Spouse's denial/anger

[WizerNow]

Hi there, I am new here. My husband has BPD I feel, in fact I would bet my bottom dollar he is BPD.  He is emotioanlly imature, impulse control issues, depressed, angry, has abused alcohol, etc. He routinely makes social gatherings  uncomfortbale and denial is a super hero in his family. He is also ACOA, but claims his birth family is normal. I involve myself with as many outside activities as possible. I try to enjoy his company when he is mentally present, calm and cordial. I know I was co-dependent, I married him a year after losing both parents and my half brother (14 years older than me) was an emotional terrorist growing up (also BPD or NPD), Im sure I normalized unhealthy behaviors I saw growing up and got attached to someone with BPD. My question is how do you stay calm when they react so inappropriately? Ex: Tonight my spouse said he was happy to not have to go to work tomorrow, I said "your mom has appointment with cardiologist", he became enraged. I tried to remind him I had a conversation with him last week about the appointment, I offered then to take his mom to her appointment tomorrow, he declined saying "i got it". Tonight he became offended I said she had an appointment, accused me of trying to sabotage his time off, denied she had the appointment because it is MLK Day. I pushed saying she would be expecting a ride to the doctor appointment and I was no longer available as have work conflict now. I know there will not be accountability for his over reaction, he will justify, etc. How do I stay calm and remind myself in the moment what he's doing reflects only on him? How do I not take the bait to engage him and stoop down to his level? I am good about it most of the time but when his responses are so off the charts I feel if I don't push back he will spin further out the next time. I will admit I have considered divorce, when he is awful I know I deserve better. I worry about getting an illness in old age and having to depend on him, he is emotionally shallow. We have been married 26 years and for 26 years I have dealt with his issues. The people I know who have gone through gray divorces have expressed regret, or other struggles of similar stress levels, so I feel why put myself through that if I can vacate and live my life but just under the same roof.

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