Wife dysregulated nearly half the time - we’re both deteriorating rapidly

[SuperDaddy]

Hi GrayJay,

My prediction is that things will get worse, but you'll just stay and adapt.

Find out how to heal your wounds that cause your codependency. Only then will you be able to step forward in whatever direction you wish. In the end, it will improve your relationship.

[GrayJay]

Another big blowup yesterday on Friday the 13th, and today is a miserable Valentine's day. She has been dysregulated 5 out of the last 7 days. Yesterday was going well until two things happened: first, I received a couple of self-help books in the mail (one was a narcissism workbook), and second, she listened to another one of those creepy, AI-generated "Carl Jung" YouTube videos titled "Why The Narcissist Can't Recover After Betraying a Super Empath."  She ridiculed the books as worthless, and decided to eat dinner alone at 4:30 pm, an hour earlier than usual. Then she listened to the video and sent it to me. After we had both returned from our separate after-dinner walks, she went into a rage after hearing that I had not yet listened to the 40 minute (shorter than most) "Carl Jung" video. She carried on loudly for quite some time, and said some very ugly things to me. I sat down and listened to it. Pure black and white: she is the faultless "super empath" (sounds rather narcissistic to me), and I am the terrible monster narcissist with zero redeeming qualities. The narcissist will drain the super empath of all her energy, and after they go their separate ways the super empath will undergo a painful but wonderful transformation to a fully integrated, powerful human being, while the narcissist will coldly go on with life, afraid to look at their evil ways or work on growth, while looking for new victims to feed on.  This sort of tripe is poisoning her mind. She is obsessed with the reinterpretation of our marriage (she's the victim, although she projects that back on me) and dumping all her pain on me (she says I'm vomiting all over her!).  We spent the remainder of the evening staying away from each other, and exchanged some text messages. Hers were dysregulated; mine were as empathetic and respectful as I could make them.

She is threatening to move to another city. When we are together and she is chewing me out, she says I have "dead eyes" and zero empathy. In reality, I am doing my best to listen carefully, stay calm, and not JADE. When I explain to her that I am listening, care deeply, but am trying to remain calm because escalating the emotions on both sides only leads to further hurt, and that I'm trying to be present and caring, she gets angrier and repeats her "dead eyes" allegation. Seriously, there's no way to strike the right balance; it's "lose-lose" in most cases (I could give many "lose-lose" examples) and I've tried to gently point this paradox out to her but it just flies over her head.

I guess I'm just venting. It's a dreary, rainy Valentine's day, and another day where she feels little besides anger and contempt for me. I have expressed many times my desire to stay married, but she is just so incredibly upset and there seems to be no repair or recovery in sight. I do think our marriage is in a death spiral, but I'm always looking for some shred of hope amidst all the chaos and gloom. Thanks for listening.

[Notwendy]

Something to consider is - why is this spiralling downward when you are trying so hard to be a good listener and show compassion? Why are these behaviors (criticizing you, accusing you) increasing?

The advice on this board is to validate the feeling while not validating what isn't valid. How does one do this?

For someone with BPD, feelings feel like facts. You aren't a narcissist. However, she feels you are, is convinced that you are. What you are doing is being more patient, more kind, more explaining that what she's accusing you isn't true. You are trying to prove her wrong.

To her though, that feels invalidating, and when invalidated, she escalates. You defend more.

To change this, you would need to take a risk and do something different. Look at what you are doing now. Is it helping? No, whatever you are doing now isn't helping. However, you know the outcome of what you are doing now. It's predictable. Doing something different- you don't know the outcome, it's risky, but - there's a possibility of change there- maybe for the better, maybe not, but it's not getting better with what you are doing anyway.

A counselor advised me to substitute something absurd for the accusation, in thinking only. It helps to tone down your emotional reaction. What if, instead of narcissist, your wife accused you of being a pink elephant. What if she was listening to videos about you being an elephant, telling you that you have elephant eyes, and tusks. Would you defend yourself and try to prove to her that you aren't an elephant?

When your wife accuses you of being a narcissist (elephant)- she feels that and so it's a fact to her.

"You have dead eyes and zero empathy"-  instead of explaining how you are listening, try " that must feel so hurtful to think I don't have empathy for you". This is validating her feelings, not admitting to not having empathy. Then she will probably reply with more hurt feelings. "yes it's horrible, it's so hurtful" and you can say something similar like "that must feel really bad".

When she threatens to move to another city you can say "It must be really hard for you right now. I'd be sad if you did that".

Also, for your own emotional sanity, you can't be listening to this all the time. You need to find some time for yourself. Even if you fake it- "I have to run an errand, I'll be back later" - the errand is going to your car and driving somewhere - the park, the coffee shop, wherever you find some quiet.

The hope may be in changing your responses and so, trying something different can allow for that chance.

[Notwendy]

Another consideration is that behaviors increase when they are reinforced. What is your wife getting out of watching these videos? To her, they are a source of validation.

My BPD mother had a high need to feel validated. What I wasn't aware of was that she could easily feel invalidated by something I said that wasn't intentional to do that. This didn't mean being responsible for her feelings or walking on eggshells but to be aware of this, not react emotionally to her reactions and see if there was a pattern.

Unsolicited advice, even friendly advice, was perceived as invalidating. I noticed that doing this, she'd dysregulate and react. I could make a note to not give advice unless she asked for it. Sometimes even if she asked for advice - I'd say "I think your decision will be fine"- and sometimes she reacted to that too.

It didn't stop all the accusations or dysregulations. It also didn't stop my feelings when she'd say hurtful things, but being more validating of her feelings and not reacting emotionally as much did help tone some of the drama down between us.

Also, if your responses to your wife are validating, the videos may not be such a prominent source for her. You already know this is progress, not perfection. It won't change all at once. Hopefully the downward spiral will slow down or even stay steady- or maybe even improve.

[GrayJay]

NotWendy, thank you for your comments on validation. It can be very difficult in the heat of the moment, especially after days of harsh criticism. I’ll try to respond more consistently in the manner you describe.

Here is one excerpt that my uBPDw sent yesterday. One of many, and certainly not the harshest:

You are talking the talk but not walking the walk. You are showing disengagement and emotional numbing instead of incooperating your shadow. You look more and more distant and removed from feelings. The empath can’t be feeling all the pain.

The only way a narcissist can heal is to feel the burn/ pain. Like I said rolling in the vomit with the scorpions, centipedes and snakes instead of throwing all the muck at me! 

[SuperDaddy]

Hi GrayJay ,

It has always been obvious to me that my wife's outbursts and attacks were related to what she has gone through in her upbringing. However, recently I noticed that the way that her mother persecutes her is very similar to the way she persecuted me. There is a link. This is the type of emotional connection that she had with her parents, and it seems like with me she repeated it compulsively. Though with me she always wanted to play the persecutor, not the victim.

In the case of your wife, it seems to be the exact same. She is persecuting you with accusations.

One thing that Netwendy said is true: to get different results, you'll have to try something new. It's not up to me to tell you to split and live separately, but what I can see is that things will improve once you do. I say that because I know you would do it in a compassionate way, making sure she feels loved during the process. It worked for me. My wife is still difficult to deal with because of her emotionality, but now she won't attack me anymore, in any way. Now she is focused on fixing things rather than breaking them.

A couple of days ago, I was in her home, and I listed for her the 4 things I was expecting her to "fix" before we could be together again. After that, I asked her if she had any complaints about me that I should fix. She thought for a while and said I could share the washing of the dishes. You see my point now? The point is that she couldn't even remember all of the accusations that she was constantly making against me when we lived together. The drama evaporated.

Yes, it can be hard to be away from who we love, and it may feel lonely, but it can also be healing. There is no healing without pain.

[Mutt]

I’d be cautious of getting drawn into the super empath vs. narcissist binary. This kind of content can be more polarizing than healing.

What matters more is whether the interactions feel safe and respectful for both of you. Labels won’t help with that.

[GrayJay]

Aarghh …. My entire post disappeared when I tried to preview it. I’ll try again, but I may not say it as clearly.
SuperDaddy, I think you were right when you say that we need to do things differently if we want to get results. We are stuck. I’m applying the tools as best I can, but not every relationship can be saved. My wife seems to have her mind fairly well made up that she wants to move out. I would guess it will be in two or three months time, but who knows. Tonight she repeated that she wants to move to a city that’s a little over an hour drive away. We’ve driven through the city many times on the interstate highway, but we don’t know it very well. She said she’s researching neighborhoods and houses for sale. I haven’t said this to her, but at some point I think I would recommend that she should rent for six months or a year to get to know the neighborhoods better before making such a big decision. And yes, she definitely sees herself as a victim and me as a prosecutor, although every chance she gets she mockingly points out, “you’re such a poor little victim, aren’t you?”

I have told her in an earlier discussion that I wanted to stay married to her and work hard on repairing the relationship, but if she was determined to separate or divorce, I would (very sadly) respect that, and I would pledge to be as civil and decent as I could possibly be. Tonight she said “I think you’re secretly thrilled that I’ll be moving and you’ll be by yourself. It won’t even take a year for you to get hooked up with another woman – and she won’t do it out of love, but for your money. And our kids will end up not getting your part of the inheritance.”

I really think that I’m done with women and marriage after this. I’m almost 70 and I want to have peace for whatever few or many years I have left. I will look towards hobbies, volunteer work, and being in social situations for friendships, not romance. I’ll also have a more authentic relationship with my two adult children.

Mutt, I don’t want to get drawn into the super empath versus narcissist binary, but she is completely consumed by it, and I need to at least engage with her to some extent on it. On the other bulletin board for trying to save or repair a relationship I posted about “poisoned by blogs, reels, podcasts, and other social media,” and I described the situation and how it was incredibly damaging to our relationship. It’s a death spiral down a rabbit hole as you keep getting fed more and more of this content, much of it generated by AI, or at the very least, serious rage bait. There is a cottage industry of self appointed experts on narcissism, mostly geared toward women and advising them how hopeless the situation is - end the relationship now and be happy again.

I’m sure my emotions will be all over the place, but the daily rage and contempt that she spews at me is really wearing me out. If/when she leaves, I will feel sorrow, regret, emptiness, and loneliness, but there will be some sense of relief that I won’t have to face this conflict 24/7.  But right now, I feel very sad but even more so, I just feel NUMB.

[Mutt]

Contempt day after day will get anyone down. Being numb does not necessarily mean that you don’t care. It simply means that you have been under too much stress for too long.

Regardless of the outcome, be steady and dignified.

[ForeverDad]

I guess I'm just venting. It's a dreary, rainy Valentine's day, and another day where she feels little besides anger and contempt for me. I have expressed many times my desire to stay married, but she is just so incredibly upset and there seems to be no repair or recovery in sight. I do think our marriage is in a death spiral, but I'm always looking for some shred of hope amidst all the chaos and gloom.

The four horsemen (reference to Revelation 6) are:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Those all sabotage a relationship.  It's a blend of attacks and reactions.  No simple solutions and no guarantees.  And yes, many here have tried, that's why we came here.  Some managed to find improvement, others didn't and saw their relationships continue to crash and burn.  One key factor is that it takes two to make a relationship work - by working together - but only one to sabotage it.

[Notwendy]

After my father passed away, we kids would visit BPD mother and it seemed that every visit included verbal criticism and rage. It felt as if our presence somehow triggered this for her, and it had nothing to do with what we actually did. We avoided drama, didn't react to her, and tried to make the visit pleasant.

No matter how much we tried to make the visit a good one, this seemed unavoidable.

I recall one visit where we spent the entire time doing things for her and even hosted a family get together for her with her extended family. At the end of the visit, all she said to me was that she wanted me to know how much the visit had hurt her.

I knew to not JADE. I apologized- I said I was sorry that the visit hurt her. I drove home in tears, as having made a good effort, seemed to have failed with her.

I think what she said was her verbal vomit. I don't know if she believed we hurt her. However, her words were hurtful. I would have difficulty sleeping for a few days before and after the visit and feel anxious about the visits. I think one can only tolerate so much of this.

I know we each decide for ourselves what to do, but I could see that being around this was hurtful, whatever her motives were. I think we all balance our obligations in some way- she was an elderly parent, yours is a wife, but also we are a half of the relationship too. If this was difficult to tolerate with visits, it think it would be much more so to live together.

I don't believe we have to enable someone to be abusive to us. This wasn't what I wished for. I wished the relationship was better but we can not control someone else's words and feelings. I still visited but with boundaries. I think there's a grief involved with realizing the situation is not the one we wished for.

Bottom line- I don't know how much of this anyone can tolerate. It's probably different for everyone and it's up to you, but pay attention to how it's affecting your own emotional health.

[Notwendy]

To add- I mentioned obligations but also FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) is different. In the case of divorce, the law decides what your obligations are in terms of spousal support, divisions of assets.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi GrayJay,

You seem to be waiting for her to leave as an unfortunate event. In reality, she doesn't want to do what she says she wants. In reality, she just wants to "punish" you more. Do you realize that it doesn't make any sense to look at the neighborhood together with you (the person that supposedly she wants to get away from)? What she actually wants is to make you feel the pain of imagining that she is leaving, and with that she seems to be having success.

If you actually took an active role in getting a place for her, then maybe she would move out, but she would keep calling you every day and expecting you to do all of the things she needs, just like now. Then she would probably say the place you got for her is awful and that she will have to return home with some wild justification (such as accusing you of making her an isolated prisoner and depriving her of whatever).

The only way that the current situation could be reversed is if you figured out how to stop being at the receiving end of it. For instance, let's suppose you confronted her, asking if she wanted you to leave, and she confirmed it. Then let's say you got fed up and actually left. Then, if you were not faking it, then she would really bend over and start treating you well. I can tell that from my experience.

I have been in a similar situation as yours multiple times in my life, with multiple women, and all of the times what I said just above was proven true. Once you are not at the receiving end of it anymore, things change. But that takes a lot of emotional strength and capacity to live on your own.

[CC43]

Hi there,

There have been times in my relationships with pwBPD and BPD traits when, no matter how much validation and attempts at understanding I've tried, it just doesn't work.  Sometimes I think that validation can't work, because the pwBPD feeds off of the emotional energy and takes the validation as a confirmation of guilt, as well as an invitation to escalate.  Rather than calm them down, sometimes validation riles them up.  And sometimes the twisted narrative seems to become more and more convoluted at each successive telling.  In other words, in some instances, validation makes things worse, not better.  In fact my theory is that the farther back the grievance goes, and the more repetitive it is, the worse validation works.  She's not trying to resolve a current problem or incident, she's creating a narrative of abuse/trauma/victimhood.  She's not trying to find a way forward, she's actually digging herself deeper into a pit of negativity.  She doesn't want a two-way dialogue, she wants an audience and a punching bag.

It seems to me that your spouse is engaging with online videos to seek external validation of the abuse and trauma she's feeling.  But rather than feeling better, she's riled up.  Then she insists you share in that experience, and second the motion so to speak.

I admit I've called out the *ull sometimes.  I don't usually go into a long lecture or "let them have it," but I call it out.  "That's a lie and you know it."  "I've heard enough (of these baseless accusations)."  "Admitting to a lie won't make you feel any better."  "Nothing I say can make you feel better (so I'm not discussing this further)."  "I'm not watching any videos made by AI."  "You are not a psychiatrist, you can't diagnose me."  "I'm nice to you, I don't deserve this."  "I refuse to take part in your blamefest."  "Your attitude is too negative, I'm not letting it ruin my day."  "If I am the horrible person you claim me to be, then why are you even here?"  "You want to move, how am I stopping you?"  "You make all sorts of demands, but when was the last time you did something for me?"  "This isn't a discussion, this is a rant.  You want me to be a punching bag, and I'm not having it."  And sometimes, a simple and firm "NO."  They say NO to me all the time, I think I've earned the right to say NO sometimes.

Nine times out of ten, they are shocked into silence.  I think they were so used to validation that the pushback was unexpected, and therefore effective.  Then I usually proceed to give them a "time out," and later try to change the aura into something neutral or positive.

[CC43]

Do you realize that it doesn't make any sense to look at the neighborhood together with you (the person that supposedly she wants to get away from)? What she actually wants is to make you feel the pain of imagining that she is leaving, and with that she seems to be having success.

If you actually took an active role in getting a place for her, then maybe she would move out, but she would keep calling you every day and expecting you to do all of the things she needs, just like now. Then she would probably say the place you got for her is awful and that she will have to return home with some wild justification (such as accusing you of making her an isolated prisoner and depriving her of whatever).

I agree 100% with this assessment.  "Looking for neighborhoods" is likely an attempt to manipulate YOU.  She's probably looking for a grand gesture, to be begged not to leave, which would make her feel better temporarily, but would also give her license to continue to treat you poorly.  I'd advise, if you find a place for your wife, she may agree to move out, but later she would twist the narrative and say you threw her out.  She'll say the new place is horrible and likely try to move back in with you, saddling you with the costs of moving/disruption as well as an unused apartment.

My guess is she has zero intention of moving out.  If she wants to move out, what's stopping her?  She's an adult, she can find a place to rent and can sign a rental agreement, and she can hire movers too.  Look, my young adult BPD stepdaughter finally figured out how to move out, and though she had some support with moving and rental payments, she got it done.  If she can do it, your spouse could do it, if she really wanted to.  That's what I was referring to in my quote above:  "You want to move, how am I stopping you?"  That quote isn't as mean as it might sound.  Basically it pushes the responsibility away from me and back onto her.  This is crucial for somebody who has a victim mindset all the time.  They generally expect OTHERS to rule their life, when the reality is, they have to start taking responsibility for it, and facing the consequences of their own decisions.  The blame game needs to stop at some point.  Maybe the first step is to stop playing it yourself.

[Notwendy]

What CC43 said about validation may seem contradictory to what I said- but not really as it's in context of the whole relationship and goals. It's when there's an immediate choice- in the moment- between validating the feeling behind an accusation, and trying to prove that the accusation isn't true, validating the feeling is a tool to take down the drama on your part. I doesn't change the other person, but escalation takes two and not arguing their point may help.

The goal of the tools is not to change the other person. It's not possible to do that. However, each relationship is different and BPD is on a spectrum. I think most people come to this board wanting to at least try to improve the relationship, and that can take learning some skills to deal with it. If this leads to the relationship working better, perhaps that relationship can be maintained.

However, as stated, there's not one solution for all relationships. Sometimes the better option is to not remain in the relationship. Sometimes one of the two wants to leave- each has free will. We don't tell posters to stay or leave as the choices and circumstances are individual.

It's one thing to be accused of being hurtful, but when it's constant and cruel, like the comment posted about you needing to hurt- steps for self protection are options. In my situation, while validating helped to tone down the drama when we visited, it did not stop the critical and hurtful remarks. It was more managable because we didn't live in the same house. It wasn't a marital relationship. Living with someone where the anger and criticism are constant and don't change, even with best attempts, may require other decisions.

[Notwendy]

I also agree that if you went through with getting her an apartment, it wouldn't solve the situation. If she wanted to do that, she'd have made her own plans. I agree with not going along with that.

Have you considered removing yourself from the situation when she starts this? I did that too. I might try validation first but if she continued being verbally cruel, I just excused myself and left the room, or the house.

This is difficult to do if there are children at home but that isn't the case with you. Have you also ever considered going to a hotel for a few days? (be sure this isn't considered legal abandonment as that is considered in divorce- to actually just leave would be but I don't know about a night or two). Has anyone here done that with a spouse?

[GrayJay]

I really want to say thank you to everyone who has commented. I appreciate your interest and desire to make some sense of this type of behavior. It means a lot to be able to vent here, and get outside perspectives because I’m often so caught up inside the whirlwind that I really can’t see. And of course, I need to try different responses, because we keep repeating the same behaviors over and over again. No matter how much empathy and validation I produce, it’s never enough and like a drug creates a craving for even more. So I need to feel a little less threatened and hold my ground a little more. I appreciate some of the actual phrases that you have used in your own lives.

After a nightmarish Valentine’s Day, yesterday and today were pretty good. We do not have the standard devaluation / idealization cycling: I definitely get the devaluation, but the idealization is just acceptance that I’m an adequate husband and everyone else is struggling too. “Things are actually pretty good!”What helped is that we took care of our two-year-old grandson yesterday and today and that provides a distraction. She’s actually quite a wonderful grandmother. And on her good days, I see clearly why I was attracted to her and continue to love her, even though she says she doesn’t believe I love her.

The evening of Valentine’s Day, when I was in my bedroom reading shortly before bedtime, she knocked on my door (we sleep in separate bedrooms) and came in very agitated. She was terrified that I was going to come downstairs and attack her physically, and maybe even murder her! At one point, I stepped toward her to give her a hug, and she recoiled in fear! But eventually I was able to soothe her and after maybe 20 minutes she went back down and went to bed. The next morning our grandson arrived early, and there was no further discussion of the disturbance.

Today was pleasant from start to finish, but I’m always on alert because I never know how quickly she might shift into a foul, unstable emotional condition.  One day at a time.

We might even get a temporary separation soon because her very elderly mother probably doesn’t have too long to live, and she lives halfway around the world. She may go to visit her during her final weeks and stay afterwards to help her older sister who is caretaking her mother. She might be gone for a month at least and perhaps two months or more. This will give both of us some space and some time to consider what our future holds.

Thanks again, everyone.

[CC43]

After a nightmarish Valentine’s Day, yesterday and today were pretty good. We do not have the standard devaluation / idealization cycling: I definitely get the devaluation, but the idealization is just acceptance that I’m an adequate husband and everyone else is struggling too. “Things are actually pretty good!”What helped is that we took care of our two-year-old grandson yesterday and today and that provides a distraction. She’s actually quite a wonderful grandmother. And on her good days, I see clearly why I was attracted to her and continue to love her, even though she says she doesn’t believe I love her.

The evening of Valentine’s Day, when I was in my bedroom reading shortly before bedtime, she knocked on my door (we sleep in separate bedrooms) and came in very agitated. She was terrified that I was going to come downstairs and attack her physically, and maybe even murder her! At one point, I stepped toward her to give her a hug, and she recoiled in fear! But eventually I was able to soothe her and after maybe 20 minutes she went back down and went to bed. The next morning our grandson arrived early, and there was no further discussion of the disturbance.

I agree with you here, that when your wife feels she has a "mission," that of looking after her grandson, she probably feels better.  The day with the grandson probably helped solidify her identity as grandma.

Alas, that feeling didn't last very long, as pwBPD have extremely volitale emotions.  Their sense of identity is fragile, so that they don't have a strong sense of self to fall back on, to see them through setbacks or plain boredom.  Your wife became dysregulated again, maybe because she was sad to see her grandson leave, and she "created" something to be upset or scared about.

What's concerning about your post is the delusional aspect.  You say your wife was "terrified" of you and thought you were going to attack her.  Now, it may be that she was inventing the entire scenario, just to incite you to react, in a misguided attempt to get your love and reassurances.  But if she really did believe the delusions, then she might be nearing a crisis point.

My adult BPD stepdaughter would exhibit delusions like this right before a total meltdown.  She thought others were "out to get her," but in a non-specific way.  (It's no surprise to me that she holds a victim mindset, even if she can't point to exactly how she has been victimized.)  Anyway, the temporary breaks with reality were a sure sign of completely falling apart, and she ended up in the hospital.  Now my stepdaughter's case might be different--I think her delusions were brought on by excessive marijuana use.  But delusions (temporary breaks with reality) are a hallmark of BPD, on the "borderline" of psychosis.  It seems to me that your wife's issues are escalating, even if they were "interrupted" by a couple of happy days with your grandson.  Does that sound accurate?  It seems to me like she might be teetering on the edge of a total meltdown.  Now, that might not be the worst thing, if she ended up getting some professional therapy that she needs.  But I don't know how much therapy can help change someone's negative thinking and behavioral patterns learned over an entire lifetime?

[SuperDaddy]

The evening of Valentine’s Day, when I was in my bedroom reading shortly before bedtime, she knocked on my door (we sleep in separate bedrooms) and came in very agitated. She was terrified that I was going to come downstairs and attack her physically, and maybe even murder her! At one point, I stepped toward her to give her a hug, and she recoiled in fear! But eventually I was able to soothe her and after maybe 20 minutes she went back down and went to bed. The next morning our grandson arrived early, and there was no further discussion of the disturbance.

Congratulations on having succeeded in calming her down after 20 minutes.

This seems a bit similar to what my wife had in the first year of our relationship. She would struggle and say things as if she were having a nightmare. When I noticed it, I tried to embrace her, and she partially began to direct it at me, hitting me lightly with punches as if she was trying to defend herself. Then when she got back to reality, she said she was aware that she was not fighting me but couldn't help herself in doing that against me and asked for my forgiveness.

In her case, she was clearly reacting to past traumatic memories. At first, I thought the hallucinations were about her ex-partner who spanked her, but one day while she was sitting and I was standing up, she said she saw her father instead. From there on, it became clear that her big traumas were about her narcissistic father instead. Even today she is afraid of meeting him because he is unstable, so she thinks he could beat her.

Over time, those sleep hallucinations switched to visual/auditory hallucinations, which were minor, intermittent, and happened randomly.

In the case of your wife, I don't think she was "inventing the entire scenario." I think this is completely unconscious, even when the goal is to seek conflict. But in this particular case, I think she is just reacting to childhood trauma and projecting it on you. She needs to discuss her wounds with a professional. My wife opens up about almost everything with me, but with a professional who she trusts, she can go deeper and get better advice.

By the way, my wife developed those hallucinations because of ayahuasca usage (my fault). One year later, a colleague who is also gluten sensitive advised me to try a high-absorption form of B1, which is neuroprotective, so I did. I was only expecting my wife to possibly get better emotional resilience related to the gluten disturbances. However, I accidentally cured her of all auditory and visual hallucinations within a month.