How to move forward - Adult son & Fiance

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am at a complete bottom with my adult undiagnosed son (26). He seemed pretty normal until he turned 16/17 and he fell into a bad crowd and started abusing drugs for the next 10 years. His spiral as a teen was very sudden, and seemed to be mostly drug related, he also has ADHD. But now I look back and even before that, he didn’t seem attached to people normally. I was a young single mom and things were less stable until he was about 8. He was and is very emotionally immature, and after 14 (started drugs) slowly turned into a really deceptive person who treated people poorly but pretended to be a good guy at home. I was easily manipulated emotionally. He never really had developed his own personality and interests and just clung to everyone and adopted whoever he was with at the time. The drug abuse worsened and he put us through complete hell for a decade with a lot of on and off estrangement, lies, manipulation, blame, theft, and was and is, completely remorseless. He has never apologized for anything - is that a BPD trait?

He held a narrative that we were at fault for the conflict at home, and not his addiction or behaviours. I enabled him for a long time, always forgiving him and not making him address things because I was just happy to see him after weeks, or months missing. I think we were at times less validating than we could have been throughout his life, coming from invalidating homes ourselves, but not terribly. We were a pretty good normal family.

I always blamed the drugs for his behaviour, but once he cleaned up after he hit a big bottom last year. He still had so much instability in his personality and life. He can’t be alone, and goes from relationship to relationship. Then he met a woman who has be diagnosed BPD and seems very very mentally unstable. He didn't even tell her about us for months after dating. They both had a fast romance filled with drama, and that very suddenly became all about religion. I reacted poorly to his very sudden conversion. That reaction is now his and her primary focus for the last several months. She sends really emotionally charged messages to me, signed both of them, cutting off contact, or telling me how awful I am. I’ve only met her a couple times. I respond very neutrally and it infuriates her.

After this religious conflict, he proposed within a couple months and they planned a wedding all while being NC for us - their choice. But then he got very upset that we didn’t try harder to make amends and to contact him. I think I have apologized 5 times. He gets mad if we address things, mad if we don’t. He’s mad that we don’t fix things for him, but he avoids contact when we try to open a dialogue. He actually avoids conflict 99% of the time. We only see him 0-1-2 times a year. He holds resentments and can’t move past perceived slights, no matter what we do.

Her most recent message uninvited us to his wedding and cut contact again. This is because I wanted our son to address things instead of a ‘fresh start’ which he requested. I believe it's because he wants money for the wedding.

I just have reached a point that I can’t do it anymore.

After learning about her diagnosis, I can see now that he fits a lot of the BPD criteria. I can’t believe how similar their behaviour sounds to the entries I read on this site.

With the wedding, we are not attending and not trying to convince him otherwise. I feel like I can’t lose another single day to his chaos and he is our only child so it stings a lot. I’ve done years of therapy and I am handling it a lot better now.

I want to send him a message that calmly shares my concerns about his mental health, is that even worth it. How many people are walking away at this stage? I don't have the energy to walk on eggshells with one let alone two people this unstable. Do people tend to get better over time, his also might have NPD, I don't really know. I do have a lot of personality disorders in my family tree, none diagnosed. 

[bpdUDS]

I am at a complete bottom with my adult undiagnosed son (26). He seemed pretty normal until he turned 16/17 and he fell into a bad crowd and started abusing drugs for the next 10 years. His spiral as a teen was very sudden, and seemed to be mostly drug related, he also has ADHD. But now I look back and even before that, he didn’t seem attached to people normally. I was a young single mom and things were less stable until he was about 8. He was and is very emotionally immature, and after 14 (started drugs) slowly turned into a really deceptive person who treated people poorly but pretended to be a good guy at home. I was easily manipulated emotionally. He never really had developed his own personality and interests and just clung to everyone and adopted whoever he was with at the time. The drug abuse worsened and he put us through complete hell for a decade with a lot of on and off estrangement, lies, manipulation, blame, theft, and was and is, completely remorseless. He has never apologized for anything - is that a BPD trait?

He held a narrative that we were at fault for the conflict at home, and not his addiction or behaviours. I enabled him for a long time, always forgiving him and not making him address things because I was just happy to see him after weeks, or months missing. I think we were at times less validating than we could have been throughout his life, coming from invalidating homes ourselves, but not terribly. We were a pretty good normal family.

I always blamed the drugs for his behaviour, but once he cleaned up after he hit a big bottom last year. He still had so much instability in his personality and life. He can’t be alone, and goes from relationship to relationship. Then he met a woman who has be diagnosed BPD and seems very very mentally unstable. He didn't even tell her about us for months after dating. They both had a fast romance filled with drama, and that very suddenly became all about religion. I reacted poorly to his very sudden conversion. That reaction is now his and her primary focus for the last several months. She sends really emotionally charged messages to me, signed both of them, cutting off contact, or telling me how awful I am. I’ve only met her a couple times. I respond very neutrally and it infuriates her.

After this religious conflict, he proposed within a couple months and they planned a wedding all while being NC for us - their choice. But then he got very upset that we didn’t try harder to make amends and to contact him. I think I have apologized 5 times. He gets mad if we address things, mad if we don’t. He’s mad that we don’t fix things for him, but he avoids contact when we try to open a dialogue. He actually avoids conflict 99% of the time. We only see him 0-1-2 times a year. He holds resentments and can’t move past perceived slights, no matter what we do.

Her most recent message uninvited us to his wedding and cut contact again. This is because I wanted our son to address things instead of a ‘fresh start’ which he requested. I believe it's because he wants money for the wedding.

I just have reached a point that I can’t do it anymore.

After learning about her diagnosis, I can see now that he fits a lot of the BPD criteria. I can’t believe how similar their behaviour sounds to the entries I read on this site.

With the wedding, we are not attending and not trying to convince him otherwise. I feel like I can’t lose another single day to his chaos and he is our only child so it stings a lot. I’ve done years of therapy and I am handling it a lot better now.

I want to send him a message that calmly shares my concerns about his mental health, is that even worth it. How many people are walking away at this stage? I don't have the energy to walk on eggshells with one let alone two people this unstable. Do people tend to get better over time, his also might have NPD, I don't really know. I do have a lot of personality disorders in my family tree, none diagnosed. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello bpdUDS and welcome to the family.  I have a 26 year old BPD daughter and so much of what you shared resonated with my journey as well.  Thankfully, my kid tried every possible drug and didn't care for them (except weed).  If it wasn't for that one thing, I'd be in the exact same position you are.

Much of what you shared resonates with a BPD diagnosis, but honestly we're not here for that as much as we are to support you personally and help you through this troubling time. 

You've mentioned that you've brought up the mental health aspect a few times and that seems to backfire, which is this forums experience as a whole as well.  Very few people hear that type of thing with an open-mind.  Instead, they hear, "You think I'm crazy and everything is my fault!"  It's counter-productive to try forcing a conversation like that and it almost never leads to something productive. 

Instead, it's better to let your son realize that he needs help on his own.  When he's ready, he'll seek treatment and/or ask for advice. My kid did that about two years ago and while she still struggles, her life has changed dramatically for the better.

Again though, this is about you and moving past this in a productive way.  Have you talked this out with friends or family?  Or have you considered counseling to help you work through this?  It's A LOT to process and we've all struggled so much.  Hopefully you're making time for you and not becoming fixated on fixing a problem that's not actually yours.

[Mutt]

Hi bpdUDS, just checking in on you.

You were carrying a lot here, especially with the wedding situation and stepping back from the chaos. That’s not an easy place to land as a parent.

If you’re up for it, how have things been since then? Has anything shifted with your son, or more on your side in how you’re handling it?

[bpdUDS]

Edited to take our recognizable detail.... Really struggling with my UDS son and his pwBPD soon to be wife.
She emailed to cut contact for both of them - before their wedding. But he has had issues with unhealthy relationships for years. It has been a decade of chaos.
My spouse and I are doing well now, therapy and the peace of no contact. I do wonder if it will be possible to find a positive way forward with them in the future. 

[bpdUDS]

x

[CC43]

Hi there,

What you write sounds very much like BPD--the unstable relationships, cutting people out, holding onto resentments, impulsive behaviors, lack of a stable identity, blaming others all the time, emotional immaturity, victim attitude, chaotic lifestyle.

It sounds like you have a good handle on things, despite what must have been years of strife and chaos.  Most parents arrive here operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, with clouded judgment as well.  You seem remarkably clear-headed.  You seem to have erected healthy boundaries to protect yourself as well.  Readers here will understand just how necessary and yet heart-breaking that can be.  I can relate to the ongoing requests for a "fresh start" (aka money from parents while lashing out and treating them badly), and I commend you for drawing a line, because your son is an adult now.  My opinion is that at 26, if he wants a fresh start, he has to be the one to make it happen.

It was at around that age when I made a subtle mind-shift with my adult BPD stepdaughter.  Previously, I'd try to help, fix her problems, provide her guidance, provide free housing, cook her meals, ease her burdens, give her pep talks, etc.  She had a habit of voicing discontent with her current situation and wanting a "fresh start" elsewhere, expecting her dad and me to "set her up" anew.  We did that a number of times, and yet she was still stuck.  But by 26, I realized, she had to make her life happen of her own accord.  Now when she says she wants something, I'll say something like, "I can see why you'd want that, it sounds cool."  And that's it.  Because it's NOT my responsibility to fix her life, provide advice, or facilitate everything for her--if I do, I'm probably just getting in her way.

I agree with Pook, that almost any attempt to discuss mental health issues will backfire, no matter how loving you are and how good, noble and "helpful" your intentions are.  Your son has to be the one to decide he needs professional help, much like he has to decide to stay drug-free.  Others can't force it upon him, and suggesting that he has a problem only feels to him like you're antagonizing, criticizing and rejecting him.  He has to want it for himself.  He needs to be "ready" for a change, typically by hitting bottom and seeing no alternative.  Besides, if he doesn't ask for your advice, he doesn't want it.

As a side note, my adult BPD stepdaughter didn't take therapy seriously until SHE was the one to take an Uber to a hospital and check herself in.  You see, on prior hospital visits, she was driven by her dad, taken in an ambulance or "forced" to go by her mom; she was basically an unwilling passenger.  Only when she was "ready" and she decided herself to get psychiatric help, did the therapy actually start to work.

Your son is only 26, there's still a chance that he could get professional help and turn things around.  My guess is that with a BPD partner, things won't go smoothly for very long, unless they are enabled by someone else.  I could be wrong, but untreated BPD is typically associated with a chaotic life and relationships.

[bpdUDS]

Hi,

Thank you for your response. Right now I do feel I am finally in a good place after many years of therapy. He has cut contact completely and I finally just let it happen. I am not fighting it or chasing him anymore. I accepted it. But I did not say -- well, when you are ready we can talk, or the door is always open, which is normally how I respond. I said, fine, that's your choice & goodbye. I'm not sure now if I should be more actively keeping that door open. He is very avoidant and I think if we don't reach out, he will likely never take the first step, at least not anytime soon. He has a history where he doesn't apologize or take any accountability even with damaging behaviours. He just disappears and comes back like nothing happened, behaviour I enabled for many years because I felt so desperate for any contact.

I feel messaging him now to keep the door open is part of the past ways, I'm fixing things. But man it is hard to walk into a potentially long estrangement.     

[js friend]

Hi BpdUDS,

Iam 5 years estranged from my udd and in the early days it was very difficult especially as I have 3 grandchildren.

Im here to tell you that things will get easier. Please look after your self during this time and allow your healing to begin.

[CC43]

Indeed, I think that "chasing" after him basically serves to validate the notion that you feel guilty, that you "deserve" to be "punished" by his estrangement.  I my opinion it only encourages a continuation of the behavior.  "Begging" him for contact and apologizing for things you didn't do only serves to perpetuate the status quo.

However, I think you ought to reach out on key dates, such as birthdays and major holidays, with a short message like, Happy holiday, hope you are well.  That way, you acknowledge the holiday with respect, and he's "included," but you don't burden the message with emotional content or expectation.  If you wrote something like, "I'd like to see you, it's been ages," I think that's tinged with a guilt trip as well as setting him up to fail (because he doesn't want to see you).  But if you send a short message every few weeks or months, then he can't accuse you of not ever reaching out, while you open the door a crack.  How does that sound?

[ForeverDad]

He has never apologized for anything - is that a BPD trait?

My ex didn't apologize either.  Why should she, after all, it's all my fault, in her perceptions.  (Although she would demand repeated apologies from me.)  To my knowledge she's never sought therapy.  Now that our child is grown and custody issues are past, the conflict and triggers are greatly reduced.  But I still have to be careful or else I trigger overreactions.

Do people tend to get better over time, his also might have NPD, I don't really know.

Not much, not without therapeutic guidance.

I've read comments here expounding on the benefit of avoiding "you" or "I".  A passive, non-specific approach is best, sometimes "we" can work.  I don't know whether "we could try a few sessions with a counselor" might work, but if the opportunity arises...