Communication with other about pwbpd

[15years]

Hi!

About pwbpd in conflict with others (i.e. not me) - After, in the middle, or before something is about to occur, is there a healthy way to communicate with others about the situation at hand? Avoiding to step into a rescue role on either side, but at the same help to avoid unnecessary negative impact on the rs between pwbpd and others. And avoid pressure on me as a result.

I sometimes feel that I see how easily something could be kind of resolved, but others don't realize it. But I guess I should just let things happen without getting involved?


Another question.
I've heard that BPDs are emotionally like a child, but is there any less offensive way to put this. Also, the childish part of it according to me is more that they idealize things to an extreme. Children can be great at not reacting emotionally and get over things quickly.

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[Notwendy]

I think more information (not identifying info) is needed to understand what you are asking here and also what your goals are if you choose to intervene.

Reading between the lines here- when you say pressure on you. If this were my situation- my BPD mother perceived people as being on her side or not her side. This was Karmpan triangle dynamics- she was in Victim perspective and her expectation was that my father would "take her side" against the other person. That was the pressure on him. It's not directly rescuing but it still is rescuer position- aligning with "her side".

The pressure on him involved expecting him to distance himself from someone who he knew didn't deserve this, or someone he cared about. It might be a mutual friend, or a family member-usually on his side. The desire/pressure to smooth things over would be his wishing to maintain both relationships. However, you can't control someone else's feelings so there's no way to make your wife feel differently about anyone or anything.

Saying anything to the other person to explain the situation truthfully- that my mother had BPD, would be seen by her as the ultimate betrayal, causing her to be angry and hurt and disrupt the relationship.

My own thoughts about this is that- if the relationship with the other person is a boundary you wish to maintain- even if your wife has issues with that person- you will need to be able to maintain the boundary even if it upsets your wife. If you can not do this, then the relationship with the other person may not be maintainable.

If the issue your wife has with the other person doesn't involve you, let the other person have their own conclusion, no need to intervene. They will have their own feelings and boundaries.

As to how to explain childlike behavior- "has difficulty with emotional regulation" "impulsive" "feels hurt easily" might be descriptors that fit.

[thankful person]

I think it is a codependent habit to try and help our pwbpd’s out with their relationships with others. I have tried everything to get my bpdw to get along with my mother and it just doesn’t work. My mother has half-heartedly tried the “caretaking” I have recommended, but generally isn’t interested and she’d rather not see the grandchildren than jump through ridiculous hoops to do so. I am doing my best with this. As for my wife’s friendships and family relationships, I leave well alone. For a start, if I can validate her feelings when splitting on others it somewhat takes the target off me for a while. She finds relationships of all kinds hard, and going to college this term has hopefully made her realise that while new friends may seem amazing at first, they are just people, and won’t stick around if you don’t treat them very well. This situation is exacerbated by the fact that my wife tends to befriend others who have mental health problems, for example one of her best friends at college has a mother with bpd. It’s ironic to hear that my wife’s told her friends that she had a bpd diagnosis years ago but she’s “better now”.

[Under The Bridge]

The problem I found with BPD - or at least with my exBPD g/f - was that because they see everything as pure black and white, they can also see others that way too and not regard them as neutral or 'not involved'. They have to be either for her or against her, simple as that.

When my g/f was okay, she talked to my friends; when she was splitting she suddenly didn't like them anymore. This also applied to her own friends too - when she was with me she would criticise them but when I was painted black, they were suddenly her dearest friends.

A lot of people who knew jus both equally would try to step in and help when we had a breakup but all she saw was 'they're his friends and I don't like them now'.

[Notwendy]

What I noticed in this post was that 15years was feeling pressured.  If a pwBPD is having conflict with their own friend, it would be their own issue to deal with.

There are different reasons for the pressure. One is if the conflict is with a mutual friend or family member. How to have a relationship with this other person that the pwBPD is having conflict with, whether or not to explain, or what to do or say to maintain that relationship with the other person if at all possible.

The other person also has their own choices or feelings- what do they choose to do in this situation.