Uncomfortable Solutions That Work With Disordered People

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a very disordered neighbor who has lived next door to me for several years. Most of the time I limit my contact with her. Unfortunately she never stops trying to control me and all the other neighbors with her unreasonable demands. I blew up at her a few years ago when I was woken up by some hammering. She had hired some contractors to replace a door that she did not like on my house. I blew up and told her to never do any work on my house without telling me first. I have had a few incidents like this over the years, being very civil and distancing myself from her which mostly works. The problem is once she goes on a tangent of control, yelling at her when I can't take it any more is what seems to work.

I have always had trouble with her bothering me about the areas around my house, in particular the community storage area next to my house. In recent months, she has been on my case, to remove my sand bags which I might need if there is a severe rain storm and have permission to store there by the HOA all of which I have briefly explained to her several times. She recently told me she has been appointed to manage the storage area which the HOA President confirmed to me is not true. She has been bothering other neighbors about removing what they have stored there.

Yesterday was just too much when she once again went after me about the sand bags. I blew up at her and told her to stay out of my business. I have never had a bad temper, yet this seems to be what works to get her to leave me alone. At one time, I told her I would not speak to her anymore and she begged me to not do that. I gave her the silent treatment for around a year. It seems that no contact is in order again.

My frustration with this is I do not like to raise my voice with another person or to give that person the silent treatment. It seems that with some disordered people uncomfortable solutions that are not how I like to treat people are what work.

[zachira]

I have a very disordered neighbor who has lived next door to me for several years. Most of the time I limit my contact with her. Unfortunately she never stops trying to control me and all the other neighbors with her unreasonable demands. I blew up at her a few years ago when I was woken up by some hammering. She had hired some contractors to replace a door that she did not like on my house. I blew up and told her to never do any work on my house without telling me first. I have had a few incidents like this over the years, being very civil and distancing myself from her which mostly works. The problem is once she goes on a tangent of control, yelling at her when I can't take it any more is what seems to work.

I have always had trouble with her bothering me about the areas around my house, in particular the community storage area next to my house. In recent months, she has been on my case, to remove my sand bags which I might need if there is a severe rain storm and have permission to store there by the HOA all of which I have briefly explained to her several times. She recently told me she has been appointed to manage the storage area which the HOA President confirmed to me is not true. She has been bothering other neighbors about removing what they have stored there.

Yesterday was just too much when she once again went after me about the sand bags. I blew up at her and told her to stay out of my business. I have never had a bad temper, yet this seems to be what works to get her to leave me alone. At one time, I told her I would not speak to her anymore and she begged me to not do that. I gave her the silent treatment for around a year. It seems that no contact is in order again.

My frustration with this is I do not like to raise my voice with another person or to give that person the silent treatment. It seems that with some disordered people uncomfortable solutions that are not how I like to treat people are what work.

[zachira]

I posted this on this board because a lot of my discomfort with disordered people comes from growing up in a highly dysfunctional family and from ongoing traumatic reenactments. The narcissism of this disordered neighbor reminds me of my mother with BPD and some other disordered people who are/were in my life.

[Notwendy]

I still feel uncomfortable with being firm with people. It feels as if I am doing something wrong and I agree- it's from our childhood where if we did stand up for ourselves, there were consequences.

If we encounted a disordered person now, we can have similar feelings as with our disordered family member(s).

[wantmorepeace]

Given what you describe, I don't think it's unreasonable to blow up, but I understand your discomfort with doing that and would say that being firm and blowing up are not the same.  You should definitely be firm and not let her walk on you.

I've noticed for myself that sometimes I need to work myself up to anger in order to be firm (even though I know they don't have to be the same).  I mention in case it resonates for you.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I grew up with a "difficult" person in the family, and maybe that's how I learned to tolerate difficult people.  I ended up choosing a career which is notorious for attracting difficult people, maybe because I was used to it?  But even after years of experience, I still had to learn some tricks, especially when I became a manager.  At first, I was probably way too nice, hoping not to bruise any egos and to be liked as a manager.  I thought, if I treated others as I wished to be treated, with fairness, respect and kindness, that surely they would respond in kind.  But that doesn't always work, unfortunately.  Some "difficult" people won't take any hints, and they'll read "niceness" as weakness, as a reason not to respect you.  I think sometimes, you might do better if you speak their "language."  You see, what they understand best is assertiveness.  Instead of bending over backwards so as not to offend, they need to see you as tough and important, as well as intolerant of their baloney.  Now I'm not saying you should to fly off your rocker or do anything dishonest.  But you can be assertive, and I think that sometimes, they respond better to that.  It might be especially tough for women to do, because being assertive / tough is typically viewed as unseemly.  But I think it is more effective with this type of person.

So in your situation where somebody is lying about their authority and making unreasonable requests of you, while violating your rights (e.g. by encroaching on your property without your permission), and when they ignore you when you defend your rights in a civil manner, I think it's OK to speak to them in their own language.  You might have to adopt an aggressive persona, speak loudly and firmly.  I would relish catching them in a lie ("You have no authority over the storage space, you're lying and you know it. / You are trespassing on my property without my consent, and you know it. / If you trespass again, I'm calling the cops and reporting you to the HOA.")  Promptly escort them off your property, turn around and don't give them more attention.

I confess, sometimes I don't have to say a single word.  Sometimes just by standing tall, maybe with my arms crossed, and staring directly at them will succeed in intimidating them.  If they make an unreasonable request (Move the sand), I might say firmly, No I will not--and I won't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).  In cases of active trespassing, sometimes what I've done is take out my phone and snap pictures as evidence (including of their car and license plate).  The act of taking pictures will send a strong message, make them feel uncomfortable, and they will usually leave the scene quickly.  Maybe a passive way of doing this is to install a door camera, which might be another option to consider.

Just my two cents.

[Pook075]

From my experiences, I think the core problem is that the disordered person obsesses over what they think is right over and over again until it feels like there can't be any other sensible outcome.  So you have the conversation, a week goes by, and that person has added 100+ hours of disordered dialogue to what you talked about.

You and I, we think logically and we can recall with fairly good clarity how things happened.  Yet if either one of us really fixates on it, our imaginations could take over and slightly alter important things about our past.  For example, a fisherman telling the story of the one he caught decades ago...that fish just keeps getting bigger and stronger every year.  I think BPD's do that x1000.

How you handle it is anyone's guess, because you can only control your actual part of the conversation.  What happens afterwards, within their mind, makes that last conversation much less relevant and leads to chaos.  That's why you have to keep saying, "Leave my sandbags alone!"  They might remember that comment but after so many hours of illogical self-dialogue, they conclude that's not what you actually meant at all.

[Notwendy]

I think we resort to yelling when we have just had so much of the behavior and are frazzled. I don't think we have intentions of being rude, or mean, it's more out of distress and after we've tried to respond calmly but can't seem to get through to them.

Pook has a point about disordered people thinking differently. We learn certain rules about boundaries early on. We wouldn't think of doing work on someone's house without their permission, and we asume others think like that too. So when someone violates a boundary out of the blue, it takes us by surprise.

I also don't like to yell at people, and it's rare that I do it but it's usually out of exasperation- like how can I get through to this person? I find that it works for a while to get them to stop,  but I don't like that I did it.