Has anyone gotten to the other side of alienation and high-conflict co-parenting

[Bara]

I’m in the middle of a very painful high-conflict co-parenting situation with my child’s mother, who shows a lot of BPD-type patterns. I’m not looking to diagnose her or turn this into a venting thread, but I am struggling with the emotional reality of watching my child get pulled into adult conflict.

There has been a pattern of instability, blame-shifting, control, accusations, schedule interference, and attempts to frame me as unsafe or harmful. Lately it feels like my child is being put in the middle more directly. I’m seeing signs of fear, obligation, and guilt being created around loving me, spending time with me, or having a normal relationship with me and the people in my life.

I’m doing my best to stay calm, document everything, communicate through appropriate channels, and keep my home emotionally safe and consistent. I don’t speak negatively about his mother to him. I try to validate his feelings without putting adult issues on him. But honestly, it is incredibly painful and scary to feel like the other parent is actively trying to damage the bond.

I’m also moving through the court process now, and I’m wondering if anyone here has actually gotten to the other side of this.

For those who dealt with alienation or a BPD/high-conflict co-parent:

Did court help create stability?
Did having orders, structured custody, parenting apps, reunification therapy, custody evaluations, parenting coordinators, or other safeguards actually make a difference?
How did your child eventually come through the FOG?
Were they able to see reality over time without you having to “prove” everything to them?
How did you maintain your bond when the other parent was working against it?
What helped your child feel safe loving both parents, even if the other parent made that hard?

I know every situation is different, and I’m not looking for legal advice. I’m really looking for stories from people who have been through this and made it to a more stable place.

Right now I’m trying to hold onto hope that if I stay consistent, loving, calm, and present, my child will eventually be able to feel the truth of our relationship despite the conflict around him.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been there.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I think you're asking many of the right questions here.  Though I haven't been in your situation, someone very close to me has, and I understand how trying and painful it can be.  Here are some ideas for you.

"I’m doing my best to stay calm, document everything, communicate through appropriate channels, and keep my home emotionally safe and consistent. I don’t speak negatively about his mother to him. I try to validate his feelings without putting adult issues on him."

Yes, yes, yes.  I think a consistently loving, stable and caring environment is critical for your child.  Not speaking negatively about the other parent is also important.  Even if the other parent is disordered, your kid probably still wants to love her, and be loved by her.  You don't want to get in the way of that.  You want your kid to be a kid, and not be concerned about adult issues, let alone acrimony and fighting.

"I’m also moving through the court process now, and I’m wondering if anyone here has actually gotten to the other side of this."

Yes, but it took a few years and came at a high legal cost, because the disordered parent was uncooperative, lied to the court and was also able to "pull themselves together" when interviewed by CPS.

"Did court help create stability?"

Yes, eventually, because visitation time with the disordered parent was reduced and subject to conditions (e.g. supervised visits only, no driving the kids), because the disordered parent was severely dysfunctional, even though he tried to hide it from CPS.  Before the divorce, his ex over-functioned for him, but without that support, he spiralled.

"Did having orders, structured custody, parenting apps, reunification therapy, custody evaluations, parenting coordinators, or other safeguards actually make a difference?"

Yes, eventually.  The parenting apps help with legal documentation (keeping a record of visitation dates, child events, medical care, etc.).  In theory, communication about childcare was supposed to happen over the apps and be limited to logistics only.  In practice, however, the disordered parent didn't comply--he did not input any information and generally did not consult the app for logistical details.  Instead, he tended to communicate directly with his ex, usually via nasty texts, and he'd miss child events on a regular basis.  This was hard on the kids because when they were with dad, they typically missed out on their soccer practices, cub scout outings or other events important to them, because dad couldn't/wouldn't execute.  Note that dad was unemployed and didn't have anything else to do on visitation days, yet despite his free time, he just couldn't execute on visitation very well.  He probably skipped a third to half of visitation with no notice.  Imagine how that made the kids feel.

CPS was involved during two separate cycles to evaluate custody, and ultimately recommended restrictions on custody time for the disordered parent.  I think courts are unlikely to rule against the recommendations of a CPS expert who did the work and wrote up a detailed report.  Since the court ruled that parenting time with the disordered parent must be supervised (e.g. by Grandma), the children are much better cared for these days.

"How did your child eventually come through the FOG?"

Today, the two girls are sick of their dad; they barely tolerate him.  The son (same sex as the disordered parent) is very conflicted.  He wants to love his dad, but he has a hard time accepting that his dad is so low functioning and mean most of the time.

"Were they able to see reality over time without you having to “prove” everything to them?"

Absolutely, though it's really hard on them because they want to love and be loved by their dad.

"How did you maintain your bond when the other parent was working against it?"

Just like you're doing, through a loving, stable home.  Also, healthy rules are in place (e.g. bedtimes, homework, age-appropriate chores, meals shared together as a family, responsibility for keeping rooms tidy, limits on screen time, one-on-one time, etc.), because kids need a healthy structure, routine and connection, ESPECIALLY when life with the disordered parent is the opposite.

It's true that after any visitation with disordered dad, the kids tend to be out-of-sorts for a day or two.  It's partly because of the rupture with normal routines, but also because of big emotions in dealing with dad (e.g. criticisms, insults, general disappointment, lots of stress).  But I think after a brief re-adjustment period, the kids get back to normal.

"What helped your child feel safe loving both parents, even if the other parent made that hard?"

This is a tough one, because the disordered dad is very mean and selfish.  Mom explains to the kids that deep down dad loves them, but he's just not feeling well right now, and since he's not well, he can't show them how much he loves them.

***

I'll wrap up with another piece of advice.  If your ex is disordered, dysfunctional and unreliable, any custody arrangement and divorce decree should assume non-compliance on her part.  In other words, wherever possible, there should be a plan of action if and when your ex doesn't comply.  Here's an example:  in a "normal" co-parenting arrangement based on fairness, kids might be dropped off/picked up at a neutral location halfway between residences.  That sounds fair and reasonable, right?  But it might not be if one parent is disordered and unreliable.  In practice, that looks like driving to a parking lot and then waiting 30, 45 minutes, wondering if the disordered parent is going to come pick up the kids.  Turning around after waiting 45 minutes might look like "interfering with parenting time."  Meanwhile, the kids are starving, increasingly grumpy and let down when the disordered parent is terribly late or a no-show.  I think "fairness" needs to take the child's needs and parental non-performance into consideration.  A "fairer" arrangement for the child might be, the disordered parent picks up the kids at your home, and if they are 15 or more minutes late, they forfeit the parenting time.  Or maybe, the disordered parent picks up the child after school, but if she's a no-show, the child takes the bus home to you as usual, and the parenting time is forfeited.  In other words, you need to factor in non-compliance contingencies.

Hope that helps a little.

[Pook075]

I have personally been through this as well, and I watched my brother-in-law do it completely wrong with his divorce years earlier.  In his situation, the kids were used against him in every possible way to harm him.  The disordered parent would change custody arrangements without warning, they would bad mouth dad to the kids, they'd send the kids with rags as clothing and scream if they didn't come back with nice outfits- the list of psychological warfare was endless.

Each time, my brother went back to court, all kinds of terrible things were said about him, and somehow there was so much back and forth, the judge would discredit most of it.  My brother had documentation, mind you, while his ex didn't since she was making it all up.  And each of these trips to court would cost thousands of dollars.  Eventually, my brother-in-law stopped fighting to see his kids and missed out on their teenage years when his ex finally convinced the kids how toxic and terrible he was.

So when I went to divorce my BPD ex several years ago, I decided that there was no way I was going to do that.  I was respectful for my ex and told her every time we talked, that we couldn't be like her brother and we always had to put the kids needs above our differences.  Even if we divorce, even if we re-marry, we absolutely have to continue being mom and dad as one cohesive unit.  And eventually, over time, my ex completely agreed...we had to find peace between us so we could still be parents.

Mind you, I wasn't creating the chaos- she left me for another man.  She lied to everyone about me and caused countless chaos.  But because of the kids, I was determined to let all of that go and make the kids our priority.  It was definitely hard and it took endless amounts of patience for awhile, but I'm so thankful for it.  My ex and I can talk about anything today and we look out for each other while looking out for the kids.

It might sound dumb- you're getting a divorce to get away from all that stuff.  I get it.  But as parents, she will be in your life regardless and you can be like my brother-in-law (which is what most of the world does) spending $5-15k a year in lawyers for court hearings or you can take a different path. 

I would advise that different path, finding common ground is always the best answer if it's possible.  And today, it may not be possible- that's okay.  There will be a time when that is possible though and I hope you'll at least consider it.

I spent around $250 on divorce by filing it myself, zero in court fees, zero in custody arrangements, zero in alimony.  We split our assets 50/50 and because she trusted me completely by then, I handled everything on our behalf.  The judge warned her in court, she should really, really have legal counsel before waiving her rights, but we were okay by that point because I made it my life's mission to make us okay for the kid's sake. 

So that one small shift in thinking changed everything- she can't be the enemy and the mother of my kids if I want the next few decades to be peaceful.  I had to choose just like you have to choose.  And I 100% made the right choice.

[ForeverDad]

Pook's cooperation with his ex is not the typical story here.  But, as he wrote, finding common ground is always the best answer... if it's possible.  You won't know if it's possible until you try.

In my case, my seeking to have a child after a decade of marriage - in an effort the make my ex less troubled - backfired.  Looking back, having a child triggered her childhood FOO issues and made it worse.  As a husband life was slowly getting worse, but as a father I was compared to her family abuser.

I was always the considerate one but it seemed to just egg on more allegations.  We were in and out of court for 8 years until the court order (its version of a Boundary) was fully reversed.  She started with (the default for mothers) temp custody and temp majority time.  It ended with me having full custody and majority parenting time (during the school year).

My main regret about our time in court is how slowly the court addressed the obvious conflict and disparagement.  Eight years?  I've come to realize court prefer waiting on the parents to reach a consensus rather than the court stepping and making the Decisions.  Though I know many here had even tougher trials and tribulations.