Finding Peace After No Contact: An Update

[Mommydoc]

I wanted to return to this community with an update and a heartfelt thank you. When I first found this board, I was overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, and trying to make sense of years of painful dynamics with my sister wBPD. At the time, I was caring for my mother through the final stages of Parkinsons. As HCPOA and co-trustee, I had to make difficult decisions to protect her wellbeing, and my sister could not accept those decisions. The conflict, accusations, and emotional chaos became constant.

This board gave me something I desperately needed: clarity, understanding, and the validation that I was not alone. Reading the experiences of others with BPD family members helped me recognize patterns, reclaim my sense of reality, and begin untangling the guilt and confusion that had been building for years. Many of you helped me see that what I was going through was not my failure but a deeply complicated family dynamic. It’s good to see so many of the same participants still actively supporting the community as well as many new ones.

I stepped away from the board for a while to grieve. I needed space to process not only the loss of my mother, but the painful unraveling of my nuclear family as I made the decision to go no contact with my sister and her family. Because my parents were both only children, this was really walking away from everything.  I am so grateful for my husband, his family and our children as well as so many friends, who are my “chosen” family.  I needed to focus forward on what I had and not what I lost.

It has now been a year and a half. I am doing well. I have retired, adopted a puppy, started a new business and have more time to pursue hobbies, travel with my husband and be with my adult children. I miss my mom. I have found peace and joy in this next chapter.

…but I also miss my sister. I still think of her. She appears in my dreams, softer and more like the sister I always hoped she could be. Sometimes I wake up wanting to reach out. But I remind myself why I made the decision. I did not step away out of hate. I stepped away after years of trying, explaining, hoping, being repeatedly attacked, manipulated, mischaracterized, and hurt. Estrangement is not revenge. It is not selfish. I chose safety and protection. I chose healing over hurt and boundaries over burnout. Flipping my own script on this was so important in my journey.
Going no contact shouldn’t be the first option for many situations. I tried for years to work with my sister, especially because we were co-trustees and I wanted to support my mother with unity and compassion in her last chapter. I also hoped, perhaps naively, that after my mom passed, something might shift and open space for a healthier relationship. Instead, the opposite happened. Things deteriorated further, and the decision to go no contact became unmistakably clear.

If you are considering no contact, or if you have recently made that decision, especially as the holidays approach, please know this from my experience: no contact can be a pathway to healing. It does not mean you failed. It does not mean you stopped caring or are selfish. Sometimes it means you finally began caring for yourself.

To everyone here who supported me, taught me, and helped me see the truth of my situation, thank you. You helped me find solid ground again. And to anyone who is hurting or unsure right now, I hope my update offers clarity, hope or comfort. You each deserve peace too.

[Pook075]

What as great update- I'm glad you've found some peace (and a puppy!).

I think it's common to ruminate about reaching out, and if there's an actual pressing need then I don't hesitate.  But the rest of the time, I ask myself if it's really necessary and usually find that the answer is "no".  I can get the same information from a family member and avoid all the potential drama.

Congrats again on starting to heal...and actually thrive?!?  It sounds like you're in a great spot.

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
So glad you are enjoying life and that no contact with your sister has given you the time to heal. Thank you for the update, as we do care about you here. It always helps to hear from members who have gone full circle as it gives hope to others who are in earlier stages of figuring out the boundaries and kind of contact to have with disordered family members. I often think of my sister whom I am no contact with and especially miss her children, yet I know no contact is best for my mental health.

[Notwendy]

Thank you for the update. I am glad for you that you have found peace. Of course you are grieving your mother and I hope it brings you peace to know that you made sure she was in competent hands, and well cared for and there was love and connection between the two of you. You were the best person to be POA for your mother and she knew you were.

I also think your decision to go NC was done in heartfelt consideration of all your efforts with her too.

My BPD mother passed away earlier this year. It's a different emotional state than what I felt with my father. With him, it was just hopeless grief. With BPD mother, I think the first week was shock, then numbness, and also fear. We were not allowed to touch any of her possessions and yet, I had to collect her personal belongings from her room, while still afraid of doing that.

I do have the assurance of knowing her last days were with competent palliative care. I was at the hospital with her. She had a proper funeral and  I believe she's at peace.

I worked with a counselor after BPD mother passed for a few weeks to process my feelings. It helped a lot. Posting here has also helped me to process this relationship and also understand some of the dynamics between my parents better.

I wish you all the best in all your new endeavors.

[Notwendy]

I should clarify- NC with your sister- not your mother (we can't go back and edit).

[Mommydoc]

Thank you so much, Pook075, Zachira, and NotWendy. Connecting and hearing from all of you truly means a great deal. Each of you offered support and insight during a time when I felt overwhelmed, and I am grateful for the guidance you shared.

Pook075, your calm, steady way of looking at things helped me slow down and question my impulses, especially the instinct to reach out when emotions got stirred up. Your reminder to pause and ask, “Is this really necessary” will save me from slipping back into old patterns. And yes, the puppy has added so much light to my life. Thank you for your encouragement and kindness.

Zachira, I want to especially acknowledge how deeply your story and perspective impacted me. Your situation with your sister echoed mine so closely that I often felt you were putting words to emotions I could barely articulate. Thank you for lighting the path for me, and I am sure for so many others. The way you described the grief, the missing, and the clarity that no contact can bring helped me see my own path with less guilt and more compassion. Your honesty gave me strength when I needed it most, and I am profoundly grateful for that. I also think of you often and hope you continue to find peace in the boundaries you have set.

NotWendy, I want to extend my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your mother. When I last posted here, she was still alive, and hearing of her passing surfaces complex emotions for the grieving journey you are on. Thank you for sharing your experience with her final days and for modeling how to process such layered grief with honesty and courage. Your insights helped me understand the dynamics in my own family in a clearer light.

Thank you all for being part of my journey and for offering wisdom during a time when I needed it more than I realized. Your compassion and your stories helped me find steadiness, and I am truly grateful. Sending warmth and appreciation to each of you as we continue to protect our peace and move toward healing.

[Methuen]

Mommydoc!
How thoughtful of you to post an update to our community. Thank you!

I am so uplifted that you have finally found peace after all those years of chaos.  It gives me hope that peace can be had.

Since you took your break from the board, my mother finally got into assisted living.  While it has helped our situation in some ways, there are still many challenges, the chaos continues, and I still find myself working (out of retirement) just to give myself space from her demands and emotional needs. The entanglement of guilt can feel strangulating.

Work keeps me busy and life seems hair straight back so I am not here as much as I used to be since mom went into assisted living, but checked in tonight and saw your post. 

Just wanted to say how genuinely happy I am that you have found peace.  Your message is a lesson to the rest of us that peace can be had. It brings some hope.

Enjoy that puppy, and all that life has to offer!