Grandma worries

[Crone]

Hello-- I am new here. 62 Yo GM with 35 yo daughter who might have BPD. At least, she has those behaviors, so I am hoping strategies that help with BPD will also help with her.

We have had a long history of her blowing up and cutting me off then coming back. My personality is more low key introvert nerd, and she goes fast, so things usually progress from me thinking we are having a casual chat to finding out I didn't sound enthusiastic enough about something or was smiling at the wrong time, and now she's furious and yelling while I am just standing there confused, trying to figure out my mistake. It's like my very existence has been fingernails on a chalkboard for her, and I have tried as hard as I can to figure out what she wants.

After she had a baby 10 months ago, everything changed. I was shocked. She called and apologized-- she said now she understands what it feels like to love a baby and that she should never have been so mean to me, knowing I love her that way. She seemed very happy, no post partum depression, is able to stay home with the baby and enjoys that. I have flown there every 2-3 months to visit and it's been amazing! I still feel a bit on eggshells out of habit but she has actually been kind. I think she's doing a fantastic job with the baby.

Now baby is 10 months and I guess the friendliness towards me has suddenly worn off. She has cut me off, she says "for now" after one of those conversations that went unexpectedly south. Idk if the specifics matter, but she was saying she didn't want me to ever talk politics or religion with her daughter (a 10 month old) even as a teen because she sees my opinions as harmful. I've always been on the left, she's gone right, and do I ever bring it up? No, omg, wouldn't dream of it. I only know her current position bc she says things but I just change the subject. It's a minefield.

So I said of course I don't bring that up now! And that it would feel strange to refuse to answer a direct question honestly from a teen, but if that was her rule I would have to agree to it. Well the word "rule" set her off. She said it wasn't a rule, it was a "request" to "find out if it's going to work out for you to be in a close relationship with our family."

I would understand if I had been arguing with her about any of these things or doing monologues at dinner. But I haven't. I stick to safe subjects like weather, recipes, etc. I am ultra cautious not to offend her.

So now she is "taking a break" and uninvited me from the 1 yr birthday party. She emailed me to cancel the developmental toy subscription I had been sending at her request.

I have been in these intermittent estrangements enough to think it's not permanent, but it's still painful. Now I am worried-- what would it be like for my grandchild? She won't remember this one, but eventually she will. If I am in and out of her life, and the trigger for her mom's anger, am I making my grandchild have a harder life? As far as I can tell, I am the main person she takes anger out on. Should I keep a semi distance to minimize this but so my granddaughter knows I exist-- in case she ever needs me? Like, send cards but keep out of her mom's hair?

I am so sad to be missing this time with the baby. She's the sweetest ever. I always wanted to be a grandma. But I have to put her first.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yochana1950]

Others will have more wisdom cuz I am a newbie also and mine is a son and the grandkids scenario.  Just making an observation---not assessing the specific traits but just thinking before your post that I think females with BPD could possibly have a little more hormonal stuff to enhance the BPD.  Maybe your daughter had a little break in her hormones when baby was born and now she is back to same old same old.    Not saying it is part of situation but perhaps so and that doesn't give you solution but just making an observation.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this since it's incredibly hard.  The only advice I can give is that this is for right now, not for forever.  Your daughter will need you soon enough.

[BPDstinks]

Hi and welcome to (no offense!) the club noone wants to be in!  I am VERY sorry to read your post....I have the poor luck to have a daughter with BPD and my granddaughters' mother has BPD....(fast forward 4 grandchildren) it has been 9 years of exactly what you are describing....the back and forth "you can't see the kids....a frantic phone call 2 days later....when are you going to take the kids); my very best advice to you is the (it is SOOO hard!) sit tight....at least, for me, my granddaughters' mother comes around, though, if it was anyone else....I would love to tell her "where" to go feel free to reach out....I know it is maddening!

[CC43]

Hi Mom/Grandma,

I think your post will resonate with many grandparents on this site--the sudden and seemingly inexplicable switch from loving to hating, isolating you from grandkids, the unreasonable demands about what you're allowed to talk about, twisting the narrative to make you sound like a monster, accusing you of things that never even happened.  The saddest part is that a defenseless child is used as a pawn.  You're worried not only about your daughter, but how her emotional and often angry outbursts can affect your grandchild's well-being.

I suspect that the estrangement is only temporary.  But I also suspect that the push/pull and alternating periods of estrangement will continue for as long as your daughter isn't getting therapy.  The way I see things, any outbursts from her are a sure sign that she's under a lot of stress, and she's taking it out on you.  Being a new mom is certainly stressful.

On these boards I've seen several posts about a BPD mom finding issue with accepting baby gifts from family members.  This might be a form of jealousy--she feels "shortchanged" in some way, or "upstaged."  She might not like to be reminded of you, because she knows she's acting badly, and she feels a mix of shame and guilt.  The idea that she'd have to thank you or "owe" you for the gift is repellent, and so she'd rather not receive any gifts.  Deep down she might feel jealous that her family members give gifts to her baby but not to her.  Or maybe it's a simple as wanting to hurt you, to punish you for purported wrongs, and refusing gifts is a powerful way to do that, because she knows you'll be hurt.  That's my take.  My advice would be not to make any fuss about refusing a gift--you can just put the gift aside and wait, return it or gift it to someone else.  That's what I do.

Sometimes on these boards, a formula that might have a chance of working is to make any visitation with the grandchild about your daughter's needs.  You could frame a visit as giving your daughter a needed break, some time to herself, some time for self-care.  But if you make a visit about you (I haven't seen my grandchild in months!), then your emotional needs come to the fore, as if your feelings are more important than your daughter's.  You could also inadvertently be signaling to your daughter that withholding access to your grandchild gives her power over you, and I think she's likely to continue, to try to punish you and control you.  Does that make sense?

In the meantime, I know you're hurting.  For now, I'd advise to sit tight and wait until your daughter reaches out.  My guess is that she will soon enough.  If she doesn't, maybe you could reach out with short, non-emotionally-charged message like, Thinking of you, hope you are well, to open the door a crack.  But I'd advise against anything that mentions your needs/emotions or puts any obligations on your daughter (I need to see my grandchild, when can I come visit?), because I think it would backfire.  She has all she can handle with BPD and a baby--she can't handle the stress of your emotional needs or feeling that she's letting you down in any way.  She should come to you when she's ready.

[BPDstinks]

CC43....I agree: that is what I have done....been very non-chalant..."hi, I hope all is well" or I offer up, on a Monday, dates that I could (I use the phrase "hang out" with kids); if it helps, the very longest she "went" was 10 days, it was LONG....I forced myself NOT to reach out....it was hard....(it seems she flips between me & her mother, she is mad at her mom OR me, never both at the same time, so....her mom & I have secretly taken the kids to each other, of course, they were younger than, now they can "talk", but...at the very least we keep tabs....BPD is just a BEAST....I find it so sad that "we" have to live like this....(bonus for me, my daughter has BPD, also   (I have a therapist who specializes in parents of young adults with BPD)....

[Mutt]

One thing that stood out to me in your post was how much thought you’re putting into your granddaughter and what might be best for her in the long run. That really comes through.

A lot of grandparents here wrestle with that same question about being in and out of a grandchild’s life. The hard part is that the level of contact often ends up being determined by the parent, not the grandparent.

What some people end up doing is something close to what you mentioned. Staying quietly present when they can. Maybe a card now and then, or small gestures that keep the door open without adding more pressure to the situation.

It’s not an easy place to be, especially when you care so much and want to be part of your granddaughter’s life.