I have just come to the realization that the situation described by the image below has chronically happened to me in my childhood and in all three long-term relationships:
Those are episodes, all related to BPD:
1)
From 8 to 12 years old, I had to protect my father against my mother's physical assaults. To avoid her, my father got home as late as he could, silently, through the backdoor. While my sister and I tried to enjoy my father's presence in the room, she would notice his presence and rush in our direction. So I had to hold the door firm to prevent her from entering it, with all of my strength. From the other side, she would offend him with lots of sarcasm, very loudly.
Sometimes she would threaten to jump out the window. Once I asked him why she was behaving like that. He said that she always had strange behaviors, such as keeping poison in her drawer in case she had to end her life. And yet she functioned normally when we were young but became mentally ill as she got older. He said this was common to happen with age, but I didn't buy this explanation.
2)
Over more than 10 years, my first long-term relationship was unstable but mostly manageable. The only thing that caused conflict between us was her pathological jealousy. That was the unmanageable part. But she got much worse after she got pregnant. So I gave up on the relationship, then got her to sign a private recognition of separation, and finally I started to date outside the home. But still she would not accept it and began a real plot against me. It turned into a "living with the enemy" plot. I then had to lock myself in the room to work in peace, and I kept it locked when I left to protect my stuff. She is possessive and never accepted the loss.
3)
In my second long-term relationship, I noticed early that she had a serious problem. She was pathologically jealous of her stepdaughters and would ruminate about it all day, including their mother's name in her rantings. Things were still manageable, only until she had her own kids. Then her mood became much worse. I began having to lock myself in the room during the weekends, when I was with my older daughters from the first relationship, and I turned the music loud so that none of us would hear her rants. Once I timed her rant. She remained ranting on the other side of the door for 45 minutes straight, with no pause. We spent most of the time locked in the room because anytime we left it, she could start her rant all over again.
Curiously, once I explained to her that the music prevented us from hearing her rants, she stopped doing it at the door. So maybe the false perception of doing psychological harm to us was what sustained her behavior?
4)
My current wife has always had some raging moments related to feeling controlled. This is clearly related to her upbringing, particularly by her narcissistic father, but still I can't avoid her reactions. She screams and insults me very loudly for long periods and throws all sorts of objects at me, so I use headphones and lock myself in the room for a while until there is silence again. I haven't timed it, but I think she can go for more than one hour. At times, I have also brought the kids into the room to protect them, but usually that's not needed because I'm the only target.
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Diagnostics:
My current wife has recently been diagnosed with BPD. We have been together for 3 years now. She is the only one that regularly regrets her behavior.
My previous wife is the one with the most symptoms, about all of them, including self-harm, and may have already been diagnosed with BPD. That was a 7-year relationship.
My first wife also said she had BPD traits, and that became more evident to me many years after the divorce because of multiple rage attacks.
My mother was also said to have BPD traits by her therapist. She has always been high functioning (financially independent), but she seems to have the core BPD symptoms, such as identity disturbance.
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Has anyone here experienced the same kind of situation? Am I doing something wrong?
Please feel free to add constructive criticism if needed.
