Putting it all together, yet again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Each time i write this out there is a little more, the pain gets worse and then better.

3 months ago, my then-live in partner X (undiagnosed, both they and I have previously recognised they strongly fit BPD criteria) cheated on me by having sex with someone else while I had a reasonable expectation of a monogamous relationship. X has since denied that their actions constituted cheating.

We had been live in monogamous partners for a year. Two weeks before, X had told me they did not want to have any kind of romantic relationship, friendship or connection with me going forward. However, shortly after that (within hours/ days) we returned to living as a couple - cuddling and sleeping together, cooking and eating, having sex at his initiation. X had previously verbally ended our relationship at least 4x, then went back to living together as if nothing had happened within minutes/ hours. We considered ourselves partners for the duration, and X later had no recollection of these 'breakups'.

For me, fidelity means being accountable to the mutually understood commitments within a relationship. If your partner has a reasonable expectation that you are monogamous, then it's up to you to communicate clearly that this has changed before you violate that expectation. Given that X's actions looked like a continuation of our established partnership, and that the words used to 'undo' that had been revoked or undermined by his actions, I believe X's behaviour did not meet the requirements of fidelity or integrity.

X has oscillated on this. At first, he claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were broken up. However, he also expressed extreme guilt for having kept me up worrying about him, to the extent that he spent an entire day aimlessly wandering without eating (while continuing to assert that he had not cheated).

Later, when I said to him I thought his actions were in fact a sexual violation that could reasonably be called cheating, he nodded and said 'sorry'. He seemed so ashamed he could not even raise his head.

X's previous live-in relationship ended due to his having an affair with a mutual friend of his then live-in partner. X has expressed extreme guilt about this, saying it took a long time to realise he was not a 'bad person'. Recently, I have reflected on the extended deception such an affair would necessarily entail.

A couple of weeks after, and just after I got back from a week away during which we texted in a friendly way - X suddenly decided that we were not in a relationship. Not by breaking up, but by claiming we were already broken up. This wasn't true. After the fiasco, I'd made sure to define verbally and explicitly that we were in a relationship, and X had promised that he wasn't going to do it (the cheating) again.

While claiming this (that we were broken up), X made statements that were internally inconsistent/ incoherent. For example, he said that one of the horrible things i've said to him that makes him feel bad is that if we broke up, i wouldn't want to be friends. Notwithstanding the fact that he was the one who first said this to me, we clearly had been interacting as, at the very least, friends (not to mention the sex, cuddling, hand holding etc at his initiation – indeed, on the night before I left, he asked me to hold his hand while he fell asleep.) He also, confusingly, said 'the reason we can't be friends is that you can't let go'. It is circuitous to describe because it was just word salad.

He also expressed anger with me for ruining his day by 'talking endlessly' and 'making him have a _____ time' (the day after I learned about the cheating... during which I also took him out for pancakes). I found it extremely painful and by certain definitions, abusive, to first have my trust violated, then be denigrated for having a normal emotional reaction to that.

X also claimed that I/ our relationship makes him feel 'guilty for existing'. I pointed out that during a previous suicidal episode, he had claimed someone else made him feel 'guilty for existing'. I said while my actions have been ________ed and unkind at times, his mental health spirals are not totally attributable to others. X looked me dead in the eyes with an expression of hate and said, ‘Are you trying to make me feel bad for wanting to kill myself.’

X told me that I need to invent a story about his mental health because I can't deal with the guilt of being cruel to him. A narrative about my ‘cruel’ and ‘horrible’ behaviour had been repeated often in our relationship, and I had accepted it. Yet much of what this ‘cruelty’ entailed was things like brushing him off/ expressing annoyance when he asked for computer help late at night while I was in bed. I believe dismissiveness can be painful and destructive to a relationship, that my actions meet this threshold. I am deeply sorry for this. I have expressed this to X. But on reflection, I believe these are normal experiences in a relationship - not cruelty.

I suspect what may have happened is that X was deeply shamed by having violated his own values, ie, by cheating. Rather than dealing with this, he chose to lash out and project onto me. I also wonder if the cheating recurred while I was away, hence the meltdown, but I can’t say for sure.

*

X then asked/ demanded that I move out, which I did.

Some weeks after, X became frustrated because he did not realise I had ‘officially’ moved out. He expressed frustration that he was liable to pay the portion of rent and bills I had previously covered, and blamed this on me. This was upsetting, since X had demanded that I move out, looked dead in my eyes with hate and told me I was cruel, and refused to speak or be in the same room as me. Yet somehow, it was not understood that as a consequence, when I picked up a suitcase, left the house and did not come back, I had... moved out.

X claimed the reason he had to pay more money for bills and rent was because I did not 'officially' inform the landlord. This made no sense, since X was still living there, and the rental agreement was by room, not by person. There was no reason why the landlord would have chosen to waive rent because I wasn’t there.

Bear in mind that I continued to pay what had previously been my half of the rent at the place where X is still staying, for a month after I left, so he would not have to pay more money (as I knew he was in a precarious time). In these circumstances, it was confusing and painful to be blamed. X was facing the consequence of his own choice to make me leave, and I was sleeping on couches. But even there I tried to buffer so he would be less exposed to instability, while I was exposed to more instability.

Speaking of covering X's rent, there was also some confusion about the final payment. In our previous rental payments, I would pay the landlord for both of us, and X would pay me back. I made the last payment as usual and informed X of this at the time. For whatever reason, he decided to pay the landlord his half independently of me. As a result, there was a double payment (with me paying double), that needed to be recovered.

X also blamed this on me because I failed to notify him. I suppose that for triple clarity, I could have informed him that ‘as usual’ meant I would make the same payment I usually did. But he was the one who engaged in a change from the previous pattern, and he did not notify me at all. It began to feel like a Mobius strip of double standards, whether rent, or notification, or wanting to be friends – whatever I did was wrong while what he did was right.

When I pointed out to X, in the most factual way I could manage, that the overpayment arose not from lack of notification but from us making a double payment, he was dismissive and pivoted to blaming the landlord, saying, “I’m not getting in a back and forth about [landlord] being demented.” I found it upsetting that X would simply throw blame at yet another person based on his emotional state, rather than assessing what happened.

*

X and I have now both moved out and the tenancy is ended. Something awful happened in the process. X was moving my things out, and did not move a bag in the shed that contained my beloved pet’s ashes – either because the landlord had already thrown it away, or because he did not see it. I was devastated. The landlord has said she threw everything out because she thought X had taken all our belongings; X has said he didn’t see anything and she might have already thrown it away when he went to get our things.

In apportioning responsibility and causation, I believe the landlord bears some for not being careful and throwing away something which did not belong to her. X bears some for not checking with me before moving my belongings – he had told me to let him know if I would remove my things before March 11, and I arrived on March 10, but found my belongings had already been moved – and more than that, for making it necessary for me to move out in such chaotic circumstances. I do not believe I bear fault in this matter. I considered sharing words with X along these lines.

But ultimately, while it is a horrible thing, no-one is wholly personally to blame. There has simply been some very bad luck where a normal unfortunate event (something getting lost in a move) has taken on a painful significance. Much of that pain comes from the *reminder* of the loss of a loved one, not the ashes themselves. This is something neither X nor the landlord are responsible for.

I mention this because I have previously accepted much of X’s characterisation of me as ‘horrible’ and ‘cruel’. Yet I have chosen not to lash out or blame him for a painful thing happening to me, where he bears some (but far from all) responsibility. Whereas he has blamed me repeatedly for things that are not my fault at all. I see this as a matter of integrity.
 
There is a possibility X has now entered a relationship with a mutual friend of ours, someone I respect deeply. I am not sure if this overlapped with our own relationship, ie, was the source of the cheating. And if so, how much this friend was informed. X told me at the time the person he had slept with was not someone I knew.

I am not sure what to trust, but it strikes me that there are similarities with X’s previous relationship, where he cheated on his then live-in partner with their mutual friend. X’s affair partner had also described X’s previous partner, the one who was cheated on, as being ‘horrible’ to X, a characterisation X repeated to me. I have a sense of cycles repeating.

I am grieving the person I thought I knew.

X has expressed a hope we can be ‘at least amicable’ and has said they see ‘this chapter as closed’. I find it inappropriate to harm someone, then to declare the issue closed and request amicable interaction from the person you harmed sans acknowledgement, apology or reparation. I have expressed this to X and requested no contact.

Over the course of our relationship, X at times showed great courage and integrity. At others, there was much instability including suicidal ideation expressed to me on >100 occasions. His personality, actions and relationships have undergone great shifts. I do not know if he knows who he is at all.

I hope X is able to heal and, if the person I thought I knew exists, to forgive himself. I am sure my perspective will evolve as I turn to the question of why I seem to remain in such toxic relationships, and find ways to get better.

[hotchip]

Each time i write this out there is a little more, the pain gets worse and then better.

3 months ago, my then-live in partner X (undiagnosed, both they and I have previously recognised they strongly fit BPD criteria) cheated on me by having sex with someone else while I had a reasonable expectation of a monogamous relationship. X has since denied that their actions constituted cheating.

We had been live in monogamous partners for a year. Two weeks before, X had told me they did not want to have any kind of romantic relationship, friendship or connection with me going forward. However, shortly after that (within hours/ days) we returned to living as a couple - cuddling and sleeping together, cooking and eating, having sex at his initiation. X had previously verbally ended our relationship at least 4x, then went back to living together as if nothing had happened within minutes/ hours. We considered ourselves partners for the duration, and X later had no recollection of these 'breakups'.

For me, fidelity means being accountable to the mutually understood commitments within a relationship. If your partner has a reasonable expectation that you are monogamous, then it's up to you to communicate clearly that this has changed before you violate that expectation. Given that X's actions looked like a continuation of our established partnership, and that the words used to 'undo' that had been revoked or undermined by his actions, I believe X's behaviour did not meet the requirements of fidelity or integrity.

X has oscillated on this. At first, he claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were broken up. However, he also expressed extreme guilt for having kept me up worrying about him, to the extent that he spent an entire day aimlessly wandering without eating (while continuing to assert that he had not cheated).

Later, when I said to him I thought his actions were in fact a sexual violation that could reasonably be called cheating, he nodded and said 'sorry'. He seemed so ashamed he could not even raise his head.

X's previous live-in relationship ended due to his having an affair with a mutual friend of his then live-in partner. X has expressed extreme guilt about this, saying it took a long time to realise he was not a 'bad person'. Recently, I have reflected on the extended deception such an affair would necessarily entail.

A couple of weeks after, and just after I got back from a week away during which we texted in a friendly way - X suddenly decided that we were not in a relationship. Not by breaking up, but by claiming we were already broken up. This wasn't true. After the fiasco, I'd made sure to define verbally and explicitly that we were in a relationship, and X had promised that he wasn't going to do it (the cheating) again.

While claiming this (that we were broken up), X made statements that were internally inconsistent/ incoherent. For example, he said that one of the horrible things i've said to him that makes him feel bad is that if we broke up, i wouldn't want to be friends. Notwithstanding the fact that he was the one who first said this to me, we clearly had been interacting as, at the very least, friends (not to mention the sex, cuddling, hand holding etc at his initiation – indeed, on the night before I left, he asked me to hold his hand while he fell asleep.) He also, confusingly, said 'the reason we can't be friends is that you can't let go'. It is circuitous to describe because it was just word salad.

He also expressed anger with me for ruining his day by 'talking endlessly' and 'making him have a _____ time' (the day after I learned about the cheating... during which I also took him out for pancakes). I found it extremely painful and by certain definitions, abusive, to first have my trust violated, then be denigrated for having a normal emotional reaction to that.

X also claimed that I/ our relationship makes him feel 'guilty for existing'. I pointed out that during a previous suicidal episode, he had claimed someone else made him feel 'guilty for existing'. I said while my actions have been ________ed and unkind at times, his mental health spirals are not totally attributable to others. X looked me dead in the eyes with an expression of hate and said, ‘Are you trying to make me feel bad for wanting to kill myself.’

X told me that I need to invent a story about his mental health because I can't deal with the guilt of being cruel to him. A narrative about my ‘cruel’ and ‘horrible’ behaviour had been repeated often in our relationship, and I had accepted it. Yet much of what this ‘cruelty’ entailed was things like brushing him off/ expressing annoyance when he asked for computer help late at night while I was in bed. I believe dismissiveness can be painful and destructive to a relationship, that my actions meet this threshold. I am deeply sorry for this. I have expressed this to X. But on reflection, I believe these are normal experiences in a relationship - not cruelty.

I suspect what may have happened is that X was deeply shamed by having violated his own values, ie, by cheating. Rather than dealing with this, he chose to lash out and project onto me. I also wonder if the cheating recurred while I was away, hence the meltdown, but I can’t say for sure.

*

X then asked/ demanded that I move out, which I did.

Some weeks after, X became frustrated because he did not realise I had ‘officially’ moved out. He expressed frustration that he was liable to pay the portion of rent and bills I had previously covered, and blamed this on me. This was upsetting, since X had demanded that I move out, looked dead in my eyes with hate and told me I was cruel, and refused to speak or be in the same room as me. Yet somehow, it was not understood that as a consequence, when I picked up a suitcase, left the house and did not come back, I had... moved out.

X claimed the reason he had to pay more money for bills and rent was because I did not 'officially' inform the landlord. This made no sense, since X was still living there, and the rental agreement was by room, not by person. There was no reason why the landlord would have chosen to waive rent because I wasn’t there.

Bear in mind that I continued to pay what had previously been my half of the rent at the place where X is still staying, for a month after I left, so he would not have to pay more money (as I knew he was in a precarious time). In these circumstances, it was confusing and painful to be blamed. X was facing the consequence of his own choice to make me leave, and I was sleeping on couches. But even there I tried to buffer so he would be less exposed to instability, while I was exposed to more instability.

Speaking of covering X's rent, there was also some confusion about the final payment. In our previous rental payments, I would pay the landlord for both of us, and X would pay me back. I made the last payment as usual and informed X of this at the time. For whatever reason, he decided to pay the landlord his half independently of me. As a result, there was a double payment (with me paying double), that needed to be recovered.

X also blamed this on me because I failed to notify him. I suppose that for triple clarity, I could have informed him that ‘as usual’ meant I would make the same payment I usually did. But he was the one who engaged in a change from the previous pattern, and he did not notify me at all. It began to feel like a Mobius strip of double standards, whether rent, or notification, or wanting to be friends – whatever I did was wrong while what he did was right.

When I pointed out to X, in the most factual way I could manage, that the overpayment arose not from lack of notification but from us making a double payment, he was dismissive and pivoted to blaming the landlord, saying, “I’m not getting in a back and forth about [landlord] being demented.” I found it upsetting that X would simply throw blame at yet another person based on his emotional state, rather than assessing what happened.

*

X and I have now both moved out and the tenancy is ended. Something awful happened in the process. X was moving my things out, and did not move a bag in the shed that contained my beloved pet’s ashes – either because the landlord had already thrown it away, or because he did not see it. I was devastated. The landlord has said she threw everything out because she thought X had taken all our belongings; X has said he didn’t see anything and she might have already thrown it away when he went to get our things.

In apportioning responsibility and causation, I believe the landlord bears some for not being careful and throwing away something which did not belong to her. X bears some for not checking with me before moving my belongings – he had told me to let him know if I would remove my things before March 11, and I arrived on March 10, but found my belongings had already been moved – and more than that, for making it necessary for me to move out in such chaotic circumstances. I do not believe I bear fault in this matter. I considered sharing words with X along these lines.

But ultimately, while it is a horrible thing, no-one is wholly personally to blame. There has simply been some very bad luck where a normal unfortunate event (something getting lost in a move) has taken on a painful significance. Much of that pain comes from the *reminder* of the loss of a loved one, not the ashes themselves. This is something neither X nor the landlord are responsible for.

I mention this because I have previously accepted much of X’s characterisation of me as ‘horrible’ and ‘cruel’. Yet I have chosen not to lash out or blame him for a painful thing happening to me, where he bears some (but far from all) responsibility. Whereas he has blamed me repeatedly for things that are not my fault at all. I see this as a matter of integrity.
 
There is a possibility X has now entered a relationship with a mutual friend of ours, someone I respect deeply. I am not sure if this overlapped with our own relationship, ie, was the source of the cheating. And if so, how much this friend was informed. X told me at the time the person he had slept with was not someone I knew.

I am not sure what to trust, but it strikes me that there are similarities with X’s previous relationship, where he cheated on his then live-in partner with their mutual friend. X’s affair partner had also described X’s previous partner, the one who was cheated on, as being ‘horrible’ to X, a characterisation X repeated to me. I have a sense of cycles repeating.

I am grieving the person I thought I knew.

X has expressed a hope we can be ‘at least amicable’ and has said they see ‘this chapter as closed’. I find it inappropriate to harm someone, then to declare the issue closed and request amicable interaction from the person you harmed sans acknowledgement, apology or reparation. I have expressed this to X and requested no contact.

Over the course of our relationship, X at times showed great courage and integrity. At others, there was much instability including suicidal ideation expressed to me on >100 occasions. His personality, actions and relationships have undergone great shifts. I do not know if he knows who he is at all.

I hope X is able to heal and, if the person I thought I knew exists, to forgive himself. I am sure my perspective will evolve as I turn to the question of why I seem to remain in such toxic relationships, and find ways to get better.

[Mutt]

Hi hotchip,

Thanks for sharing this. It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of honest reflection about what happened, and that kind of clarity can take time to reach.

The confusion you describe when the relationship is “ended” and then resumes again is something many people here recognize. When words and actions don’t line up over time, it can leave you questioning your own sense of events.

I was also really sorry to read about the loss of your pet’s ashes. Losing something that meaningful in the middle of everything else must have been incredibly painful.

Your line about grieving the person you thought you knew really stood out. Many of us have been through that same realization.

What part of this has been the hardest for you to process so far?

I’m glad you found your way here.

[PeteWitsend]

...

I am not sure what to trust, but it strikes me that there are similarities with X’s previous relationship, where he cheated on his then live-in partner with their mutual friend. X’s affair partner had also described X’s previous partner, the one who was cheated on, as being ‘horrible’ to X, a characterisation X repeated to me. I have a sense of cycles repeating.

...

Reading your post, it strikes me that you're making a fundamental mistake up front: you assume you know your X's motives and thoughts too well, and you continue to take his claims at face value, rather than assume that he may be lying, or stretching the truth in each case.

pwBPD are so notoriously unreliable, and have such a self-serving and temporary perspective of the world that you'll drive yourself insane trying to make sense of it all.  The same action you do can leave them happy, and then five minutes later castigating you for being selfish.  You have to realize you're trying to make sense of a disordered mind; once you accept that, you can understand that it was nothing you did, and nothing you could have done to change the end result, make them happy, or preserve the relationship.   

[hotchip]

PeteWitsend, thank you. This was important for me to hear:

"you continue to take his claims at face value, rather than assume that he may be lying, or stretching the truth in each case."

In fact, it now turns out he almost certainly cheated on me with the mutual friend, and lied to my face about it. A possibility I had previously excluded because surely he wouldn't do that.

I would love some tips on how to re-frame my perceptions so I simply do not expect truth or internal coherence in this issue.

Mutt, thank you again for your presence. The hardest thing is the shocking, horrible realisation the person I thought I knew simply didn't exist, or not in the way I thought they did. It was a flimsily assembled mirror of me in the relationship, which has fallen apart now the relationship is over.

Another thing I have realised is... I saw X act with integrity at various points during the relationship - during the relationship. And this is really important to me - doing what you say and saying what you do.

But before the relationship, and now after, he acted with quite a bit of non-integrity and inconsistency.

What if much of the integrity itself was... mirroring my values?

It's a frightening thought, but also maybe a comforting one. If the positive qualities were a reflection of my own actions and desires, then they remain with me now - I have not lost anything.

[Pook075]

It's a frightening thought, but also maybe a comforting one. If the positive qualities were a reflection of my own actions and desires, then they remain with me now - I have not lost anything.

If it's any help, my BPD ex-wife remarried (after an affair with said person and ending the marriage suddenly) and I almost don't recognize anything about her anymore.  It's like our life together just stopped existing and now she's into completely different music, different hobbies, different everything. 

It sounds like you've gone above and beyond to be the voice of reason in very unfair circumstances.  Good for you!  But at the same time, his true character has been revealed after he's cheated multiple times during multiple relationships...then blames the faithful partner. 

That's my story as well so I can relate, and several years later the one thing that still sticks with me is that I chose to take the high road.  I could have been just as ugly back then, but that's not who I was and I did not allow her betrayals to change who I am to today.  Like you, I tried to help and my efforts simply weren't enough. 

That's not a knock on me (or you) though and I've grown considerably because of the experience.  It's unfortunate we had to go through that, but there will be a time when you're thankful for it and you can see the relationship for what it was- caring for a mentally ill person the best you could.

[Mutt]

Hi hotchip,

There’s something in what you wrote that really stood out to me, especially the part where you wondered if the integrity you saw might have been a reflection of your own values.

That’s actually a really important shift.

One thing I’ve come to see is that it’s not necessarily about reducing someone to a label or a disorder. People are more complex than that. Someone can have real qualities, moments of integrity, even genuine care.

At the same time, when the patterns around truth, accountability, and consistency keep shifting, it becomes very hard to build something stable, no matter what qualities are there underneath.

I think that’s where a lot of the confusion comes from. In a healthy relationship, when something doesn’t make sense, you can usually talk it through and land somewhere consistent. In situations like this, the “rules” keep changing - what was true yesterday isn’t true today, and words and actions don’t line up long enough to hold onto.

So it makes sense that your mind keeps trying to reconcile it.

Over time, what helped me wasn’t trying to figure out who they “really” were underneath it all, but noticing what stayed consistent on my side:
- what I believed a relationship meant 
- how I showed up 
- what I was willing to tolerate, and eventually what I wasn’t 

The part you said about the good qualities possibly being yours… I think there’s a lot of truth in that. The capacity for integrity, care, and reflection didn’t disappear - it’s still with you.

And that can become a much more stable reference point than trying to make sense of someone else’s shifting reality.

It makes sense that you’re grieving. That realization about “the person you thought you knew” is a hard one, and a lot of people here recognize it.

You’re starting to separate what was yours from what wasn’t, and that’s not easy - but it’s a really important step forward.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I think that to someone with BPD, many things in life feel like trauma.  And when faced with "trauma," their reactions seem generally extreme, over-the-top and impulsive--they seem not to consider the longer-term consequences.  An example might be that a conversation about shared living expenses feels to them like exploitation, a break-up, betrayal, not caring, totally unfair.  Another example might be that perceived slowness in responding to a text might be considered rude, inattention, unloving--even if there's a plausible justification (you were very busy, driving or asleep at the time).  A pwBPD tends to go overboard with reactions; his response is not a proprotionate one.  He might get raging mad and threaten to break up with you, to try to get you to do his bidding.  He might stonewall you.  He might just yell at you until you relent and give him what he demands.  I think that deep down, he knows he's behaving poorly, which induces a deep shame.  So what does he do?  In his mind he distorts fact patterns, and creates a new version of events where YOU are blamed for whatever happened, so that he can feel better about himself and his behavior.

I guess I'm trying to say that his version of events can be highly distorted and self-serving, usually to blame-shift and avoid feelings of shame.  I think that lying isn't uncommon with BPD.  But with BPD, they can feel "justified" in twisting the truth, because their pain is too intense for them to handle.  It's almost like they look to the world to explain their pain, and they narrow in on perceived grievances while ignoring everything else that happened if it doesn't fit the traumatic victim narrative.  I think this is the black-and-white lens through which they interpret the world--they just don't see the whole picture, and they don't relate the entire story reliably, either.  I think that since they believe the narrative (typically a victim or blame-shifting narrative), they think they are justified, and it's not lying.  And here's the other thing--I think when deep down they know they're lying, they retreat in avoidance.  Avoidance is easier than taking responsibilility.  Over time, he may try to re-connect with you and pretend like nothing happened, hoping that you'll forget about the lie(s).  Sound familiar?  That's typical BPD in my experience.  I could ask the forum the question if the pwBPD in their life ever apologizes.  I think I know what the answer will be in most cases.

[Under The Bridge]

I could ask the forum the question if the pwBPD in their life ever apologizes.  I think I know what the answer will be in most cases.

...and 99.999 % of us give a resounding 'No'.  I was actually surprised to read in the forums that sometimes a BPD will apologise - though it's just words with no substance behind it. I stick to my opinion that they know exactly what they're doing far more than they would have us know.

Hotchip said ' The hardest thing is the shocking, horrible realisation the person I thought I knew simply didn't exist, or not in the way I thought they did. It was a flimsily assembled mirror of me in the relationship, which has fallen apart now the relationship is over'

When we finally realise this - and it is very hard to accept - an important milestone has been reached in the road to self-recovery; we didn't do anything to spoil this 'seems perfect for me' person, we were just beguiled by a very skilled and manipulative actor, regardless of how much of it was down to their illness or just plain temperament.

Best wishes.