Male BPD weird "almost" Cheating Bx

[lisaea1523]

Ok so this is very unique and interesting to me- wondering if anyone else has encountered this and how you responded to it-

We've been in a relationship for 2 years now living together. He appears single on FB and deleted me as a friend a long time ago he then blocked me on fb. He is on fb dating and is constantly talking to women. The conversation usually never goes anywhere and I have found no evidence of cheating. I check his phone often when hes asleep. He does not know I have his password. He will often start texting some of the women so any conversations I have seen that discuss wanting to meet or seem to be going somewhere I text those numbers from my phone and politely let them know that he is not single and in a long term relationship. Surprisingly the 4-6 times Ive done this the women are very apologetic and they immediately stop texting him back despite his repeated attempt to engage. He does not know that I have texted them or have seen these conversations. He knows that I have looked at his phone just the screen notifications and that Im well aware he is talking to other women. Obviously he does this to have someone to talk to and a back up option just in case our relationship were to end BUT it makes me wonder if he would actually cheat if one of these women were persistent enough and actually interested in him. Many of them are not as the conversations are awkward and like I said it never goes anywhere. I know this sound ridiculous but I dont know how else to respond to this bx. Oh and of course he is constantly accusing me of cheating even though I have deleted snap chat and given him the password to my phone so he can check whenever he wants. He checks occasionally and of course there is no cheating or inappropriate conversations. He has been engaging in this bx talking to women the entire relationship so I dont think it will stop - it calms him down to know he always has someone to talk to- someone who cares.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi

I have read your first post, and I see you both have a young baby. That brings more tension.

Do you frequently argue with him about his "almost cheating" behavior? Do you get angry? You have all of the right to be angry at that, but I'm asking because if you feed into the drama, it will make the behavior worse.

To be honest, I think things will only improve if he loses access to you as a consequence for this behavior. For instance, you could move away to a parent's house for a while. Or perhaps you could do it permanently. But it's important that the consequence does not feed into the drama, so you would need to cut off all contact with him and have someone else deal with him and his requests. Maybe someone else would request him to leave your house so that you can return.

The idea is that once you are not living together, you'll finally be able to have peace and set boundaries that protect your peace, so you'll be able to provide love while ignoring his drama, so he won't be able to force the drama onto you, and if that's accomplished, then gradually his recent drama should be reversed (settled down to the level it was in the beginning).

Otherwise, you'd have to go into an open relationship, perhaps one-sided. But I don't think you want that, and I don't think it would really end the drama.

[ForeverDad]

While he is not engaging in physical infidelity, so far as you know, he is pursuing emotional infidelity.  BPD is a mix of a variety of poor behavior and this reflects a weakness of the relationship, of where his heart and loyalty is.

Another pattern of PD is a propensity toward projection, with him "suspecting" you of behavior similar to what he is doing.  Perhaps he is seeking to keep you off balance so you are on the defensive and your attention is deflected from what he "might" be doing.

Frankly, no one wants to look bad but this perception is exaggerated in acting-out PDs.  He is willing to do - is doing - what he openly alleges you do.

Can these issues be addressed adequately for the relationship to continue?  That is your decision.  But meanwhile you educate yourself from our collective wisdom gained over the years and can learn more communication skills, tools, insights, strategies and more such as is found on our various boards... Tools & Skills Workshops board is a good one to browse.

[Me88]

What a strange situation. So he's been actively emotionally cheating on you the entire relationship, yet you seem to be ok with it because you have access to his phone? Has a single status on FB and deleted you? These are very horrible things that most people would immediately end a relationship over.

Why do you stay, because of the child? I assume you are hurt by all of this and are not ok with it. Like SuperDaddy said, at this point you should remove yourself...

[hiiumaa]

That sounds very familiar! My partner does the same thing on Facebook. He often likes selfies of random women with hugging emojis or even writes comments like ‘stunning!’ – but as far as I know, he doesn't meet up with these women in person. They are often very far away.

He does it particularly intensively when he has had an argument with me.
He then posts new selfies of himself every day – beaming with smiles! – and ‘collects’ hearts from his ladies.

I think it's about compulsive contact for self-affirmation and not really about a desire for a relationship with these women. It makes him feel „seen“ and he tries to fill the deep black empty hole inside of himself.

I've brought it up with him several times because I find it so hurtful. He then completely freaks out, calls me ‘controlling’ and lets me know that it's my own fault because I always withdraw from our relationship, even though HE is constantly working on it. (He conveniently forgets that I withdraw because he is constantly highly emotionally abusive towards me.)

[hiiumaa]

I forgot: As a boundary I did, what SuperDaddy suggested: I told him, that I‘m out of contact as long as he does it.

It worked for a while…

[hiiumaa]

And! When I think about it: In the past he also said, that I have cheated on him, because I spent a christmas with my ex, what is not true.

The real story is that I picked up my son from my ex, who was working at a Christmas market and had my son with him. My ex is my son's father and it was Father's Weekend. ) But a really big problem is the distortion of reality. That has often driven me to despair. Using THAT as a counterargument for the Facebook thing left me speechless.

[lisaea1523]

Im glad Im not alone in this and I appreciate all of the advice from everyone