I told my wife I don’t like her

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have learned a lot of great skills on this site and with BPD resources, and have become so much more patient it with my uBPDw recently…just trying to brush off her BPD stuff and not fall into traps. It has largely worked in keeping conflict to a low simmer when it happens.  However this weekend she has been mad at me for whatever reason…tension thick. She said so many mean things me the last few days. I just brushed it off and quietly stewed.  Tonight she just flipped at me and started to really jab at me and my dreams and aspirations.  Basically saying my dreams are stupid, I’ll never accomplish them, etc….   She rarely every reciprocates anything of the love, charity, gifts, service, support , etc I show her. I’m always supporting and loving her and saying her dreams are great and we can do it, writing notes, making her laugh, physical affections, etc yall know the drill. I get nothing in return.

It feels like I’m the care taker or a 12 year old foster child who doesn’t even like me, just needs me and takes from me.  Honesty, he’s so depressing. A man has his limits. 

So tonight she just said something in such a sinister voice and I raised my voice and “shut up, I don’t like you. She starts crying)…don’t you start crying…You make me miserable. I pour my life into serving and loving you and never get anything in return…just constantly treated like garage and my dreams mockedd….constant kick in the balls. I feel like the caretaker of a 12 year old girl when you are upset, which is about half the time. If you calculate how much time we have spent in this state (triggered, arguing, splitting) …it’s half hour marriage . Think about how much time we waste of our lives.  You have a problem and you won’t admit it. This is not norma.

I didn’t say I don’t love her. Because I do, I swore before the Lord I’d love her. I love her dearly . But I don’t know if I really like her right now.  I really try not to say things that are not true.  Of course while I do feel sense of relief to be able to say all of that…as a Christian man I wish I hadn’t.  I also know it doesn’t help a BPD person. Just makes it worse.  But I feel like I’m going to crack. I’m at the edge. I’m not allowed to feel stressed or upset or tired in this marriage…only her. She had proven that. 

[Traveler80]

I have learned a lot of great skills on this site and with BPD resources, and have become so much more patient it with my uBPDw recently…just trying to brush off her BPD stuff and not fall into traps. It has largely worked in keeping conflict to a low simmer when it happens.  However this weekend she has been mad at me for whatever reason…tension thick. She said so many mean things me the last few days. I just brushed it off and quietly stewed.  Tonight she just flipped at me and started to really jab at me and my dreams and aspirations.  Basically saying my dreams are stupid, I’ll never accomplish them, etc….   She rarely every reciprocates anything of the love, charity, gifts, service, support , etc I show her. I’m always supporting and loving her and saying her dreams are great and we can do it, writing notes, making her laugh, physical affections, etc yall know the drill. I get nothing in return.

It feels like I’m the care taker or a 12 year old foster child who doesn’t even like me, just needs me and takes from me.  Honesty, he’s so depressing. A man has his limits. 

So tonight she just said something in such a sinister voice and I raised my voice and “shut up, I don’t like you. She starts crying)…don’t you start crying…You make me miserable. I pour my life into serving and loving you and never get anything in return…just constantly treated like garage and my dreams mockedd….constant kick in the balls. I feel like the caretaker of a 12 year old girl when you are upset, which is about half the time. If you calculate how much time we have spent in this state (triggered, arguing, splitting) …it’s half hour marriage . Think about how much time we waste of our lives.  You have a problem and you won’t admit it. This is not norma.

I didn’t say I don’t love her. Because I do, I swore before the Lord I’d love her. I love her dearly . But I don’t know if I really like her right now.  I really try not to say things that are not true.  Of course while I do feel sense of relief to be able to say all of that…as a Christian man I wish I hadn’t.  I also know it doesn’t help a BPD person. Just makes it worse.  But I feel like I’m going to crack. I’m at the edge. I’m not allowed to feel stressed or upset or tired in this marriage…only her. She had proven that. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so happy you found us and decided to post.

As a Christian man I've said many things that I deeply regret.  That's why God sent his son, because we couldn't get it right all the time.  So give yourself some grace and move forward.

While I always hated when I "snapped" and said things like that too, it wasn't always doom and gloom afterwards.  Sometimes, things would change for a little while- maybe weeks or even months.  And in those moments, things would actually be better.  The negativity would basically stop and the conflicts would end.  My ex would be more productive around the house and dialed into our actual lives.

In time, things would revert back to how they were.  Keeping up with her things would stop, she'd stop getting groceries and doing things with the kids as much, and she'd spend a lot more time away from home.  When she was down, we were no longer the priority and we were no longer her allies.  So her attention went anywhere but the home.

Looking back, maybe it was my fault for letting that cycle continue.  I didn't know about BPD so it's not like I could have prepared better.  I see now though that the patterns would change as my wife's mood changed, as she started sinking into depression and hiding it from the world.  I had no idea this was happening but if I did, maybe we could have had a different result and those good weeks or months could have turned into good years.  I really don't know.

What can you do?  Get back up on that horse and start riding again.  I didn't like my ex wife at times either, but I did always love her (including today).  We also had a BPD daughter and I really, really didn't like her at times.  I've always loved her as well though and that will never change.

You messed up because you're human.  Make the most of it and grow from this experience.  It could actually be helpful, you never know, so don't look at this as a negative for saying what you actually felt.  The secret is out and there's no taking it back.  That's okay.  Grow from it.

[Under The Bridge]

You're only human and a BPD relationship is the most mentally draining of all relationships because there's simply no logic to the BPD partner's actions.. no wonder we snap sometimes.

Like Pook I sometimes found that really letting go and venting at my exbPD did actually have some effect at curbing her outbursts.. but they always came back after a while.  I remember one time writing to her and saying 'You don't deserve any boyfriend, let alone me so stay away from me'.

I intended it as an end but surprisingly, this actually made her come and see me and try to explain but it was probably mostly motivated by her desire not to be alone rather than any genuine remorse.

Try and focus more on yourself - you deserve happiness and calm. What she does is out of your control, no matter how well you treat her so don't be hard on yourself.