BPD Sister - Wedding [Completely blindsided, need help]

[Em9321]

I haven't been back to this forum in a LONG time, but i'm putting some brief historical context before i get to the update. In need of some major support or suggestions.

My older sister has never been formally diagnosed, but she’s had severe emotional outbursts my entire life. Growing up, this included things like smashing her head into objects, putting her foot through a car windshield, physically lashing out (shoving me, kicking my mom/dad, breaking doors, etc), and making extreme threats like wanting to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. She would also scream at me, tell me I hated the family, or try to isolate me whenever I did something independent. It created a really unstable and scary environment for me as a kid.

My parents have always enabled her behavior because they don’t know how to handle it, so a lot of this was minimized or turned back on me. Even now, it feels like they don’t fully acknowledge the impact it had on me and often believe her version of events.

A few years ago, I moved out and now live with my husband, which has been amazing for my mental health. Since then, my relationship with my sister has been very surface-level and feels fake. She never took accountability or apologized - she just pretends nothing happened. We only see each other at family events and don’t have a real relationship otherwise.

For example, when I told her I was moving in with my (now) husband, she had a huge outburst - screaming, crying, insulting him, trying to break through my door, and telling me I was abandoning the family. Afterward, she never apologized and just expected things to go back to normal.

She finally moved out of my parents home at the age of 31, is fully functioning (job, relationship, etc.), and my parents say things are “good” now, which is confusing given my experience.

When I got engaged, she barely acknowledged it. Not long after, she got engaged too, which brought up a lot of old feelings around competition, jealousy, and never being allowed to have anything be about me without it being overshadowed.

For my wedding this past August, I set a firm boundary and did not include her in my bridal party. She actually handled it better than expected and didn’t make it about her, which surprised me.

Now, out of nowhere, I just received a package from her asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this October, with a note that says: “Even though I wasn’t in yours, we are turning a new leaf

[zachira]

It seems it is really up to you to decide whether to be in your sister's bridal party. It sounds like perhaps you would rather not yet fear how badly she will treat you no matter whether you are in the bridal party or at her wedding as just one of the guests. This distrust of your sister based on past abuses of you is legitimate and concerning.

You are not alone in having a disordered close relative whom you cannot trust and would not likely associate with if she were not your sister.  Know that you do not have to make a decision that is set in stone, that your decision can change based on how you are being treated by your sister and how you feel in the future.

I am wondering if your sister has asked you to be a bridesmaid so she will be in a superior position as the bride to mistreat you. What do you think?

What is your preference? You can state your preference without having to make a final irrevocable decision.

[Em9321]

I accidentally PM'd you, but here is what I said:

I am definitely feeling that way - that she is asking me to be in her party as a power move, to show the family that she is "more forgiving" and a better person than I am because I didn't have her in my party.

There's a couple of different reasons she could be doing this:
1. She wants to be in a superior position to mistreat me and brush things under the rug without having to talk about or discuss her actions that have hurt me my entire life. Bring me back in the cycle and use this "big" moment to guilt me into it.

2. She wants to show outsiders that she is the superior person, and that by asking me to be in her party, she is ultimately better because I did not have her in mine.

3. Someone dropped out of her party and she needs to fill the space (we had a conversation months ago with my husband and her fiancee and she was talking about the ladies who were going to be in her party - no mention of me whatsoever, and I didn't think twice about it.)

4. All of the above

I have not given an answer and will be putting it off until i can come up with a resolution. I  know my family will be on her side if i say no, but if that's what I decide, i will have to be ok with it.

[Mutt]

Em9321, I’m really glad you came back and shared this. That history you described isn’t small, and it makes sense that this situation would feel loaded and confusing.

What stood out to me is that your body already seems to know the answer. You’re not reacting to just a bridesmaid invite, you’re reacting to years of instability, lack of accountability, and things being brushed aside. That kind of history doesn’t just reset because of a note about “turning a new leaf.”

It also makes sense that you’re trying to figure out her motives, but that can pull you into her world a bit. You may never get a clear or honest answer there. What might be more useful is focusing on what this would mean for you.

If you said yes, how would you feel in the lead-up and on the day? Would you feel safe, respected, and able to enjoy it?
If you said no, what would that protect for you?

There isn’t a “right” answer here, but there is a self-protective one.

It’s also okay to choose something in the middle. You don’t have to accept a role that feels too close if the relationship itself hasn’t been repaired. Being a guest is already participation. You’re not rejecting her wedding by setting a boundary around your level of involvement.

And you’re right about one thing, your family may react. But their reaction doesn’t define whether your decision is reasonable. It just reflects the pattern you’ve been in with them.

You don’t have to decide today. Taking some time and space before responding is completely fair.

What feels most aligned for you right now, even if it’s just a small step in one direction?

[Em9321]

I feel like saying yes almost lets her off the hook. It feels like the easy way out for her, and honestly for my family too. My mom constantly tells me that my relationship with my sister keeps her up at night and that she hates that we’re “fighting.” But the reality is, my mom and sister are very enmeshed, which makes everything more complicated, and somehow I still end up being seen as the bad guy for having boundaries.

I was genuinely impressed with how my sister behaved at my wedding. But historically, every time I’ve let my guard down, it follows the same pattern: she has an outburst, then comes back with emotional apologies, asks me not to abandon her, promises to change, and I feel hopeful… only to get pulled right back into the same cycle of being blamed, screamed at, and treated badly.

This is a cycle I was stuck in my entire life before I moved out and set boundaries. I’ve always said that if there were a sincere apology, real accountability, and an actual conversation, I would be open to rebuilding a relationship, but that has never happened.

I also can’t shake this strong sense of fairness - like you don’t get to treat your family poorly for years and still get everything you want without ever taking responsibility or working to repair the damage.

So I feel really torn. Part of me wants to say no to protect my boundaries, acknowledge that I still feel genuine fear and discomfort around her, and stay true to what I’ve worked hard to build for myself. But another part of me wants to say yes because I’ve seen small signs of growth, she did handle my wedding better than expected, I don’t want to be seen as the bad guy by my family, and honestly, I don’t want to create more drama or conflict.

[ForeverDad]

What would be your "comfort zone"?  Where would you prefer to be, in the wedding party or more comfortable sitting in one of the front rows?

I recall the first wedding I was in.  The groom was one of my best friends and wanted me to be his best man.  However, his bride had invited every girlfriend she knew that since they weren't in other weddings they could be in hers.  Ten bridesmaids.  So many that it was decided we all would be arranged and paired by height.  Needless to say, I was the tallest and so rather than being the best man I was the 10th man.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't be in the wedding.  I do say there are many factors involved and some could rise up out of left field.

There is something to consider about BPD traits.  Often some distance and less frequency of interaction reduces the level of discord.  If you've been on the periphery of your sister's life recently, you might ponder whether the relationship and reduced conflict might be due to the less interaction.  Or whether instead it may be that over the years and with increased maturity she may be becoming a less problematic person.  Something to ponder.

[Notwendy]

This is a tough one because there's going to be drama and a reaction no matter what you decide. It then becomes a choice of which drama to deal with.

Your parents mean well but they are also part of the dynamics with their enabling and (understandable) wish to keep the peace.

I commend you for going out on your own and having your own stable home and relationship. The distance is also a part of decreasing the drama between you and your sister, and it's also the "normal" part of maturation for you, as a young adult.

It seems your sister has made some progress too, but how much contact with her and what boundaries you wish to have are still your decision. Since you still are connected to other family members- parents, other relatives, you will have some contact with your sister at times too. How much will need to be your decision, based on your feelings, time, and how much feels emotionally safe to you.

You may feel pressured to let everything go and "turn over a new leaf" according to what your sister wants. People mention forgiveness but that isn't the same as having no boundaries or forgetting. It's a decision for yourself, based on giving yourself peace. It doesn't mean opening up the oportunity for being treated poorly.  One way to look at this decision is according to your own values, not your sister's wishes or ideas.

If it were me, I'd make a list of the pros and cons of "yes" and "no" and where to draw the boundary line. With my BPD mother, the line kept moving. If I said yes to a request, then there'd be another, and another, until eventually I said no- and she'd react as if I didn't say yes to any of them. It seemed that unless I agreed to everything she asked, which meant no boundaries, it wouldn't be enough for her, so I just had to come to terms with that, and agree to what I was willing to do.

One example was a birthday party of hers. She wanted us to get together with her relatives the night before but I told her everyone would have been travelling all day and wanted to rest up for the party the next day where we'd see all the relatives, and  we'd like her to join us for dinner- just her. That led to a reaction on her part, and changed the mood for the rest of the weekend.

With the wedding, showing up for a few hours in a dress the bride picks out might be tolerable for the sake of family peace and not rocking the boat with parents- however, a concern would be the associated events- the rehearsal dinner, bridal shower, and the frequent contact with the bride. As wonderful as weddings are, the brides are stressed and you don't want to be a frequent outlet for your sister's stress.

I felt similar issues when planning our family events. We'd invite BPD mother- but once she was invited, there were the phone calls over the food, the guest list, requests to invite people in her circle, and then the attention she needed during the event. It's like it opened the door to frequent contact over the event and more boundary negotiations.

Looking at a "yes"-

Saying "yes" may feel like letting your sister off the hook but it's possible that accountability on her part isn't going to happen, due to her own disordered BPD thinking. If you say "yes" to being in the wedding party- it would feel more acceptable to you if do it from your values, not about her, and also without expectations of how she behaves.

If you do say "yes", also decide on other boundaries. "Yes" also means the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner but it doesn't have to include the bridal shower, dress shopping, or being available for your sister to call you when she feels stressed.

Looking at a "no"-

If you say "no" - also do so based on your boundaries and values, because there will be a reaction from your sister and parents to deal with too.

It seemed that when there were family events involving BPD mother, she found some reason to be upset. It felt demoralizing. In examining my own feelings, I realized that I had expectations, hopes, that somehow she'd respond differently but she had her own feelings to manage.

After that I decided that if I said "yes", or did something for BPD mother, the decision would be based on me, and not with any expectations of how she was going to behave. Same with a "no". Also pay attention to your feelings. A "yes", based on wanting to do something or being willing to do it (we sometimes do things we don't always want to do- but are willing to do) then you won't feel resentful. When we say "yes" to something we aren't willing to do, but we do it out of FOG, we feel resentful.

If you say "no" to being in the wedding party and still attend, will that be awkward? Or should you not attend at all? If you say "yes" to being in the wedding party- in order to maintain some peace in the family, that includes the rehearsal dinner, you'd still have to have boundaries on the rest of it. "No" to the shower? "No" to being available for your sister to vent to? Whatever you decide- consider all the steps and aspects to this wedding and where you need to draw the boundary line, and do it without expectations of how your sister behaves. She's going to do what she does.

[Notwendy]

I’ve always said that if there were a sincere apology, real accountability, and an actual conversation, I would be open to rebuilding a relationship, but that has never happened.

I felt the same way about my BPD mother. But it didn't happen on her part because, she couldn't do this. To actually apologize involves feeling shame and shame is extremely difficult for someone with BPD. They avoid that to protect themselves.

Also, victim perspective. If they perceive themselves as a victim, then they don't feel a need to apologize. This also avoids shame.

It's frustrating because, everyone makes mistakes, probably steps on someone's toes sometimes, and a sincere apology is how we make amends and repair relationships, but sometimes it's not in the person's capacity to do this.

There's grief in accepting the limitations of a relationship with someone we have so much hope for. We wish for a good relationship with a parent, or a sibling but all relationships involve two people and if someone has a disorder that impacts relationships - then it's going to make for a different one.

Still, I could decide my part in this. How do I want to act in this relationship. What boundaries to have. We can treat someone decently and yet, still not allow ourselves to be treated poorly. Sometimes it's walking a fine line with this and it's not perfect. For some people, the relationship is so toxic, no contact is the best solution. For others, it could be low contact. Sometimes it changes between NC and LC at different times. One person's decision may not be best for someone else. You can decide how you wish to do this.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I can see why you're reluctant.  In my opinion, the invitation from your sister seems manipulative . . . she mentions being excluded from your bridal party, which sounds like a guilt trip to me.  Thus her statement about turning a new leaf rings hollow to me; it feels like posturing.  I think if she genuinely wanted you to be in the bridal party, that's what she would have said, "I'd love for you to be in my bridal party, Sis."  Does that interpretation seem right to you?

This is a tough one, but based on what you've written, I can see why you'd be reluctant.  I feel that your sister has unresolved past grievances about feeling excluded, abandoned and/or upstaged by you at your wedding ("Even though I wasn't in your bridal party . . . "), and she's trying to guilt you into something.  In other words, even though her life is going great, she's still stuck in the past and finding things to be upset about with you.  My guess is that your parents will want you to bend over backwards to do everyting your sister wants, to keep the peace--probably because that's been your role historically.

I think in your shoes I might try to find a middle ground, something like, "Sis, I'm really happy for you and the upcoming nuptials.  I'm honored you asked me to be a bridesmaid, but it's not a role I'm great at playing, and I wouldn't want to disappoint you.  Perhaps I could have another role, such as a reading?"  Now, it's possible that she might throw a fit at this response.  If she does, then you've got your answer:  she didn't want you as a bridesmaid, she wanted to manipulate you.  But if she accepts the response, then maybe she really is in a good place right now, and you could choose a wonderful reading for her wedding.  Meanwhile, you might actually enjoy the wedding because you've avoided much of the potential drama leading up to it.  How does that sound?

[GaGrl]

This is a tough decision. In most families, it's assumed a sister will be a bridesmaid. Those on the outside, with little to no knowledge of the family dynamics of a BPD sister, would expect to see that sister as a bridesmaid. But...you know hat to expect.

Your sister will be under a lot of stress. How has she reacted to big events in the past? Has she taken the stress out on you? It's not just the wedding -- it's the dress shopping and alterations, planning for venue and food, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, etc.

What do you want to do?

[Notwendy]

There's another consideration for the "yes" category and it's that this is a major milestone. We tend to remember major events. I don't recall every time there was an issue with BPD mother, but I do recall an issue at my graduation- because graduation is a big milestone.

There will also be a photographer and so whatever you decide becomes a permanent memory.

So while you could turn down an invitation from your sister to an ordinary event- turning this down may become a permanent record.

Saying "yes" also doesn't mean that you and your sister are going to be besties for the long run. It could mean deciding to deal with the situation until the wedding is over.

You know that when your sister is involved, there's likely drama. The decision is whether or not to just deal with it for the reason of the wedding, family pictures etc.  The important part is- whatever you choose, it's because you choose it. "I choose to deal with potential wedding drama for the duration of the wedding planning" or "I choose to avoid it".

In general, I tend to look at what is a short term solution that could possibly have long term consequences and weigh that into a decision. This doesn't mean being a doormat, doing everyone's bidding. It means making a choice and owning that choice.

I assume she didn't ask you to be maid of honor as that comes with other obligations. As a bridesmaid, you'd be obligated to get the dress, be present for rehearsals and rehearsal dinner and ceremony/reception. The day of the ceremony is where the professional photos are taken.  Bride shopping, batchlorette party, shower, and listening to your sister vent- these are optional. All bridesmaids don't need to be there at the wedding dress shopping or fitting. Usually the bride goes with mothers, MIL, sisters, SIL's, best friends but it isn't obligatory for you to be there.

Still this is your choice. This is just another aspect to consider when making it.

[ForeverDad]

The dear groom hasn't been mentioned yet.  I'm assuming you've met him and have a sense of how much balance he can generate in the marriage.  Maybe he has even suggested you be included, remarking to your sister that he was expecting that.  While we don't want to overthink this, he might be a positive influence on your sister's actions and reactions.