Recently found out my Wife most likely has BPD

[Shameus]

We are coming up on our 5th wedding anniversary and we share a 3 year old son.  She is a License Marriage and Family Therapist, which makes things much more difficult.  We worked together at a residential therapy center for mostly borderline personality disorder teenagers.  It has only recently been made clear to me after talking to my psychiatrist who has a strong background in BDP that my wife has it.  At this moment she is in a DBT group as well as DBT solo treatment, but hasn’t told me what her diagnosis is.  I am afraid to ask as well as not believe she will tell the truth.  A few months ago she had a breakdown and was sent to the Emergency Department then an inpatient facility and was shortly released as not longer a danger to her self.  She said she looked up a way to kill herself which was detailed.  Her family was helpful in taking her to the emergency room, but she was not truthful to the staff and I had to step in to speak with the medical staff.  This incident has been a catalyst that this isn’t a PMDD, ADHD, Interstitial Cystitis, Diet and the list goes on.  I am a person with low self esteem, learning disability and I guess recently realizing growing up role of peacemaker.  She is primary income and I am the primary care giver who for the past few months was able to find work that allowed me to still take care of our son.  This still comes with heavy ridicule from my wife, because I have new self worth and higher self esteem.  I deal with a lot of changing of goal posts and being trapped to take care of our son, because she makes up an excuse not to.  I do worry that she will lash out on our son if I were not there.  I have recently held a boundary and when she became verbally abusive and not respecting my boundary, I took a 30 minute walk, because she blocked the driveway physically for me to leave with my car.  This is the first time I did this and it felt good.  I was scared that it would escalate more or that she might harm our son.  When I came back she was calm, but blamed it on her taking adderall, which one she is supposed to tell me and second I am not sure I believe her that she did.  Our son was safe and being taken care of.  That night I was exhausted, but had one of the most sound sleeps that I hadn’t had in a long time.  I meet with my therapist tomorrow and how to further deal with her disease, but I am afraid it might not be able to be sustained and I am heart broken because I would of liked to have had more children.  Being a dad has been one of those moments when I knew I was great at something.  I am having a difficult time as I read that a lot of you are.  All the best.

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[Pook075]

Hi Shameus and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it's always extra heartbreaking when a young child is involved.  Hopefully you find the tools and resources to work through this together.

My ex wife and my oldest daughter both have BPD, and they're both in the healthcare fields helping others with long-term sickness or disabilities. I don't think that's a coincidence that people who struggle mentally want to help others who struggle as well.  In fact, in some ways I think it becomes a core of their identity because it's a healthy outlet to make up for their own struggles.

What parts of the relationship are you currently struggling with the most?  How can we help you prepare for the months ahead?

[Shameus]

Right now I am burnt out and right now just ignoring her behavior.  I do worry about her moods on our son.  She also is constantly thinking he is sick and leads him on that he is.  If you don’t mind me asking what was your breaking point for divorce and do you think your wife had any impact on your daughter?  When she was hospitalized, I was able to talk to her psychiatrist, because she signed a release.  I want to call and ask him what her diagnosis is out of concern for her recent spiraling and safety of our son, but I am afraid to if that will be a catalyst if he has to report to her that I reached out.  Any input is appreciated. 

[Pook075]

Right now I am burnt out and right now just ignoring her behavior.  I do worry about her moods on our son.  She also is constantly thinking he is sick and leads him on that he is.  If you don’t mind me asking what was your breaking point for divorce and do you think your wife had any impact on your daughter?  When she was hospitalized, I was able to talk to her psychiatrist, because she signed a release.  I want to call and ask him what her diagnosis is out of concern for her recent spiraling and safety of our son, but I am afraid to if that will be a catalyst if he has to report to her that I reached out.  Any input is appreciated. 

Hi Shameus.  Are you in the United States?  As far as I know, either you're listed on her chart as being able to receive medical updates for her or you're not.  If you are, then they can release information to you.  However, just because she was treated doesn't mean she received a formal diagnosis.  Hospitals and psych facilities treat symptoms regardless of what's charted and try to find a mixture of medication and treatment that would benefit the patient the most.

In my case, my wife left for another man...although she never admitted it to anyone but me and our daughter.  She told everyone else that I was abusive and she was fleeing for her safety.  I tried to reconcile for almost a year but eventually faced the obvious- it was better to let her go. 

My wife did have some impacts on our daughter later in life, but I don't think that's the reason my kid has BPD.  I would guess that's genetics more than anything.  She was a good mom though and did whatever she could for our two kids.

Have you spoken to your wife directly about a diagnosis (it's probably better not to)?  In the original post, it sounds like you're getting a handle on things and learning to enforce boundaries when things aren't okay.  Any progress there?

[ForeverDad]

Many here, probably most here, never learned of a diagnosis.  A diagnosis might be helpful but we have to arrive at our own conclusions, more or less.

Many here went through separations and divorce and a surprising discovery was that those agencies involved had little interest in determining what the mental health issues were that caused the failure of the relationship.  (In fact, my family court studiously avoided the issues of any mental health issues.  It assumed every couple before the magistrate were just bickering or whatever.)

Apparently court and the associated agencies don't try to "fix" either spouse.  (The old story, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.)  They follow their laws, case law, policies and procedures.  More or less, the documentation and evidence.  What we've done is follow the court's pattern... We document and gather the evidence necessary to be the best persons and parents we can be.

Considering your spouse's dysfunctional perceptions and mindset, you should be relieved your spouse is letting you - as the reasonably normal parent - take the lead in parenting.  The reality is you can't force or coerce a person to be a good parent.  She may have a comfort zone for how much she is able to parent.  After all, you have concerns about her parenting already within just a few years.  Probably it's best you work with that insight.

[Shameus]

Thank you both for sharing and your insight.  Yesterday it actually came to a head.  Because I was holding boundaries and avoiding getting into arguments that aren’t meant to be arguments in my opinion. I shared with her that I was proud with her doing DBT and know it is hard, because I know what the diagnosis' it treats, which lead to her asking what I thought she had and I said BPD and who I have talked to about it and shared I had with my sisters and mother.  She felt betrayed and her “reputation tarnished,” because of how stigmatizing the diagnosis is.  We had an impromptu talk this morning which I kept calm and she kept civil, but could see the shifts of anger, guilt, sadness, placing blame somewhere else.  I reaffirmed that she has been making progress and I myself am still working on myself to build up my self esteem and not to be afraid of her and walk on eggshells.  She does go into the black and white thinking that the relationship with my family is broken and can’t be fixed with my family so our relationship is over.  I did persist to her chagrin that things can be fixed and that why cant we just look at this in the gray as a hard time in our marriage.  I have put in hope with her actually seeking the treatment she needs.  I do feel that I can’t trust her at this time and have made some preparations for the worst.  I also know it will get worse before it gets better with me holding boundaries and not feeding into her unhealthy behavior.  For anyone out there did they see any positives with a spouse going to DBT?

[ForeverDad]

DBT is a good thing.  Too often a person with Borderline traits has too much Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting to start therapy sessions.  It is even harder for them to continue them.  And it is important that they do more than attend, diligently applying the skills and insights into their lives, thinking and perceptions is crucial.  It take time to see progress.  Therapy often takes years, for many it is a life-long journey.

If you would have asked first, we would have replied that it is generally not helpful to share a diagnostic label as a reason for therapy.  As you discovered, it often triggers overreactions.  But what's done is done.  Perhaps you could minimize what got said but I don't know if that would help or not.

I had been married for over 15 years but if my ex would have started therapy, I would have been willing to start therapy with her too, though it would have had to have been individual and not joint therapy.  But she refused the concept of therapy, as far as I know, to this day.

[Pook075]

I do feel that I can’t trust her at this time and have made some preparations for the worst.  I also know it will get worse before it gets better with me holding boundaries and not feeding into her unhealthy behavior.  For anyone out there did they see any positives with a spouse going to DBT?

With my BPD ex, she never saw a problem in herself so it never got that far.  With my BPD daughter, however, it made a major difference once she was committed to bettering herself and actually growing from those experiences.  It was so much hard work on her part to face reality, but once her mindset started to shift so did our relationship.

And with my BPD ex, although we didn't reconcile, I used what I learned on this site to dramatically improve our relationship.  I made it known that I love her and support her, and that we have to be bigger than what happened because we are parents.  Even though our kids are grown, we still have to be adults and work together to do what's best for the kids in every situation. 

That shifted my ex's mindset and mine as well.  I could blame her for doing some horrible things, or I could let it go and put our relationship first.  That's what actually matters and it moved us away from the common bickering about dumb things.  Why?  Because my ex realized that I truly have her back and I'll stand for her no matter what.

That's the whole sickness of BPD, fracturing relationships and seeing no way back from it.  So while she couldn't do it, I realized that I actually could- I could forgive her and let go of the past.  I could stop judging her and just love her.  And in my case, that's not romantic love...but what you'd do for a sibling or close friend.  You show up when it matters with kindness and compassion, that's about 90% of the battle.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I think it's great that your wife is getting DBT.  I know there's a stigma with BPD, but I also think there doesn't necessarily have to be.  The way I see it, BPD is a collection of thoughts and coping mechanisms that are human to the core--moodiness, impulsivity, anger, feelings of emptiness and hopelessness, thoughts of suicide, negative thinking, avoidance, anxiety, some paranoia, potential substance abuse.  I think most people experience intense emotions from time to time, especially under stress.  In my opinion, it's just that with BPD, emotions run on the extreme end of the spectrum, and are felt with such frequency and intensity that they act out on the feelings, which adversely affects their life and relationships.  It's as if they have a hair-trigger, trauma-like, fight-or-flight response, much of the time.  With BPD, when emotions are running high, the logical part of the brain is completely hijacked, and the consequences of acting out won't be considered.  Emotional responses seem to be "desperate"--dire, urgent, hopeless, rash, furious, impulsive, extreme.  Hence the potential for dysfunction in daily life, and possibly the realization that they need to get some professional help to address it.

The way I see it, DBT doesn't necessarily have to be framed as a treatment for BPD.  It could be framed as learning skills to help cope with traumas.  That's shorthand for dealing with intense emotions, tolerating distress, overcoming traumatic experiences, improving interpersonal relationships and moving forward.  My opinion is that almost everyone could benefit by learning these sort of skills.  After all, emotional control is not taught in school, and typically not taught at home, either.  It so happens that the pwBPD in my life embraced the notion of getting extra help to overcome past traumas with DBT.  You see, it validated her notion that she was traumatized by life, and it was consistent with her general victim perspective. 

Anyway, if your spouse is embracing DBT, that's great news in my opinion.  It could mean she recognizes there's some dysfunction in her life, and she's taking active steps to address that.  That's all very positive.  Now, it's true that pwBPD tend to see things in a negative light, and they feel intense shame.  That's probably why having a BPD "label" could be extremely upsetting.  That could be why some doctors are reluctant to diagnose BPD in the first place.  I suspect that most patients don't like receiving the diagnosis, either.

Anyway, DBT is the gold standard for treating BPD.  Even better, BPD is treatable with therapy, provided that the patient is committed to making some positive changes.  By the way, the pwBPD in my life really turned her life around with therapy.  Though she still struggles and hasn't repaired some relationships yet, my guess is that she probably wouldn't strictly qualify for a BPD diagnosis anymore.  My guess is that she's in "remission."  Sure, she still has intense feelings, but her coping skills look healthier today in my opinion, and her life looks much less dysfunctional.