Mom dBPD + adult sis dBPD after my dads death

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My dad, divorced from my dBPD mom decades ago, and months later she married a dNPD/bipolar man—both untreated.
He died two weeks ago from dementia. I was there with him as his support and medical advocate in the hospital and days later in hospice every day until he passed. It was intense, and I have a community that has shown up for me, and I am so grateful.

Months ago, my dad was hospitalized and my dBPD adult sister (40; some treatment, but currently stopped and unmedicated) and I were each flying in to help. She flew into town but never showed up, ghosted us, said she never wanted to be involved and was manipulated into it (sigh) and then had a series of tirades aimed at my tender hearted dBipolar adult brother (42), also untreated. My mom joined in as well, attacking him for being a failure, for helping my dad too much and “making her look bad”, among other things. I’ve been no contact with my mom for years, and she’s blocked, but she periodically calls from random other numbers—more so to my brother than me. He cried to me, where I reinforced boundaries, not wanting to be involved, and focus on my dad.

Now that my dad died, my sister and mom are at it again, deciding all kinds of things that aren’t true—that I excluded her from his care, that I’m hiding his (non-existent) money, etc. I know this bc she’s called the nursing home and funeral home multiple times to yell this at people, whereupon they call me. There’s no burial, and the ashes have been split among the kids and delivered, with a little bit of drama from my sister (I want the ashes here! No there! No, I don’t want them! She’s keeping them from me! Ok, deliver them to me please—all voicemails to the funeral home over 3 days). My mom also showed up at the funeral home unnanounced to bring treats (?!?!?) to this man she’s never met, and reiterate that my father was and I am awful, but not to help with the ashes, of course. I didn’t ever engage with them throughout it all.

My brother tho has. He keeps getting attacked by them, destabilized by it all, and then reaches back out to them. Block/unblock. Argue. Call. Cry. Fall apart. Repeat. I’ve asked him to not share any of his contact with them to me. Then he does while in crisis, caused by taking to them. It’s his choice to talk to them, and his choices not get therapy, and I am trying to respect that, but he isn’t respecting my boundary to not hear it. I reinforced this yesterday, he agreed, and 4 hours later he texted to say mom texted him a long text about me, do I wanna hear it. I say no, boundary. He tells me anyway. I say I am trying grieve, stop. He says he gets it, but I know he will break the boundary again.

I know I can step away from him. I can feel myself already starting to. I am sad bc I think that’s the only thing I can do right now to protect my peace. And honestly, I may have to let him go. Anything else I can do?

[Ellemno]

My dad, divorced from my dBPD mom decades ago, and months later she married a dNPD/bipolar man—both untreated.
He died two weeks ago from dementia. I was there with him as his support and medical advocate in the hospital and days later in hospice every day until he passed. It was intense, and I have a community that has shown up for me, and I am so grateful.

Months ago, my dad was hospitalized and my dBPD adult sister (40; some treatment, but currently stopped and unmedicated) and I were each flying in to help. She flew into town but never showed up, ghosted us, said she never wanted to be involved and was manipulated into it (sigh) and then had a series of tirades aimed at my tender hearted dBipolar adult brother (42), also untreated. My mom joined in as well, attacking him for being a failure, for helping my dad too much and “making her look bad”, among other things. I’ve been no contact with my mom for years, and she’s blocked, but she periodically calls from random other numbers—more so to my brother than me. He cried to me, where I reinforced boundaries, not wanting to be involved, and focus on my dad.

Now that my dad died, my sister and mom are at it again, deciding all kinds of things that aren’t true—that I excluded her from his care, that I’m hiding his (non-existent) money, etc. I know this bc she’s called the nursing home and funeral home multiple times to yell this at people, whereupon they call me. There’s no burial, and the ashes have been split among the kids and delivered, with a little bit of drama from my sister (I want the ashes here! No there! No, I don’t want them! She’s keeping them from me! Ok, deliver them to me please—all voicemails to the funeral home over 3 days). My mom also showed up at the funeral home unnanounced to bring treats (?!?!?) to this man she’s never met, and reiterate that my father was and I am awful, but not to help with the ashes, of course. I didn’t ever engage with them throughout it all.

My brother tho has. He keeps getting attacked by them, destabilized by it all, and then reaches back out to them. Block/unblock. Argue. Call. Cry. Fall apart. Repeat. I’ve asked him to not share any of his contact with them to me. Then he does while in crisis, caused by taking to them. It’s his choice to talk to them, and his choices not get therapy, and I am trying to respect that, but he isn’t respecting my boundary to not hear it. I reinforced this yesterday, he agreed, and 4 hours later he texted to say mom texted him a long text about me, do I wanna hear it. I say no, boundary. He tells me anyway. I say I am trying grieve, stop. He says he gets it, but I know he will break the boundary again.

I know I can step away from him. I can feel myself already starting to. I am sad bc I think that’s the only thing I can do right now to protect my peace. And honestly, I may have to let him go. Anything else I can do?