Call from uBPD mom, Dad's [possible] cancer

[WalkbyFaith]

I haven't been on here in a while, so apologies for being a bit disconnected from everyone.

Brief background: I have been extremely-LC with my family for 4 years now. My mom is uBPD, my dad is her enabler, and my siblings chose to side with mom when I set firm boundaries.

Last Sunday morning, I was awakened at 7:30 AM by a phone call from my mom. I knew immediately that something was wrong because a) she has texted but hasn't tried to call me at all in the last four years, and b) we live on opposite sides of the world so it was 1:30 AM for her. I could also see that I had missed call/text notifications from both my mom and my youngest sibling, so I braced for the worst and picked up the phone (while still trying to wake up!).

My mom informed me that my dad was admitted to the hospital, and initial scans were showing what looks like Stage 4 cancer metastisized in several organs in his abdomen.

She called me again later that day and texted the following day, to give me updates on the situation from the doctors and surgeons. At this point, they are still saying it looks like metastatic cancer growths but they won't say anything with 100% certainty until the pathology report comes back, which should be tomorrow.

This has been a LOT for me to process this week. The news about my dad. The first time hearing my mom's voice in 4+ years. The torturous wait for results. The what-ifs. The regret and fear that I have wasted the last few years not being in contact. The desire to be back in the family right now in this crisis, at odds with not wanting to just sweep everything (conflict/abuse) under the rug, plus my siblings refusing to answer my texts when I did reach out to them this week.

My body is feeling the stress - my stomach has been in knots and upset all week and I've had a headache almost every day. I'm going through ups and downs of feeling numb + wanting to cry every 5 minutes. And we don't even have a definite diagnosis or prognosis yet!

We are scheduled to travel back to the States this summer to visit friends & family, and ironically, I'd already been considering reaching out to my parents and exploring the idea of trying to have a conversation with them while we are there - trying to start steps toward restoring contact. My therapist even offered to have my mom zoom in to a couple of our sessions before then so she could mediate some initial conversations. Now that this has happened with my dad, though, it doesn't feel like the right time to be like - "ok guys we need to talk about our relationship" and yet I can't stay NC/LC with this going on either.

[Notwendy]

First of all- be kind to yourself. This is difficult. In a way, this post could be from me to my past self, several years ago, when I got the news that my father was seriously ill, and also what I learned from the experience.

I wasn't LC with my parents. I didn't know about BPD. I was more enmeshed and also an enabler to my BPD mother. Yet, I also had been her scapegoat child and was still trying to be "good enough" for my parents, not knowing that due to the dynamics in the family, for anyone, being "good enough" for BPD mother probably wasn't possible.

What I wasn't prepared for was that BPD mother's behavior escalated during this time. It was the opposite of what one would expect from a "normal" parent- to be kinder- during such a difficult time. But knowing now, the dynamics were that my father- who also enabled her- this was a form of emotional caretaking and that, with Karpman triangle dynamics, she was in Victim mode, and Dad was in Rescuer.

In Victim role, a person is not accountable. They are not to blame. For the pwBPD, this perspective is prefered. It avoids shame. However, in the situation where my father was ill, he was the actual victim, struggling with an illness, and where the family dynamics were usually focused on BPD mother, they were now focused on him, and BPD mother's behaviors escalated.

Not understanding this dynamic, and being emotionally upset too, I reacted to that. In a "normal" situation, a parent would be understanding that their children are upset too, but this was beyond the capacity of BPD mother and in my father's condition, his too, and with the pattern of rescuer, she got angry at me, he then aligned with her. To cope, I had to have boundaries- and this didn't sit well with them either.

There's more to say about the experience but for now, I agree with you that - if this were my parents- now is not the time for attempting to have a conversation about the relationship with hope for some resolution of past issues. This is a high stress situation for them and also for you and your siblings. While one hopes people would be kinder and more supportive in this situation, when there's dysfunction, escalation of the disordered behaviors may be likely.

For me, to actually reconcile issues was not possible. BPD mother was not capable of that. Bringing up anything that happened- she'd get angry and dissociate. Also it seemed that whatever I tried to do- she'd find something to be angry at.

For me, I realized that resolution for me would be on my part. If looking to my parents for approval, forgiveness, may not be possible, it could still lean on faith and my own ethics for how to relate to them, and maintain my own sense of self worth. I also looked closely at the line of how to relate to my parents while also having boundaries and to hold on to the (sometimes not certain belief) that it isn't wrong to to have boundaries, even if they didn't like it.

And to accept the sadness that this isn't the relationship I wanted with my elderly parents, because I did want to help them in their elder years, but this was not what I hoped it would be.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I think it's important to have support at this time- and also to understand that immediate family isn't likely to be capable of being of support. That's not your fault. It's their limitations. Turn to the people who can be of support- therapists, your friends, community, faith.

I hope for you and your family that the results tomorrow is good news.

[TelHill]

I'm really sorry  to hear this. This is such difficult news.

I'm saying this only because I've had this happen multiple times in my toxic extended family. My apologies for bringing this up. Disordered people have been known to fake or exaggerate illnesses.

Have you talked only to uBPD mom about this and has your sibling been her flying monkey in the past? Maybe call dad in the hospital to verify or ask to speak with him at the hospital main number and hang up before you speak to dad.

If real, please take care of yourself. Notwendy has great suggestions about what to expect when illness strikes an enabler parent.

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear about your dad. One strategy that works for me when I can arrange it is to avoid being alone with disordered people who are abusive like my mother with BPD was when she was alive and to have other people around that the disordered person wants to look good in front of. Does your mother seem like a nice decent person when around people she wants to look good in front of and with whom she chooses to hide her BPD like behaviors from?

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry about the news, surely this is really stressful for you.  I'd caution you that it's possible your mother's BPD behaviors will amp up when there's sickiness in the family.  This could be because of the emotional intensity and uncertainty of the situation, the general stress involved, the rupture of routines as well as attention being diverted away from her.  Cue the feelings of abandonment--potential, real or imagined--and the situation will likely be triggering for your mom.  It's possible your mom will expect everyone to shower her with attention, and when she doesn't get it, she could lash out.

I also like the advice of TelHill to consider pursuing confirmation of whatever your mom says about your dad.  With BPD, there's a tendency to create drama and to stretch the truth to portray the pwBPD as the victim.  I'm not saying your mom is intentionally lying, but if I were in your shoes I'd want to hear another person's version too, ideally from your dad.

[Notwendy]

As Tel- Hill mentioned, it did happen that BPD mother exaggerated illness. I did try to speak to a medical provider to get actual information, when possible, sometimes the nurses were more accessible. If possible- can you speak to your father directly? Also ask him to give consent for you to speak to his providers if he's willing to do that.

Keep in mind that anything you say to your father could be shared with BPD mother. This includes her listening to phone calls, seeing emails. Hopefully your father is able to share information.

As Zachira advised- BPD mother did hold it together when others were around, but being alone with her was unpredictable. When I visited, I had someone visit with me, and also I stayed in a hotel. I don't know what your plans are when you visit in the summer. It could be an added expense to stay in a hotel or Airbnb but worth the cost to have a space to yourself.

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and I'll say a prayer for your family.  That sort of news is so hard to process.

Have you reached out to your dad at all yet?  Family drama aside, if you want to do that then you should absolutely do it.  Times like this have a way of showing family what really matters in life, and it's rarely keeping decade-old disputes alive.  No matter who said what or who's mad at who, this is a time to forgive, let go, and come together for dad's sake.

[Notwendy]

No matter who said what or who's mad at who, this is a time to forgive, let go, and come together for dad's sake.

I agree with this in theory, and I did just that. However, when a family is disordered, and isn't pulled together even in good times, they may not be able to do this in stressful times.

Having a "normal" family was a wish since childhood, but good intentions were not enough to make it so. I had put the past behind me but BPD mother's behaviors were in the present.

I agree that times of family stress are not the time to bring up past grievances or try to get them to fix things that happened. Also be aware of the possibility of unexpected behaviors on the part of disordered family members when you reconnect, and make plans to protect your own emotional well being.