Seeking support & education- adult daughter newly diagnosed after years of chaos

[resilientmama]

Greetings BPD family,

I'm seeking support.
My 27 y/o daughter whose displayed criteria for BPD since age 12, recently went into RTC treatment, and I believe she was finally properly diagnosed after 13+ years of self harm, SI and Suicide attempts, as well as overall risky behavior, violent outbursts, and utter chaos. I had to sit and cry for a few minutes after I got the news she'd received this diagnosis from the RTC she was willing to go to after 10 years of not having treatment for her mental health and substance-use disorder issues.

I think I came in here to find support and validation, as well as not to feel so alone as I have for the past 13+ years, especially with no professionals seeming to get her criteria. I've lost myself in many ways over the years trying to "save" and help her and over the past 10 months, after a few years of focusing more on my own well-being I got the inner sos to show up for her at a deeper and "don't give up on her this time" kind of level, which appears to be paying off. The only challenge is that while in treatment, she went AWOL and left one day, but came back. The reality is she's in an unfamiliar town and has trauma from living on the streets over the past few years. Yesterday, she had a breakthrough with her therapist's support, and it's only week 2 in the RTC, and she shared how she's grateful for this opportunity. Then, today I got a call; she's hating it again, and this has been how her life has been in general. I remembered her, and most BPD people often engage in "splitting", idealizing, or devaluing someone or a situation, and that this is normal for her as she's done it most of her life. Where I'm at is I know I need support and tools to rebuild my foundation and set healthy boundaries with her now that she's in treatment. I'm seeking guidance on how to break chaos patterns, stop trying to save my daughter, and learn to live with her BPD.

I want her to learn self-regulation and learn how to rely on herself, and I've become quite enmeshed and feel attached and responsible for her outcome because I fought for her to get into the RTC for the past 2+ months, and even crossed my own limit and let her live with me. I'm ready to live my own life and focus on my own well-being and joy, now. I'm reminded here that I require my own healing and self-regulation and that this is my opportunity now. I'd love any book recommendations, support group suggestions, or other resources for moms and parents. I have a music career, and I'm a Voice & creativity coach, and I'm 50 years young, ready for my next chapter. I have a great therapist, yet I want to be pre-emptive and give myself more support and be prepared for when my daughter calls like that- so I can be stronger for myself and her. Thanks for hearing me.

A Mom who loves her daughter, and who's remembering to <3 herself



 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I also have a 27 year old BPD daughter (and a BPD ex-wife).  I can relate to so much of your journey and I fought many of the same battles.  I think I knew something was very off when my kid was maybe 5 or 6 years old.  The teenage years were catastrophic though!

The best advice I ever received was from a psychiatrist who laughed at me.  He actually laughed at everyone and our secret nickname for him was Dr. Happy.  We brought our kid to his hospital for her 6th or 7th in-patient stay (first time at this hospital) and he looked at my ex-wife and I with puzzlement.  He asked, "Why are you still here?

I explained that our child had BPD and this happened, that happened, and that she's a danger to herself and others.  But he laughed at me and repeated the question.  "That's why your daughter is here...but why are you still here?"

I repeated the same things, all the ways I want to help my daughter, and he continued to laugh at me.  I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone or something because it wasn't making any sense.  I thought maybe he didn't understand me.

Finally, he said, "Do you think that you have any impact at all on your daughter's mental health?"

And of course I did.  I'm her dad and it's my responsibility to protect her, to guide her.  More laughter.

Finally, he explained that I'm responsible for myself and I have zero control over anyone else in my life.  The same is true for my daughter, and I was trying to work harder than she was to overcome mental illness.  He stressed that it doesn't work that way, I can't save her and I can't heal her.  Only she can do that for herself.

With that, he came back to the original question- so why are you still here?

My wife at the time finally spoke up and said, "Well, what are we supposed to be doing then?"

And Dr. Happy gave a pretty epic answer.  He said, "I don't know.  Go see a movie, take a beach vacation, have great sex in the living room.  That's not for me to say.  But your task for the next week is to let go of this ridiculous burden you're carrying by thinking that you can do a single thing that can make your kid better."

My life honestly changed after that day by fully understanding that my kid is in control and she won't get better until she's personally ready to commit to therapy.  I could scream, I could plead and beg, and it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.  The way to get past something in our lives is to actually get past it...nobody can do it for us.

So I'm telling you what Dr. Happy told me- stop being a prisoner to your own guilt and shame.  You can't save your daughter, not even the best doctors in the world can save her until she's ready to actually make changes.  You can save yourself though by focusing on your own mental health and letting go that mountain of fear.  Let your kid fall down, let her struggle.  That's the only way she'll actually realize that she needs help in the first place.

That's what we did and several years later, my kid took therapy seriously.  She actually sought out Dr. Happy, even though she hated him at first, and the changes in her life were substantial.  She's still mentally ill, of course, but she has such a great handle on checking herself and learning to avoid self-sabotage.  It helped me heal as well though by realizing that it's not my burden and I can only do so much.

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family!

[Mutt]

Hi resilientmama,

Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m really glad you found your way here, and I’m sorry for the long road that’s brought you in.

Reading your post, I can feel how much you’ve been carrying for a very long time. Thirteen years of chaos, fear, trying to help, trying to hold things together… that takes a toll. It makes sense that hearing the diagnosis brought up a mix of relief, grief, and everything in between.

There’s also something really important in what you shared. You’re starting to shift your focus back toward yourself. Wanting to rebuild your foundation, set healthier boundaries, and step out of that “saving” role is a big step. That doesn’t mean you love your daughter any less. If anything, it often means you’re trying to move into a healthier way of loving her and yourself.

What you described with the ups and downs in treatment, the moments of breakthrough followed by resistance, is something many parents here recognize. It can feel like hope and fear are constantly trading places.

You’re not alone in this. There are many parents here who have walked a similar path and are learning how to support their child while also reclaiming their own lives.

Since you mentioned wanting tools and support, one place many people start is learning about boundaries and stepping out of the cycle of over-responsibility. If you’d like, we can share some resources and approaches that have helped others here.

For now, I just want to say I’m really glad you reached out. You’ve been doing this on your own for a long time, and you don’t have to do that here.

[CC43]

Hi Resilient Mama,

Your name says a lot.  You've been through a lot.  And you've come to the right place.

I went through a similar situation, dealing with years of disfunctional behavior, multiple suicide attempts, multiple hospital stays, unstable living situations, varying diagnoses.  But finally a reputable psychiatric hospital gave a diagnosis of BPD with avoidant narcissistic traits, plus substance abuse disorder.  There were bouts of anxiety and depression, too, which were treated with medications to help stabilize her, but medications didn't "fix" the underlying issue of BPD.  Only by working hard at therapy could the pwBPD in my life start to feel better.  She's about your daughter's age, and being so young, she really turned things around in a relatively short timeframe, just a couple of years.  Though she still struggles and is alienated from her family right now, her life looks a whole lot better than it did just a few short years ago.  We keep tabs on her through her therapist.

Pook is another parent on these boards who had to see his dear daughter hit bottom before she decided to take therapy seriously and turn her life around, too.  I'm just saying that to underscore that BPD is treatable!  Maybe your daughter's emotional sensitivity and proclivity for negative/disordered thinking will always be inside her, but she can learn better coping mechanisms to improve her day-to-day functioning, and hopefully her relationships, too.  I really like Pook's realization that he's not responsible for his daughter and he can't fix her, even if he'd like to.  Dr. Happy is right, most of the time it feels like we the parents are trying harder than the kids with BPD, and that just doesn't work.

I bet you're feeling overwhelmed and a mix of fear, obligation and guilt--we call that the FOG here.  The FOG can prevent you from thinking clearly, and it can predispose you to overreact to your daughter's crisis du jour.  That's why you need to focus on your own wellbeing, especially when you are stressed out with worry.  Your daughter needs Resilient, Balanced, Healthy Mama, not Distressed, Guilt-ridden, Fearful, Mournful and Exhausted Mama.  You can think of it as being a role model for daughter about what a healthy adult's life looks like.

Anyway, I think the worst part of BPD is the victim mindset.  A pwBPD blames everyone else for her problems, and in the process she abdicates responsibility for her life.  She always seems to give up on herself, way too easily.  I think that's why she probably has to hit bottom before she decides to get some professional help.  You can't "force" her to get therapy; she has to want to get it.  Curiously, the pwBPD in my life actually warmed to the notion of getting professional help, because it validated her view of feeling traumatized by life, and needing extra support to get past it.  Plus, professional doctors and therapists don't come with all the emotional baggage that the family carries.

I guess my advice for you would be to not enable the status quo for your daughter.  Sure, she might threaten to leave or actually leave the program.  But you don't have to make it easy for her to quit by giving her a bed to crash on.  I think it's natural for her to want to quit, because quitting is her usual response to distress, and therapy is WORK, which feels distressing to your daughter.

Now I imagine you've come here worried sick and at the brink of despair, even if you are incredibly resilient.  But I see some good things here.  First, your daughter has a diagnosis--that's something.  It probably explains a lot of her difficulties.  Second, BPD is treatable.  That's the first thing I read when I learned of a diagnosis and Googled BPD, and it gave me some hope.  Third, your daughter is still young; she has most of her adult life ahead of her.  She can turn things around without having BPD derail her entire life.  Fourth, she has YOU, Resilient Mama.  I think you're her best ally on the road to recovery, provided that you're in a calm and healthy place.  And finally, your daughter is in a program now, after having struggled a long time.  She has moments of positivity when she feels she has an opportunity to turn her life around.  I'm really hoping this is an inflection point for her, that she realizes that she's worth fighting for, and that she doesn't give up, even when she wants to.  It can be done.

When I reached that inflection point with my adult BPD stepdaughter, I said to my dear husband, My darling, your job isn't to fix your daughter, because nothing we've tried so far has seemed to work.  Your job right now is to ensure she follows doctors' orders.  By that I mean, don't enable her to do other things, such as hide out in her bedroom all day, go on a fun trip, or otherwise revert to the unhealthy status quo.  In other words, to continue to enjoy parental support (housing, health insurance, etc.), she has to follow doctor's orders, whatever they are.  She absolutely could choose to go her own way, and we'd respect that, but then she wouldn't get any parental financial support.  Fortunately, the choice was clear for her.

All my best to you.