysfunctional family, who were targeted by my sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other members of the gang who scapegoat different members of the family from several generations as they like to feel superior to others. For years, I did not understand why people I had no regular contact with, abused me when they saw me. I realized that the smear campaign of my persona started years before I was aware of it, and I experienced certain members of the family scapegoated from birth. I now correct the flying monkeys when they put down me or another family member when it is worth it, with one simple sentence: That is not true.

[zachira]

Flying monkeys are on a spectrum. The worst have an incredibly poor sense of self and blow with the wind, believe what they are told especially if it is in one simple sentence said with apparent confidence. Flying monkeys are also regularly targeted with updates. There are certain flying monkeys in my large extended dysfunctional family, who were targeted by my sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other members of the gang who scapegoat different members of the family from several generations as they like to feel superior to others. For years, I did not understand why people I had no regular contact with, abused me when they saw me. I realized that the smear campaign of my persona started years before I was aware of it, and I experienced certain members of the family scapegoated from birth. I now correct the flying monkeys when they put down me or another family member when it is worth it, with one simple sentence: That is not true.

[zachira]

certain people who my sister and others targeted from birth

[Notwendy]

Have you wondered why you get targeted by the pwBPD or NPD? When I went through the recent "friend considers me guilty of something she thinks I did according to the story of the pwBPD" someone mentioned to me - this seems to happen to you. At first, I felt offended but then wondered- is this true and if so, why is this? 

I think it's that we don't act out. We tend to be the fixers, the ones to try to keep the peace rather than retaliate. It's low risk for them.

[zachira]

There are many reasons why a person can become the target of another person with NPD or BPD. Many of the scapegoats in my large extended dysfunctional  family were chosen from birth. The reasons each one was chosen range from being unattractive, not being brilliant, not being a person who outshines most people, being an unwanted child, jealousy about the child making a great aunt be the only sibling with no grandchildren, etc. I find that I become more of a target of the flying monkeys in my family when I resist being part of the narcissistic family cult. For example, there is no way, I could go along with a child being scapegoated since the day he was born, his great aunt getting others to participate in saying he was unlovable and defective.

[Notwendy]

The same dynamics are in my family. The roles of scapegoat and golden child were decided early on.

Where this puzzles me is socially, when someone you assume was a friend, seemingly out of the blue- turns on you like that. While the recent issue wasn't only directed at me- I received angry accusatory texts and right after that was blocked.

I don't think this happens to me more often than anyone else, but I think it is harder for me to brush off- as it is so similar to my family dynamics. I also think I have a higher tolerance for "soft red flags" due to them being familiar. If someone was outright "off"- I'd see that but since disordered people can hold it together in social/public settings- it's not as obvious. So perhaps I tolerate behaviors longer than someone else might have.

I have also learned to have better boundaries with these situations, and also not tolererate behaviors as much. I also wouldn't tolerate scapegoating a child. I think we do get ostracized when we don't go along with family dynamics but I don't want to be a part of that anyway - family or with social situations. I didn't "see this coming" with the friend but now that I have seen her reaction, I will keep things cordial but distant with her.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
You are genuinely interested in other people, really seem to hit the nail on the head most of the time when understanding another person's feelings and how to help him or her. I never want to treat another human being as badly as I was treated, so I tend to overcompensate by listening too much to other people without requiring some kind of healthy reciprocity. I also will not participate in the abuse of another people. So let's say our intense radar from growing up in a family with a mother with BPD who is enabled by most of the people she is surrounded by does determine our wanting to treat others with kindness and respect in addition to not ever being a flying monkey. I do get triggered when I suddenly get mistreated by a complete stranger. I was in the grocery store check out line the other day, and there was a basket on the check out counter unattended. I waited until  the clerk was close to finished ringing up the person in front of me, before I moved ahead. Then the owner of the basket came with several items and demanded to move ahead of me. I refused and she was livid. I later decided that I was not in the wrong as the check out line is for people who have finished shopping. If she had had one defective item, the clerk, could have taken her basket and decided to wait until she came back. I thought most people would have not done what I did. I just am not an enabler of bad behavior most of the time. Both you and I know how harmful and hurtful the flying monkeys can be, especially to children who do not have the same choices that an adult has.

[Notwendy]

I never want to treat another human being as badly as I was treated, so I tend to overcompensate by listening too much to other people without requiring some kind of healthy reciprocity. I also will not participate in the abuse of another people. So let's say our intense radar from growing up in a family with a mother with BPD who is enabled by most of the people she is surrounded by does determine our wanting to treat others with kindness and respect in addition to not ever being a flying monkey.

This- exactly. Even from a young age, I recall thinking "I won't treat other people like this" and so I do overcompensate without expecting reciprocity but then, I do have expectations and can be disappointed. I think I over value some relationships and hope the other person will reciprocate that value but now, I realize that may be one sided on my part. Yet, I tend to not see it, probably because, I don't want to, until it becomes too obvious not to.

And to loop back to the relationships here- this may be why some of us are so tenacious with these difficult relationships. Other people may have let go of them early on in the dating stage.

[zachira]

There are so many reasons why we work so hard to fix relationships that can't be fixed even when we barely know the person. Some examples: 1) Growing up in a family in which the parents' needs were the priority instead of the children's. How we are treated by our family of origin (FOO) is the core of who we are. When we are abused, this is a life long sorrow. It is natural to hope our family will genuinely make amends at some time, whereas with less important relationships we can more easily move on. 2) Wanting to never treat anyone as badly as we were treated. 3) Wanting to give back and not judge others too harshly. Most of my life, I was indeed not a very nice person most of the time, because my role models for how to treat others were so flawed. I am very appreciative of people who took the time to help me. I am always pleasantly surprised at who I can help and saddened by those people who there seems to be no hope for. I am sure that for many years, there were people who though I had a personality disorder.

[Notwendy]

I am sure that for many years, there were people who though I had a personality disorder.

My BPD mother's family thought the issues with my mother were because of me. They mostly knew me through what my BPD mother had said to them. I rarely saw them. 

Many years later they realized the larger picture and did apologize to me. I was surprised as I didn't expect it. Mostly- if someone was in my mother's circle, I kept a polite emotional distance.

We do learn behaviors from both parents- behaviors we then can work on changing when we are adults. These behaviors may have helped us to get by in our disordered families when we were younger but don't help us in relationships as adults.

You have come a long way Zachira. We are all a work in progress- progress, all of us.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Yes, we are both a work in progress. We are able to see through people in ways that others aren't because of how we have seen the masks slip with our disordered family members when in private. We get it much more easily that we are being recruited to be an enabler of bad behaviors, and experience the anger of disordered people who are just used to getting their way all the time because most people don't want to be bothered in dealing with their bad behaviors. I just can't look away especially when children are involved.