Pregnant..... not surprised.

[Parents! Get help here!]

So.... My 19yo dd delivered the news last week that she's pregnant and keeping the baby. This really didn't come as a huge shock since the only thing she has focused on for years now is finding a guy (any guy) and having a "relationship". I saw this coming from a mile away.  So about 7 months ago or so, she meets this young man online that lives in a bordering town, and from the word go she was over at his house 24/7, even when he wasn't there, and she clung on to him for dear life. I've been paying for her to attend cosmetology school and wholly paying for an apartment that she literally has barely stepped foot in for 7 months, among other things like her car, insurance, and spending money. She has remained jobless even as I've expressed her need to get one. The young man is 23, has a 7 year old daughter that he has primary custody of, he works a solid full-time blue collar job and owns his own small and humble home near his father and step mom who are and have always been a strong support system by way of childcare while he works. He's fully self supporting and seems like a nice kid who steps up to his responsibilities and can work well within his family system.

Given my daughters allover history, ongoing gross lack of cooperation and major unchecked issues with emotional regulation, I am not pleased with her joyous announcement and I let her know that. I wasn't even going to pretend that this was an accident. This young man has and his family has no idea what they are really dealing with, and my daughter has managed to keep me from even meeting his father and stepmom although I started asking about that a couple months ago. She likes to control the narrative.

At this point she's been text harassing/calling me for days demanding an apology for how I reacted to her pregnancy, telling me I'm going to be happy for them "or else", making crazed allegations that my intention is to try to steal custody of the child and that I'm jealous of her. She indicated that she told the father and his family that I threatened to try to take custody, which is 100% false, but I guess that narrative serves some purpose. She's also making threats to not let me see my grandchild if I don't change my "attitude". It's just a barrage of nasty communications which go largely ignored because I'm just not going to engage in lunacy, especially now. Regardless of what she says, it's clear that she wants me to be involved but it's also clear that she has a very dysfunctional view of what my involvment should look like. She basically wants me to keep my wallet and home open to her, but my mouth shut. That's just not going to work. She's refused to get so much as a part time job as I've provided an apartment, utilities, a car, insurance, tuition for cosmetology school, and weekly spending money. She exhibits no personal accountability whatsoever and to say she's disrespectful is a major understatement.

A friend of mine thinks it's time that I go no contact and I think I've come to the same conclusion. This is not a "normal" situation even for a young adult out of wedlock pregnancy. I'm chronically being used and abused, and she makes threats of all kinds to keep that dynamic in place. She won't even agree to basic rules of civil communication in therapy sessions. I see no way that I can have a healthy relationship with a grandchild or protect myself so long as her BPD goes unchecked, and she exhibits no desire to address it. She even denies the diagnosis.

[In4thewin]

So.... My 19yo dd delivered the news last week that she's pregnant and keeping the baby. This really didn't come as a huge shock since the only thing she has focused on for years now is finding a guy (any guy) and having a "relationship". I saw this coming from a mile away.  So about 7 months ago or so, she meets this young man online that lives in a bordering town, and from the word go she was over at his house 24/7, even when he wasn't there, and she clung on to him for dear life. I've been paying for her to attend cosmetology school and wholly paying for an apartment that she literally has barely stepped foot in for 7 months, among other things like her car, insurance, and spending money. She has remained jobless even as I've expressed her need to get one. The young man is 23, has a 7 year old daughter that he has primary custody of, he works a solid full-time blue collar job and owns his own small and humble home near his father and step mom who are and have always been a strong support system by way of childcare while he works. He's fully self supporting and seems like a nice kid who steps up to his responsibilities and can work well within his family system.

Given my daughters allover history, ongoing gross lack of cooperation and major unchecked issues with emotional regulation, I am not pleased with her joyous announcement and I let her know that. I wasn't even going to pretend that this was an accident. This young man has and his family has no idea what they are really dealing with, and my daughter has managed to keep me from even meeting his father and stepmom although I started asking about that a couple months ago. She likes to control the narrative.

At this point she's been text harassing/calling me for days demanding an apology for how I reacted to her pregnancy, telling me I'm going to be happy for them "or else", making crazed allegations that my intention is to try to steal custody of the child and that I'm jealous of her. She indicated that she told the father and his family that I threatened to try to take custody, which is 100% false, but I guess that narrative serves some purpose. She's also making threats to not let me see my grandchild if I don't change my "attitude". It's just a barrage of nasty communications which go largely ignored because I'm just not going to engage in lunacy, especially now. Regardless of what she says, it's clear that she wants me to be involved but it's also clear that she has a very dysfunctional view of what my involvment should look like. She basically wants me to keep my wallet and home open to her, but my mouth shut. That's just not going to work. She's refused to get so much as a part time job as I've provided an apartment, utilities, a car, insurance, tuition for cosmetology school, and weekly spending money. She exhibits no personal accountability whatsoever and to say she's disrespectful is a major understatement.

A friend of mine thinks it's time that I go no contact and I think I've come to the same conclusion. This is not a "normal" situation even for a young adult out of wedlock pregnancy. I'm chronically being used and abused, and she makes threats of all kinds to keep that dynamic in place. She won't even agree to basic rules of civil communication in therapy sessions. I see no way that I can have a healthy relationship with a grandchild or protect myself so long as her BPD goes unchecked, and she exhibits no desire to address it. She even denies the diagnosis.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi Inforthewin,

.....It sounds all too familiar.

I now have 3gc. Eldest 2 gc b/f is a loser. New partner I have never met.

Makes me wonder what my  udd has told this new partner (5yrs r/s)) as none of my family have ever met him and he has never reached out to any of us.

Childcare was always an issue. udd would turn up at my home unannounced  just as I was going to bed knowing that I had work saying she was tired. Too tired to stay and spend the night here with gc when offered but not too tired to drive back home to spend the night alone??? I knew that it was an excuse to hook up but at least the gc were safe with me.
Then If udd was not happy with me(often the lack of childcare or not doing something she expected to be done without vocalising it, the jealousy and endlessly reminding me that they are HER children and not mine) it was straight to estrangement.
Once she continued visiting her friend across the street from my home making sure I could see her car and the gc going in and out of the friends home during an estrangement. So cruel. 

I think it is only a matter of time before the father and stepmom get a dose of what is going on as so often happens and they will eventually come to you. Afterall you know where they live.

Your udd  seems to have landed a good one from a good family. Her partner is in a good job and she is presently well taken care of which is good news and I think it is time to take some financial control back. Chances are your udd will never do any study/ courses while her main focus is only on being with a man 24/7. The same has been for my udd31 who has only ever had 1 paid job that last 2wks before she was sacked because she refused to do the things she was actually employed to do.

As I said on your other post going NC is a personal decision. I think there is often a lot more to consider when gc are on the way because it pulls at our heartstrings but the FOG often keeps us stuck longer than necessary, but NC also allows us to draw a final mark under it when all our boundaries have been crossed and LC has not worked.

[ForeverDad]

Well, it is what it is, and not quite what you wished.  That's life.

As concerned as you are, you can look to whatever bright side you can latch onto.  For example, her BF seems to be a reasonably normal person.  That's definitely a plus in a problematic situation.  This is where you can prove false that saying "Blood is thicker than water".  If BF continues to do well, then be thankful since he'll need support and encouragement just as much or more than your daughter.

Most of all, the child deserves your support.  The child will need your stability, fine example and your insight during his or her childhood.