Not sure if I can take anymore

[sm1981]

I've been with my partner 8 years he's undiagnosed but is undergoing assessments (so he tells me - not sure what to believe as he's promised before to seek help and didn't follow it up)  for a variety of things (he's been having weekly/2 weekly appointments with mental health team since before Xmas.

I feel like the last 8 years have consisted of constant cycles of huge blow ups (adult toddler tantrums) then a period of calm ground zero where things are okay again and then round and round we go.  It used to be when it was good it was really good - but now even then its not great.

Birthdays, Christmas , holidays are all spoiled.  He's regularly verbally abusive to me (I've asked him not to call me a c**t til I'm blue in the face but its his favourite word for me - his answer "if you don't want to be called one don't be one)

I've recently attended a domestic violence support group which was met with complete contempt - he calls it my "club" and that we all sit around smugly about how we're "survivors" - he says I'm not abused (I can categorically say he is an abuser mostly verbal sometimes physical)

Every argument is me causing a scene , me orchestrating it, me wasting hours arguing - when it's the opposite- its him!

He escalates everything shouting and intimidating.  I'm at the end of my tether . 

We've just come back from a group holiday which he nearly didnt go on , threatening to cut his passport up and chucking the contents of his bag all over the floor minutes before we needed to leave.  He felt the holiday went well- he was moody snappy, sometimes okay , sometimes not - lying in bed til nearly 11am every day- making everyone wait for him (this is common for him he's made an art form of being 5 minutes late for everything.  Sunday night he just went on and on (drunk - he's a big drinker) so I asked him to go which he finally has.  I need a break.

I'm getting text after text blaming me or that I'm blaming him, total victim complex.  He loves emojis - I'm a clown, a rat, all my friends sit around smugly talking about him (I try not to bring him up to be honest)

Recently I've lost a lot of weight and have started putting myself first more- this has been a massive trigger for him.

I don't know what I'm looking for - other than venting , but I do have a question for anyone who knows the process in the UK , is what he describes (weekly assessments over a few weeks ) typical ?  I think they are also assessing for bipolar and other things .

Help !

[SuperDaddy]

Hi sm1981 ,

No, the BPD assessment does not take weeks. It is done in a single session. The therapist should already know the patient well before doing this, but the actual assessment is done based on a series of questions that the patient and therapist answer together, and it doesn't take too long. Are you sure he is going to where he says he is going?

The pwBPD will only get diagnosed if they ever find a therapist with whom they feel safe and not criticized, and that's what DBT is designed to do.

Do you know for certain why you are still in this relationship? Is it because the good moments were very good and you wished they would happen more often? Is it an emotional necessity of yours to have those good moments?

Do you want to divorce but find obstacles? Or do you want to fix the relationship? Have you considered LAT (living apart together)?

[CC43]

Hi there,

Well it sounds to me like you know what's going on with your man.  Like you wrote, you've been taking care of yourself more lately, which seems to have provoked increasingly toxic behavior.  Indeed he's having "adult tantrums," shouting and saying mean things with an adult's vocabulary (calling you a c*** instead of a poo-poo face).  If you substituted c*** with poo-poo face, maybe you'd see how childish he's being, and you wouldn't take his insults to heart.  It sounds to me like he's projecting--saying you're the one creating a scene, when it's really him (and he knows it).  Look, if all your man can come up with is to call you a c***, then he's not very creative, or you're so nice to him he can't come up with any insults that really sting!  It's almost confirmation that it's 100% his problem.  Granted, I bet he wants 100% of your attention, 100% of the time, and the fact that you're showing a little independence and taking care of yourself is "triggering" him.  But let's face it, being a full-time indentured servant is not healthy for anyone.  I think he should be more supportive of your self-care efforts.

Earlier today I posted a reply on the son/daughter section about how pwBPD seem especially triggered at holidays.  It's as if they can't stand seeing other people be joyful and provide cheerful updates, because they themselves feel so miserable.  It's like a little kid who screams at his friend's birthday party, it's my birthday next month.  He just can't bear not being the center of attention at all times, and instead of enjoying the celebration in honor of somebody else, he makes a scene to spoil it.  I call that "spoiling" behavior, and unfortunately I've had to endure it countless times with the pwBPD in my life.

I've had so many holidays and vacations ruined by the pwBPD in my life that I've vowed not to allow that to happen anymore.  In practice, what that means is (i) not relying on her participation for the event to happen and (ii) if she throws a fit, I let her have one, but I don't cancel plans because of her.  Maybe what you could do is to travel to events separately, so that you're not reliant on your husband for transportation or for arriving on time.  He can arrive late (or not at all), or leave early, it's his choice.  And you can go at your leisure, without worrying that he'll make YOU late.

I'd say, if your husband sends you mean texts, delete them like spam, because they are spam.  If you reply, you're dignifying his text with a response, and "rewarding" it with your attention.  I'd say, not responding is generally better.

I understand he can be mean, a real bully.  My guess is he is extremely insecure, maybe even jealous of you.  One way to counteract this is to try to be reassuring when he's not in a bad mood.  One phrase I use is, "I choose to be with you every day."  And then I throw on the praise when my man is being nice--bringing me coffee, taking out the trash, giving me a hug.  It's not hard for me to do that because I do appreciate the nice things he does for me.  Similarly, when he engages in self-care, I lay on the praise:  I'm glad you're seeing the doctor for a check up, I'm glad you're going to the gym, I'm glad you're taking good care of yourself.  Then when I perform acts of self-care and he starts to complain or push back, I say (firmly and just one time), I support you when you take care of yourself, and I expect the same from you (end of discussion).

[ForeverDad]

I've been with my partner 8 years he's undiagnosed but is undergoing assessments (so he tells me - not sure what to believe as he's promised before to seek help and didn't follow it up)  for a variety of things (he's been having weekly/2 weekly appointments with mental health team since before Xmas.

We are of course here in remote peer support.  Thus our insight into the specifics of your relationship are limited.  Even if he is going to assessment sessions, neither we nor you know what he is telling them.  It's even possible he is telling them that you're his problem.  That's called Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting, all common patterns in BPD traits.

You've been with him for 8 years and yet this negativity and verbal abuse continues.  While his now meeting with professionals to assess him may lead toward him a measure of recovery, awareness of his abuse and correcting his poor behavior, that is certainly no guarantee your hopes will be realized.

Why hasn't he responded to your efforts?  BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder that is most evident and most triggered by and with close relationships.  What this means is that his lack of improvement over the years is not surprising.  Many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) can't or won't get past the emotional baggage of the relationship to truly listen and respond positively.

Maybe he will respond to the professional - not emotional - approach of the therapists.  Frankly, even that is a huge maybe.  Likely this has been him for a lifetime and many pwBPD are "set in their ways".  You will have to be the one to decide whether and when to cut him lose.  (That's a fishing analogy.  As in, you can toss the problem fish back and choose healthier fish in the sea.)  We are here for you whichever path you choose.

Even if you're not married, this Divorcing board can also assist you with the practical and legal issues of separating, if that is what you decide.  Of course, we are not lawyers or solicitors.

Do you share children?  That can make separation more complicated but separation can still be a practical solution.  Meanwhile, continue reading, learning, posting and asking questions.  We have a wealth of hard-won ideas, skills and solutions.  Take advantage of our collective wisdom and experience.

[sm1981]

Thanks for the replies, it helps to feel validated and not alone.  We're not married, I own the property , we share a dog (though he's still not paid half her purchase price after 5 years so I guess I own her)

The assessments I mention have followed his requesting his GP for a referral - as far as he's telling me they have been regular meetings to look for a variety of mood/personality disorders but when I push further I get told its none of my business....

It's come to a head this last week after a week away with a group of friends which he felt went well but I felt like I was walking on eggshells around his constant changing moods (only directed at me really) the minute drinks were late to be bought out or we were waiting for something longer than he liked he'd be snappy and accusatory of me and it generally felt he didn't like me very much.  On Sunday after an argument over what we were having for dinner (apparently I wouldnt tell him what I wanted in order to orchestrate an argument - in reality I told him a dozen times 2 different options I was happy to go with) he escalated by raising his voice (I have 2 kids from a previous relationship 13 and 15 and I hate him shouting and swearing when they're there)  At one point I took a phone call and he came over and got in my face (I was holding a lit cigarette) and knocked it out of my hand - he accused me of trying to put a cigarette out on him.....he hates my friendship group and frequently makes snide remarks about me going to "my club" to "get my head patted" and that we sit around "being smug and congratulating ourselves about how I'm so abused"  -  the reality is I try NOT to talk about him or moan about him if at all because I don't want to cast a bad opinion , or a worse opinion (he's had melt downs at our local pub , one time kicking as smashing a portable speaker I have down the road in front of people)

I said he needed to leave and I've had a barrage of abusive texts since , littered with emojis (rats and clowns to depict me being his favourites).  I've said I'm not responding to abusive messages, I need space and I will converse about practical matters only.

He still has a lot of belongings in my house and has been coming over each morning after I've left for work to take the dog to work with him.

I said my kids don't need to put up with his insanity- he's said I'm portraying the children as terrified of him - they're not they're just sick of his tantrums (and view them as him acting like a child)

so now we're apart- coincidentally happened on pay day (another trigger for him when I ask for his contribution towards bills there is often a big argument caused so he can avoid paying - or drip feed me whilst he wastes all hi money on gambling drinking and takeaways.

Sorry I've totally rambled