Adult son with BPD

[CPH73]

This is my first post.  I have a 38 year old son that I believe has BPD.  He has many of the symptoms I have read about.  He cannot hold a job and either quits or is fired.  It is always "their" fault never his own.  He has veery intense views (especially political) and if people don't conform to his way of thinking they are stupid.  He has trouble managing money and makes poor decisions.
My son is on the west coast and we live in North Carolina on the east coast and we only see him about once a year.  I have never broached the subject of a personality disorder and have read that i shouldn't start that conversation.  He will be coming home for Christmas and I certainly don't want him to be anxious, or defiant.  Whhen he is athome with us he tends to socially drink too much at which time he can be quite entertaining.  He drinks beer one after the other until he falls asleep.  I am all for not having a "cocktail hour" while he is here but my husband is not on the same page as I am with this diagnosis.  My husband enjoys having a drink after a long day and I don't think he would be in favor of not enjoying a beverage.  Our son is very opinionated and sees his views as thhe only logical ones.  He will not take any advice from us and does not take criticism well.  He has trouble forming and keeping relationships mainly because he is so oppinionated and obstinate.  He lives alone with his little dog (who means the world to him) I think he has thought suicidal  thoughts but because of the dependency of his dog he would not act on it but it is a constant concern of mine.  I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone else might have any suggestions on how to deaal with this.  He doesn't have anny legal problems that we know of but he is very closed mouth and doesn't volunteer much information.  He keeps his life very close to the vest and doesn't want to share any personal information with us so we are mostly in the dark to his thoughts.  He doesn't seem to know what hee wants out of life as far as his future is concerned.  At the present time we are helping him out finanncially or he would be on the street.  He says he hates the south and doesn't want to come back this way.  I just appreciate the opportunity to reach out and discuss this all with someone.  Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

CPH73,
I'm new here as well. There is much understanding, and caring in this community. Just that helps in a big way. You'll read other's stories challenges and successes. The Library has been helpful with advice on communication..  . that I'm just beginning to put into practice. Take care of yourself during this visit. Be sure to love yourself as you're showing love to your son.

[js friend]

Hi Cph73,

I know that it is tempting to tell your son that you suspect he has Bpd because you want him to get the mental help that he needs but It should really be left to the professionals when he himself identifies that he has re-occuring problems that effect his r/s with others.

For me my udd's secrecy was also big issue too and it has been that way since her early teens.  She is now 32yo. A lot of what I learned about the things she did in her teens was often only after the fact and some of the things she did then I would have been jailed for as an adult but luckily for her because of her age at the time they didnt press charges but it has left her with some lasting repercussions that she doesnt know that I know about.No details of her life have ever been shared. Even all her pregnancies (3) I have learned about through other people and when I have asked her she has denied.

Im sorry that you are already feeling anxious about your sons visit. What helped me when I felt that about spending time with my udd was to break the day up. Sometimes 10mins was long enough to feel the tension begin to rise so I would often take a break and go off into another room to do something else or be around others. For you this could be perhaps offering to take turns walking his dog if he brings his pet with him.

I think also having other guests there could also take the pressure off you. My udd has always been close to a particular family member and has really done well in family gatherings if this family member is there as I think she has felt more relaxed. Another time the family member was not there and she ended up starting a physical fight with another family member and attacking me when I tried to break it up.

I also think that other guests can also more effectively steer the conversation away from the topics that get your son fired up, and as your son is a heavy drinker I would make sure to only have a few alcoholic drinks in my home and the rest low alcohol or 0 %. Fingers crossed he wont even notice  it is low or 0% if he has already consumed a lot already.

[CC43]

Hi CPH,

I think your post will resonate with many parents on this site.  First off, I do think it's best that you not share your hunch with your son about BPD, because all he will hear is that you think he's defective, and you're not supportive.  Nobody wants to hear you think they have a problem, let alone a personality disorder.  Unfortunately, there still is a lot of stigma around mental illness.  I believe everyone has their health issues--physical and/or mental--and that therapy and/or medications are proven treatments.  If getting therapy helps us learn to cope with life better, then therapy is a godsend.  But many people, I dare say men especially, think therapy is for wackos.

Based on your post, my sense is that your son isn't doing that poorly.  After all, it seems he's managing on his own for the most part, and he's able to keep a dear pet alive.  That shows he has some sort of routine and responsibility.  I guess my question for you is, how much are you supporting him?  Are you paying for everything, or maybe only supplementing his rent so he can keep a roof over his head?  Are you prepared to continue that financial support indefinitely?  The thing is, at 38, he might have come to expect lifetime financial support.  He might not even comprehend what he's really costing you, if he's not paying bills himself.  He'll rationalize whatever support you are providing, thinking you OWE him.  If that makes him feel too guilty, then he'll rationalize it another way, thinking the world is a horrible place, he's refusing to play the game.  Why would he get himself out of bed and work a job every day, if he has the option of doing whatever he wants, financed by you?  If you're not prepared to support him indefinitely, then I think you need to start asking yourself, what happens when you retire, or when you pass?

Another suspicion I have is that your son might be an alcoholic.  If he's drinking heavily enough until he passes out with you, my hunch is that he's doing that when he's alone, too.  Self-medicating with alcohol, marijuana or other substances is a common co-existing condition with BPD.  Since he's on the other side of the country, it could be easy for him to hide his addiction from you. 

The thing is, if your son has no job, no friends, no companionship other than a dog, and his support network is on the other side of the country, he probably feels useless.  He might lack an identity other than "freeloading son."  I bet he thinks you're ashamed of him.  He probably withholds details about his life from you, because he thinks you will be disappointed in him!  He's so ashamed, he stays away for the most part.  He probably needs a lot of reassurance that you love him.

I know you're really concerned for your son.  But I think, you also need to be concerned about YOU.  Please know that you didn't cause BPD, and you can't cure it.  You are not responsible for your son's emotions, he is.  You don't have to enable him indefinitely, either.  But if you do start to make some changes, such as weaning him off of financial support, my suggestion would be to try one baby step at a time.  One example might be:  Look, I'm retiring next year, and my budget is changing.  I can't afford to continue to pay most of your expenses.  Starting next month, you need to pay your phone/electric/gas bill.  Let him figure out what to do about that.  Maybe he downsizes, maybe he gets a job, maybe he spends less on booze, or maybe its a combination of all those things.  I actually think it would be a huge confidence-builder if he started to take charge of his own life.  He might surprise you.  But even if he doesn't share details, you can feel the victory, because you set him on a path towards self-sufficiency, one baby step at a time.  By enabling long-term unemployment, you're basically enabling him to feel lousy, while resenting you.