Divorce and Custody - please help

[SingaporeBrit]

Hi

My first ever post in a forum ever for anything :-) Here goes.  My wife has behaved strangely for ever. Before she met me she was working in a very high pwoered finance job but on the side she was working as an escort and a porn star - and we are tlaking extreme weird porn (eating her own sh*t etc)  I got her pregnant, found out the bad stuff and decided I couldnt leave my child wioth her alone so married her knowing full well what I was getting into. Well, i dint know how bad it would be but the next 8  years were hell. My daughter however made it bearable and worth it.

8 years later she wants a divorce because I insisted if she diodnt get treatment, i will divorce her. I guess knowing she cant fiux it, she demanded a divorce. However suspecting something I put a hidden recorder in bedroom and recorded her bringing a guy into our matrimonial home and bed and having sex, while my 8 year old slept in next room and i slept in another room.

Now... .she has bad depression, horrible mood swings, and is unable to work. she can just about look after a child with a maid. most of the child rearing is outsoruced to the maid. cooking,  cleaning, getting her ready for school etc. In fact while married i have been doing most of this.

Now... .some questions:

1) should i fight for full custody?  I have recordings of her anger, abuse etc. and of course the poo eating porn videos are totally disgusting and proof she is quite disturbed.Also recorded her having sex while family in sleeping in same apartment in different rooms... what kind of person does that? so shocking. I thought the porn was shocking but i must say way more shocked by her bringing a man in for sex while daughter was in the next room.

2) She is doing the usual stuff - accusations of violence, beating her up while 8 months pregnant, accusation of  rape literally when the divorce papers hit, immediately she cred rape... .and she haws implicitly suggested i may be molesting our daughter... no accusation yet but i sense it is coming. she is calling police regularly and trying to get personal protection order and trying to kick me out of our apartment. she is demanding extraordinary amounts of cash.


Does anybody have any advice or thoughts?  Will my daughter become BPD if she lives with my wife half or 60% of the time?

[happendtome]

I dont know if children will grow up as BPD-s, but they certainly pick up something. Same way as also adults do. There is a line somewhere and if we see someone crossing that line very easily we may start to try similar things. So for example if we see that someone gets away with lying then we may feel tempted to lie too. Even though we know it wont bring anything good in the long term. Saying this i would think its unhealthy environment for your daughter.
I dont have children myself, but i have a bit similar situation. I was with my BPD ex who replaced me with someone who is BPD/NPD and i feel terrible if i think how these two would affect my ex-s kids. They are not my kids, but its devastating to see and feel helpless that i cant do anything. In my case i just need to detach, but in your case i would fight, because she is your daughter

[flourdust]

Hi, SingaporeBrit, and welcome! Your situation sounds really scary with the threats and accusations.

We can't advise you on your options for custody -- your attorney is going to be a better resource for letting you know what's feasible based on the legal jurisdiction you live in. For example, I live in a particular state in the US, and the presumption here is for a minimum of 25% custody per parent barring extraordinary evidence that one parent is unfit.

It's often the case that BPD parents have some influence on how their kids' behavior, and there may be some hereditary components of BPD -- but that's not to say that BPD is contagious or that every kid with a BPD parent acts out the same way. In most circumstances, with a split in custody, the nonBPD parent has the opportunity to model good interpersonal and coping skills while they are parenting.

[Panda39]

IMO you won't get what you want if you don't ask for it. You may not get everything you ask for... .courts try to look/be fair but if you don't ask you definitely won't get. Negotiation tactic... .ask for more than you want to give yourself room to negotiate down and still get what you want.

As far as your daughter becoming BPD no one can determine whether she will develop BPD.  There are  many members on these boards with BPD parents that never developed BPD that lived their whole lives with a BPD parent.  My SO's daughters have both picked up some "fleas" from their mom in terms of their behavior, but are not BPD. We all learn from our parents and even from the most "healthy" parents we can learn dysfunctional behaviors.  Your stbx is only one person in your daughter's life, you are there to show her another way, other family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) can show her another way, her teachers will show her another way, her friends and their parents will show her another way.

No matter how much custody you end up with it's how you help and support her that will make a difference. (You might want to check out the co-parenting board sometime for tips on helping/supporting your daughter).

In terms of the divorce do you already have a lawyer?  If you are not already doing so start documenting behaviors that are detrimental to your daughter.  You should do your best to protect yourself from false accusations... .keep copies of receipts, movie ticket stubs anything that can document your whereabouts. For example... .your honor he attempted to rape me Thursday afternoon a 3p and you have the grocery store receipt showing you were there Thursday afternoon at 3p.   Some of the members here have used their phone or other recording devices when things escalate to document that there was no physical violence on their part.  Some of our other members can share more about this with you.  

You also might want to check out Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger, my SO found it helpful during his divorce as have other members here.

Panda39