How to manage

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been dating a woman who has bpd for over two years and it’s always the same thing one minute she is so in love with me and the next she is wanting to break up and I know she loves me and I told her I’d never give up on her and I shouldn’t take it personally but it’s just so hard not to play in to the chaos that she brings to the table when she gets that way she also has substance abuse problem with meth which is the worse drug she could do with her own mental illness I am also an addict that’s in recovery and in a treatment facility and she was all set to come to do detox and come to sober living an be up here with me cause we are two hours away from each other it was rather crushing when she changed her mind how can I not let PLEASE READ get to me or what should I do or handle the situation any advice would appreciated cause it’s so hard loving someone with bpd and I won’t give up on her

[Deadhead4420]

I have been dating a woman who has bpd for over two years and it’s always the same thing one minute she is so in love with me and the next she is wanting to break up and I know she loves me and I told her I’d never give up on her and I shouldn’t take it personally but it’s just so hard not to play in to the chaos that she brings to the table when she gets that way she also has substance abuse problem with meth which is the worse drug she could do with her own mental illness I am also an addict that’s in recovery and in a treatment facility and she was all set to come to do detox and come to sober living an be up here with me cause we are two hours away from each other it was rather crushing when she changed her mind how can I not let PLEASE READ get to me or what should I do or handle the situation any advice would appreciated cause it’s so hard loving someone with bpd and I won’t give up on her

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

I have been dating a woman who has bpd for over two years and it’s always the same thing one minute she is so in love with me and the next she is wanting to break up and I know she loves me and I told her I’d never give up on her and I shouldn’t take it personally but it’s just so hard not to play in to the chaos that she brings to the table when she gets that way she also has substance abuse problem with meth which is the worse drug she could do with her own mental illness I am also an addict that’s in recovery and in a treatment facility and she was all set to come to do detox and come to sober living an be up here with me cause we are two hours away from each other it was rather crushing when she changed her mind how can I not let PLEASE READ get to me or what should I do or handle the situation any advice would appreciated cause it’s so hard loving someone with bpd and I won’t give up on her

Hello and welcome to the family! 

To start it off, congrats on getting sober! That's a huge milestone and something nobody should take lightly.

Now comes the hard part.  You're responsible for you and taking the right steps in life; getting clean, finding a new path.  Your girlfriend is responsible for herself though, and it sounds like she's not ready to take that journey with you.  Without talking about the BPD aspect at all here, that's a massive red flag that I hope you take very seriously. 

If you're clean and she's not, it's only a matter of time before you're pulled right back into that lifestyle.  Please take this to heart and weigh your options very carefully!

For the mental health aspect, that's the typical push/pull of a BPD relationship.  When she wants to break up, what she's really saying is that she wants you to choose her over <insert whatever you're arguing about>.  When you come up short, she pushes you away only to pull you right back days/weeks/months later.

I hope that helps start us off!  How old are you and your girlfriend?  Did you have a relationship before using drugs, or were they always there?

[Deadhead4420]

I am 51 and she is going to be 40 and no we’ve always been and they using relationship which I know is not good but and I know that I need to PLEASE READing I can’t make her do anything else and I need to worry about myself get that it’s just hard because I don’t know how to stop loving her and I don’t know how to let her go and I don’t know if I really want to. I really don’t everybody else in her life is just giving up on her and and pushed her away when she does this PLEASE READ and I’m not gonna be that person with her. I’m not gonna give up on her. I’m not gonna freaking. We have an amazing love. It’s just yeah that push pool thing and I will always choose her. Maybe not over my sobriety per se anymore, but I will always choose her over everything else in my life and I guess if I got a lover from afar, I have to love her from afar for a while until she freaking becomes ready because there’s no ins and outs about it. She’s gonna have to freaking get off the drugs because she has indictments coming and she’s going to be put on probation or put in jail or whatever which honestly part of me kind of would like to see her go to jail. I hate saying that, but that’s gonna be the only part a problem. I think that it’s gonna be able to get her to freaking realize what she needs to do, but yeah, that helps me a little bit. I mean, I don’t like a lot of the things that you said that I should do that. I know that I need to do, but I mean, I just need to start learning to not play into the bullPLEASE READ and just let it go and you know let her do her thing and then you know it’ll make it less of a PLEASE READing issue and less time behind it and just I don’t know it’s just it’s so PLEASE READing hard to love somebody with BPD but thank you I appreciate any help in the matter cause it’s just I need to learn how to manage it

[Rowdy]

Hi. I’ve written my story on here and have explained my situation involving drugs and my wife. We were both using cocaine for approximately the last 5 years of our 27 year relationship.
It started because my wife’s business partner was having an affair with someone that dealt drugs, so my wife asked him for some and it snowballed.

For the last 3 of those 5 years I kept telling my wife to stop picking it up. She wouldn't listen, and carried on, and would shove it in my face. It came to a head when I said the words “stop getting coke you are killing me” and her whole behaviour towards me changed, culminating in her running off with her friends husband who by this point was the one supplying her the drugs. She had apparently told him we no longer wanted it but he would message her every Friday when she was at work to go and collect it even after being told we didn’t want any but you know what addiction is like!

I have not touched it since we split up, over 2 years ago. She would tell me she quit too, but then admitted to doing it once with her drug dealer boyfriend (that has been a coke addict for over 30 years) and I also caught her coming out of another drug dealers house a little while after that as well. I’m pretty sure they are still on it.

Since splitting up with her she has ended up in hospital on three occasions likely linked to her drink and drug abuse, and at the age of 46 has suddenly developed asthma too, which I also believe is down to the drugs.

It is painful, as you know how it is wrecking her life, how it has wrecked your relationship, yet they carry on oblivious to the damage it causes. I would google the affects the drug has on you for reasons to quit, she would google the affects it has on you for reasons to carry on doing it.

No matter how much you want them to quit, how you would do absolutely anything in your power you possibly could to make them see, make them realise, it is absolutely impossible to do so unless they want to give it up themselves.

[Deadhead4420]

Thanks for sharing your story and one way or another she is gonna have to give it up cause she has indictments coming so it’s either gonna be probation of jail either one of them she ain’t gonna be able to just do what she want as far as me I guess idk it’s so hard to just give up and I won’t but I am establishing boundaries that I won’t allow to be crossed thank you again I’m sure I’ll have more issues down as I could myself.up learning to manage how to deal with my issues an situations

[Pook075]

I am 51 and she is going to be 40 and no we’ve always been and they using relationship which I know is not good but and I know that I need to PLEASE READing I can’t make her do anything else and I need to worry about myself get that it’s just hard because I don’t know how to stop loving her and I don’t know how to let her go and I don’t know if I really want to. I really don’t everybody else in her life is just giving up on her and and pushed her away when she does this PLEASE READ and I’m not gonna be that person with her. I’m not gonna give up on her. I’m not gonna freaking. We have an amazing love. It’s just yeah that push pool thing and I will always choose her. Maybe not over my sobriety per se anymore, but I will always choose her over everything else in my life and I guess if I got a lover from afar, I have to love her from afar for a while until she freaking becomes ready because there’s no ins and outs about it. She’s gonna have to freaking get off the drugs because she has indictments coming and she’s going to be put on probation or put in jail or whatever which honestly part of me kind of would like to see her go to jail. I hate saying that, but that’s gonna be the only part a problem. I think that it’s gonna be able to get her to freaking realize what she needs to do, but yeah, that helps me a little bit. I mean, I don’t like a lot of the things that you said that I should do that. I know that I need to do, but I mean, I just need to start learning to not play into the bullPLEASE READ and just let it go and you know let her do her thing and then you know it’ll make it less of a PLEASE READing issue and less time behind it and just I don’t know it’s just it’s so PLEASE READing hard to love somebody with BPD but thank you I appreciate any help in the matter cause it’s just I need to learn how to manage it

Sometimes when someone is facing addiction, jail is the absolute best place for them to sober up and find a new path in life.  My BPD kid learned that the hard way and even though she never actually did any time, being arrested and charged was enough for her to start prioritizing better living.

Just remember that it's okay to love her and to show up for her, but the drugs are a hard and fast boundary that you won't cross.  With my BPD daughter, she knows I'll do anything for her...but if she's high on marijuana (the only thing she still does) then I'm not going to talk to her or help.  Call back when you're sober and I'll be on my way.

[Deadhead4420]

Yes, unfortunately I have to agree. It’s the last place that I want to see anybody go trust me. I’ve been there enough. I’ve been to prison three times. I’ve spent a lot of time in jail and right now. I am because I’m in the treatment center that I am in. It’s saving me from being sober. It’s saving me from going to prison for three years so that comes first before anything. I don’t wish her to go to jail, but it might be the only thing to like you said make her prioritize her freaking life a little bit better I’ve had a little bit of contact with her, but I have my boundaries up. She wants to say she’s sorry but I told her without action sorry means nothing anymore but thank you for replying that you helped me a little bit to know that I’m doing the right thing in the way that I’m handling her this situation right now appreciate it.

[Pook075]

Yes, unfortunately I have to agree. It’s the last place that I want to see anybody go trust me. I’ve been there enough. I’ve been to prison three times. I’ve spent a lot of time in jail and right now. I am because I’m in the treatment center that I am in. It’s saving me from being sober. It’s saving me from going to prison for three years so that comes first before anything. I don’t wish her to go to jail, but it might be the only thing to like you said make her prioritize her freaking life a little bit better I’ve had a little bit of contact with her, but I have my boundaries up. She wants to say she’s sorry but I told her without action sorry means nothing anymore but thank you for replying that you helped me a little bit to know that I’m doing the right thing in the way that I’m handling her this situation right now appreciate it.

Well, that's a great start anyway and if she understands your situation, it could be a good building block for the future.  Maybe she can see a relationship without drugs, but you know the statistics better than I do probably.  For one person to get sober, it's rare.  For both, it's super rare.  It can certainly happen though and I'm rooting for both of you.

In a way, this is easier for you because you can tell her that if you don't do x, y, and z, you're going to jail.  So you have no choice right now and hopefully she can see that.  This can all turn out to be a blessing in disguise for you!