A Fresh Start from Old Arguments

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi friends.  I was recently talking to a friend about BPD cycles and how the same arguments seem to come up over and over again.  For example, the BPD may accuse infidelity or withholding money or a million other things.  What's the best way that you've found to move past these conversations?

As most of you know, I have a BPD ex-wife and a BPD daughter, plus many potential BPD in-laws on my ex-wife's side. My ex was notorious for saying something like, "I busted my ass around the house all day long, yet you always say I don't do anything!" 

The problem was, I worked from home and I'd see her start a load of laundry then lay in bed the entire day scrolling on her phone.  Maybe she emptied the dishwasher or did a few light chores, but she did very little on a consistent basis.  And if I mentioned anything like, "Could you help me clean up the kitchen?" or even "What did you work on today?"  I'd get the explosive response how she's busted her ass and I'm never appreciative.

I never could solve this while we were married, but a year or so later when she'd make those types of statements, I'd counter with something like, "I love you and I'm sorry that I couldn't do better.  I always tried my best to take care of you."

And my ex would be speechless, what could she say?  That I should have always been perfect no matter what?  That's crazy even in her mind.

I tried doing that with my daughter as well, and if she was highly disordered it wouldn't land well.  But after several months, things began to change there as well because even when she was splitting, she'd realize that I wasn't her mortal enemy anymore and I genuinely loved her and wanted to help.  So slowly but surely, what would have been a 2-hour screaming sessions lasted only a few minutes, because my words disarmed her.  I showed love, I showed patience, I showed empathy and sympathy.

And when all of those failed, I'd just tell her that I refused to argue and I was walking away.

Over time, their anger and frustration towards me faded because I was doing two things absolutely right- I wouldn't argue or be negative, and I always told them I loved them and was there for them when they were at their worst.  Eventually they both believed it and accepted it- I was no longer painted black.

Now, that doesn't mean I got the storybook ending, because there's times when my BPD daughter will call me up just to rant and accuse me of things I have nothing to do with.  And I'll listen as long as I can stand to listen, then politely say, "I love you and I'm here for you.  Why are you really so upset right now- what happened?"  Sometimes it works, sometimes I get cussed out.  But I either hang in there for a bit longer or I end the conversation.

Meanwhile, my ex wife has actually painted me white in most situations.  If someone talks badly about me, she's going to defend me and give them a taste of her wrath.  We're not close anymore but when we talk, it's like we're old friends catching up.  So that's really great since we're parents and have to communicate.

I'm curious what others have done in these situations and what's worked for you.

[Pook075]

Hi friends.  I was recently talking to a friend about BPD cycles and how the same arguments seem to come up over and over again.  For example, the BPD may accuse infidelity or withholding money or a million other things.  What's the best way that you've found to move past these conversations?

As most of you know, I have a BPD ex-wife and a BPD daughter, plus many potential BPD in-laws on my ex-wife's side. My ex was notorious for saying something like, "I busted my ass around the house all day long, yet you always say I don't do anything!" 

The problem was, I worked from home and I'd see her start a load of laundry then lay in bed the entire day scrolling on her phone.  Maybe she emptied the dishwasher or did a few light chores, but she did very little on a consistent basis.  And if I mentioned anything like, "Could you help me clean up the kitchen?" or even "What did you work on today?"  I'd get the explosive response how she's busted her ass and I'm never appreciative.

I never could solve this while we were married, but a year or so later when she'd make those types of statements, I'd counter with something like, "I love you and I'm sorry that I couldn't do better.  I always tried my best to take care of you."

And my ex would be speechless, what could she say?  That I should have always been perfect no matter what?  That's crazy even in her mind.

I tried doing that with my daughter as well, and if she was highly disordered it wouldn't land well.  But after several months, things began to change there as well because even when she was splitting, she'd realize that I wasn't her mortal enemy anymore and I genuinely loved her and wanted to help.  So slowly but surely, what would have been a 2-hour screaming sessions lasted only a few minutes, because my words disarmed her.  I showed love, I showed patience, I showed empathy and sympathy.

And when all of those failed, I'd just tell her that I refused to argue and I was walking away.

Over time, their anger and frustration towards me faded because I was doing two things absolutely right- I wouldn't argue or be negative, and I always told them I loved them and was there for them when they were at their worst.  Eventually they both believed it and accepted it- I was no longer painted black.

Now, that doesn't mean I got the storybook ending, because there's times when my BPD daughter will call me up just to rant and accuse me of things I have nothing to do with.  And I'll listen as long as I can stand to listen, then politely say, "I love you and I'm here for you.  Why are you really so upset right now- what happened?"  Sometimes it works, sometimes I get cussed out.  But I either hang in there for a bit longer or I end the conversation.

Meanwhile, my ex wife has actually painted me white in most situations.  If someone talks badly about me, she's going to defend me and give them a taste of her wrath.  We're not close anymore but when we talk, it's like we're old friends catching up.  So that's really great since we're parents and have to communicate.

I'm curious what others have done in these situations and what's worked for you.

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[Anonymous22]

Hi Pook, my uBPDh and I go around and around in the same cycles about the same topics, he accuses me of cheating and that I don't treat our kids equally.  We used to go around and around about money, until I refused to combine finances and essentially accepted that I will need to pay for everything and just document, document, document in case it is needed in the future.

Currently, my uBPDh is dead set that I am cheating on him.  Despite the fact that he has access to the cameras at all entrances of the house and has cameras inside the house (which I did have access to them when he first set them up, but he stole my phone during a DV incident and I don't have access on my new phone and he refuses to send me another invite for access).  He has accused me of this for most of our relationship, though I have been nothing but faithful to him.  To him, I am sleeping with every person whom I come in contact with...our kids obviously only have friends because I am sleeping with the dads, our kids only make sports teams because obviously I am sleeping with the coaches, somehow whoever I am "sleeping with all day" while I am at work pays all 3 of the hospitals that I work for so that the hospitals in turn can pay me a salary from their accounts, etc.  His accusations are crazy making and so obviously not true, but how do I deal with this?  In the distant past, I would fight back and need to prove that I was right and did everything including taking a polygraph test...which obviously instead of doing the polygraph while I was in the room, I was sleeping with the man who ran the test! AHHHH...More recently, I have just told him that I will not discuss things that are not true and will end the conversation, text or walk away.  But...now he has brought it on to our 2 younger kids, because I walk away and they can't, and traps them in the car and questions them about "who is sleeping in mom's bed with her" and "who is mom dating".  Its at the point where my kids want nothing to do with their dad when he is like this.  My S8 told the school therapist that he didn't like going to dads house and that he was afraid and didn't feel safe there, which got translated to the police that they needed to come to my house as my son is afraid to be at my house and when my son told them no, its that he doesn't want to go to dad's the police officer said "Ok, I will let the school know its that you are closer to mom and just don't want to, its not a real safety issue"!  Another AHHHHH....I will be clear on this, I don't believe that there is any physical danger to my kids, I would be the first to report this and take my kids and run, but there is a psychological risk and the police don't care about that!  My uBPDh is in court mandated DV therapy as well as DBT therapy.  At the start of this whole thing, he mentioned to me that he knows that he gets in really bad moods sometimes and has a very hard time coming out of them and will need to be in therapy for a long time (years...his words), but I remind him of this and I get told that I am being hurtful to him!  I have access to the victim's advocate at the DV therapy office.  Part of me wants to ask for family therapy through them, but I don't know if that will be helpful or hurtful!  Honestly, I am stuck right now!  Like everyone else here, we go in cycles.  I have worked really hard to set up boundaries and have held strong, which has helped us tremendously, but for the last 2 weeks he has come barreling through our entire house and I don't know what to do!       

[Pook075]

To him, I am sleeping with every person whom I come in contact with...our kids obviously only have friends because I am sleeping with the dads, our kids only make sports teams because obviously I am sleeping with the coaches, somehow whoever I am "sleeping with all day" while I am at work pays all 3 of the hospitals that I work for so that the hospitals in turn can pay me a salary from their accounts, etc.  His accusations are crazy making and so obviously not true, but how do I deal with this?  In the distant past, I would fight back and need to prove that I was right and did everything including taking a polygraph test...which obviously instead of doing the polygraph while I was in the room, I was sleeping with the man who ran the test! AHHHH...More recently, I have just told him that I will not discuss things that are not true and will end the conversation, text or walk away. 

This is such a tough conversation because it's not only about you, but the kids too.

You told him that you wouldn't discuss this anymore, which is a hard boundary.  That's a good thing, but we also know that a new boundary is going to be challenged.  Keep doing what you're doing, reassure him that you're remaining faithful, but refuse to go into more detail.

Have you tried spinning it back around on him.  Like asking, "Why do you think I'm cheating on you?  When would I even have the time for that?"  Make him be accountable instead of just defending or retreating.  Conversations like this can be productive, while arguments cannot.  If he's in an even mood and wants to talk about it, then talk about it in a reassuring way.  Let him know that you're committed to him and taking care of the kids.

But...now he has brought it on to our 2 younger kids, because I walk away and they can't, and traps them in the car and questions them about "who is sleeping in mom's bed with her" and "who is mom dating".  Its at the point where my kids want nothing to do with their dad when he is like this. 

This is so incredibly hard and it can't continue.  I would consider contacting the DV office and reporting it if he won't back off the kids immediately.  This is dangerous behavior and like you said, the kids can't fight back.  So this definitely needs a stronger boundary for their protection.  If he can't back off this type of talk, he doesn't need to be around the kids at all until he's more balanced and stable.

[Horselover]

Hi Pook 075,

That is so amazing that you figured out a way of talking that is really effective in keeping most conversations calm between you and your ex-wife and daughter. Kudos to you!! I am curious though - how do you think this would play out if you were still living with both of them and the pressure/expectation was naturally much higher? I guess it's impossible to really know since this isn't the current reality, but what is your guess?

[Pook075]

Hi Pook 075,

That is so amazing that you figured out a way of talking that is really effective in keeping most conversations calm between you and your ex-wife and daughter. Kudos to you!! I am curious though - how do you think this would play out if you were still living with both of them and the pressure/expectation was naturally much higher? I guess it's impossible to really know since this isn't the current reality, but what is your guess?

Honestly, I don't know.  I've taken several short trips with my BPD daughter and we got along well the entire time.  But that's also sort of deceptive because my kid was always happy on vacations and getting away (my ex was as well).  It's like traveling lets them get out of their own reality for a little bit and just exist.

I will say, however, that our relationships have fundamentally changed because I'm not the enemy.  I never was, of course, but they used to perceive me that way when they were disordered.  So by not fighting back, by learning to be patient and supportive, what used to ruin the week now might ruin a minute or two. 

Even when my kid completely loses it and has a full-blown meltdown towards me, she's messaging later that day or maybe the next day, acting like it didn't even happen.  Of course, I know it happened and I also know that I'm probably not going to get an apology.  She knows it too but can't admit it, so she'll usually try to do something nice for me instead.  Again, it's a fundamental change in the relationship and that changes everything else involved.  I almost never see my kid at her worst anymore and if I do, it's because she's so far gone that she needs immediate medical/psychiatric intervention.

I've thought about this so much when I first found this site and really researching BPD because when our relatives, spouses, whatever are treating us badly, we often notice that they're still kind to the neighbors, their co-workers, other family members, etc.  We know that they can become toxic to the people they're closest to because they feel like those people have turned on them.  So I figured, okay, we need to change the narrative...how do I actually show that I'm not the enemy here?

Boundaries are important on our end to protect our own mental/physical health when things are too much.  That's sort of like putting on football gear to protect you from hard hits in a football game.  It definitely helps, sure, but the real goal is not to get hit in the first place.  I think we can get so focused on boundaries that we forget the other side of the equation- how do we just stop fighting and get back to a place of laughing and having fun.

I've done that two or three times now successfully (my ex wife's brother was the third) and it certainly wasn't easy.  It is worth the fight though to just say (and keep saying) "I love you and I'm here for you.  What can I do?"

At first, you heard disordered answers because that's where all the whirlwinds come from.  You could stop doing this, you could always do that, you need this and this and this.  But that's not what this is about, those aren't the actual problems. 

The real enemy is disordered thinking and you have to get past the surface level stuff to really talk about the actual problems.  In most cases, it's not feeling loved, seen, or respected.  That's why my standard response, "I love you, I'm here for you no matter what..." sort of tackles all the BPD objections at once.  I just kept saying it, especially when things were ugly, especially when I wanted to fight back or tell them off for the ridiculous things that were being said.

I hope that helps!

[CC43]

Hi friends.  I was recently talking to a friend about BPD cycles and how the same arguments seem to come up over and over again.  For example, the BPD may accuse infidelity or withholding money or a million other things.  What's the best way that you've found to move past these conversations?

Hi Pook,

I'm grappling with that question as well.  My stepdaughter is the one with BPD in my life, but my husband exhibits some traits from time to time.  I wouldn't say he has BPD, but he's quick to anger and lets his emotions take over, resulting in some disordered, BPD-like thinking in my opinion.  My chief struggle has been his angry outbursts which typically arise whenever I engage in activities with other people outside the home.  He's OK if I go to the grocery or work out at the gym, but if I socialize, such as grab a coffee with a friend, do volunteer work, or visit with family on my own, etc., he often has a tantrum over it.  Of course, he's free to socialize on his own and does so frequently; I've never objected to that and have wholeheartedly encouraged him to pursue an active social life, especially now that we're both retired.  However I don't get the same courtesy or understanding.  Instead, I get yelled at:  "You've been gone ALL DAY!"  (Not true, just a morning or afternoon--but so what if I was gone all day?).  "You abandoned me for dinner, and there's no food!" (Not true, I was home before 6 PM, the fridge was full, and he could have made himself dinner or gotten a snack if he was starving.)  "This isn't retirement, you're gone too much!"  (Not true, I typically have social engagements less than once a week, because he's so incredibly fussy about it.)  "You're being a sh***y wife!  You didn't answer my call!" (Not true, I returned his call the second I could, not more than 20 minutes after he called, even though he knew perfectly well I was tied up.  His calls feel like surveillance.)

As an example, he threw a fit this week because I returned home 12 minutes later than my initial ETA.  You see, my husband demands to know EXACTLY what time I leave the home, and exactly what time I expect to return home, even if he's not home when I arrive.  He feels the need to pre-approve my excursions, and I had to "negotiate" a precise ETA (5:45 PM), but I told him that I wasn't sure exactly how long the event would last, let alone the traffic conditions in a town I don't usually travel to.  However, I told him that I'd call him as soon as the event was over, so that he'd know I was on my way home.  As usual, he called me preemptively, knowing that I couldn't answer my phone during the event.  When I returned his call on my way to the parking garage, he proceeded to yell at me for "running late," and when I arrived home at 5:57 PM, he proceeded to yell at me, AGAIN, even though I came within 12 minutes of my original ETA.  Anyone else in the world would have been happy for me, because the event I attended was very important to me.  Anyone else in the world would have asked how the event went, and maybe congratulated me.  But no, my husband was chewing me out because I "wasn't home in time to make him dinner" and telling me how horrible I am.  Not true--I usually start making dinner at 6 PM, and I'm not a jerk to him.  Geesh.

So the "old" me would argue with him, and try to point out that I deserve to have some friends and freedom, that I'm not cheating on him, that I'm not a slave nor subject to house arrest, that I'm not 3 years old (and he isn't either), that I don't deserve a 5 PM curfew, especially considering that he's often out until 9 PM or later, and I don't put up a fuss, as I have dinner waiting for him when he gets home.  However, like with BPD, the problem isn't a rational one, it's irrational, and the anger is misplaced.  It took me a long time to figure out that it wasn't really about me, but about his feelings of "abandonment," as well as feelings of insecurity, exclusion and jealousy (not just the sexual kind, but also straight-up jealousy of me).  I remember one poster whose spouse was jealous whenever she had an engaging conversation with others, possibly "upstaging" her husband, while he couldn't or wouldn't join in the fun.  My husband is a little like that, because his range of interests is narrower than mine, and he prefers to dominate the conversation, whereas I really like to hear what others have to say.  Anyway, I've learned to try not to JADE, even when it's really hard.  It can be exceptionally challenging when he's shouting lies at me, like "You left me no food!  You were gone all day!" etc.  Mostly I just ignore him, and I try to be my normal "nice" self going about my day.  Typically he'll calm down the next day.  But he rarely apologizes--he has only once or twice.  In fact, he had a major meltdown when I left him alone for a couple of days to deal with my father's passing in another state.  I had invited my husband to travel with me, but he didn't want to, and then he punished me for leaving him alone with angry calls and accusations, EXACTLY when I needed a little cooperation from him.  I didn't expect much support from him, but I also didn't expect a total meltdown and the barrage of nasty, threatening calls.  That experience taught me that deaths and other big family occasions are triggers for BPD-like meltdowns.

For me, a hard part is feeling like my husband is trying to spoil any endeavour I pursue outside the home.  I suppose I'm not a "typical" housewife, because I don't really find enough joy in keeping house and cooking all the time.  I do those things, and I try to do them without complaint, but it's not enough for me.  I want to be more than just a nurse with a purse.  I decided that I'd try to make more of a life for myself, in spite of my husband's objections and tantrums.  It's true that sometimes he can seem supportive of me, but the "cycle" of the same old argument about me doing something outside the home has been a recurring one.  I just don't know how to solve it, except not to engage and to try to be reassuring when he's not in a mood.  But it's disheartening sometimes, because I feel like he doesn't support me when I need it, and I feel like he's trying to restrict my activities, in an attempt to isolate/alienate me from others.  In addition, I can't believe that he seems so jealous, when he is extremely accomplished and has many amazing traits.  I just don't get it honestly.  Then I have to remember, it's not logical . . .

[ForeverDad]

Meanwhile, my ex wife has actually painted me white in most situations.  If someone talks badly about me, she's going to defend me and give them a taste of her wrath.  We're not close anymore but when we talk, it's like we're old friends catching up.  So that's really great since we're parents and have to communicate.

I had a lot of criticism and disparagement in my separation and divorce.  I kept going back to court, eight years in all, until finally we had a custody and parenting order that worked.  (She was very entitled and court enabled her by starting her off with temp custody and temp majority parenting schedule.  When all was said and done, our son was a preteen and I had custody and majority time.)

Once our son was an adult and custody issues were moot, it did calm down.  However, I still am careful - usually - not to trigger my ex since our marital problems were never her fault, well, in her perceptions.

Beware that what works today may not work in the future.  It's almost as though that beast needs to emerge somehow, one way or another.  So be prepared with alternate approaches, strategies and boundaries that help to keep the relationship narrative more or less on the positive or neutral side.

[Pook075]

For me, a hard part is feeling like my husband is trying to spoil any endeavour I pursue outside the home.  I suppose I'm not a "typical" housewife, because I don't really find enough joy in keeping house and cooking all the time.  I do those things, and I try to do them without complaint, but it's not enough for me.  I want to be more than just a nurse with a purse.  I decided that I'd try to make more of a life for myself, in spite of my husband's objections and tantrums. 

I'm curious- have you confronted him directly about this kind of stuff?  Not in a combative way, but purely to ask why he gets so focused on your timelines when he's not even home.  I had that in my former marriage as well and it frustrated me all the time.  If I was late getting home, the phone would be ringing and texts would be appearing. 

Yet if she was out late, I was supposed to assume it was for a perfectly good reason and not bother her.  If I asked, I was being controlling.  If I didn't ask, then I didn't care about her.  It was a game that was impossible to win, and of course I didn't realize I was playing the BPD game to begin with.

Your husband does sound like he has several BPD traits.  That doesn't make it BPD like you said, but I sometimes feel like there's a spectrum there that has some tendencies but not enough for a diagnosis.  My ex's brothers and several other relatives, for example, could be BPD/NPD as well, but they're nowhere near as obvious as my kid. 

[Pook075]

I had a lot of criticism and disparagement in my separation and divorce.  I kept going back to court, eight years in all, until finally we had a custody and parenting order that worked.  (She was very entitled and court enabled her by starting her off with temp custody and temp majority parenting schedule.  When all was said and done, our son was a preteen and I had custody and majority time.)

Once our son was an adult and custody issues were moot, it did calm down.  However, I still am careful - usually - not to trigger my ex since our marital problems were never her fault, well, in her perceptions.

Beware that what works today may not work in the future.  It's almost as though that beast needs to emerge somehow, one way or another.  So be prepared with alternate approaches, strategies and boundaries that help to keep the relationship narrative more or less on the positive or neutral side.

Yeah, I had a brother in law that went the same route you did and watching it unfold, it literally made me sick to my stomach.  His kids were around 6 and 10 when they split up, and now they're like 17 and 21.  He missed years with them because of the back and forth, the constant trips back to court, and his ex hell-bent on destroying him.  Our whole family didn't see those kids for 7+ years and it ate at everyone.  It devastated the dad though because those kids were his world.

I just couldn't do that so from the very start, I was going to "win my wife back" whether we stayed married or not.  At first, I took a lot of abuse for my efforts, but in time I think everyone around my ex kind of said, "Why are you treating him that way?  He's gone above and beyond to stand by you."  I really don't know how things clicked for her, I'm just glad they did.

You're right, it may not last forever, but she's remarried now and I think that's actually helped more than it hurt.  I doubt she thinks about me much anymore except when there's a kid problem or a birthday we'll both be at.  Our kids are grown too though so that makes it a lot easier.

I just hope that if the beast re-emerges, all that wrath is pointed at her current husband.  She's already getting depressed again and taking long naps often (which was the pattern that spelled the beginning of the end of our relationship).  I wish her the best, but a part of me knows that the wheels will eventually fall off the bus and it's going to crash spectacularly.

[Notwendy]

How do you think this would play out if you were still living with both of them and the pressure/expectation was naturally much higher? I guess it's impossible to really know since this isn't the current reality, but what is your guess?

I think this is an important point. BPD affects the most intimate relationships the most, so the dynamics would be more with the intimate partner and immediate family. Living all together in one home would increase the face to face contact between family members. It also affects the partner and family members in that it is harder to maintain boundaries under pressure when in th the same space.

I agree with the concept of "not fighting back" during a verbal accusation. In the moment, the pwBPD believes this and to try to defend onself raises the drama. If it does no good, then there's no point in doing this. The techniques such as JADE can help bring the drama down. If one can sincerely say "I love you and I'm here for you" in the moment, that possibly works too but I think only if one can sincerely mean it as it would be hard to have that come across if one didn't.

I think everyone would wish to be seen as "good" by their partner or family member, but sometimes this role can land on the Karpman triangle. Also, since we can not change someone's thinking, someone can be split- good or bad, according to how the pwBPD feels in the moment, and isn't about something another person can do or say.

In my own situation, knowing I could be split as either in the good position or the persecutor one, I didn't consider this outcome as any measure of me. I could visit and do things for BPD mother and she might still find something to not be pleased with. I had to stay firm in knowing that- however she responded didn't change the intent or action on my part.

BPD mother could be nicer and more "normal" with people who are not as close to her, because, she also had the closer family members with whom she did act out more. Someone could be in "good" position, when someone or something else was in persecutor position.

Being in good position is helpful in that there's some leverage there if the pwBPD needs help with something. My BPD mother's extended family was in "good position".  BPD mother was more likely to be receptive to their advice than mine.

I also was able to hold boundaries better than my father and recognized that he lived with her, and I didn't. So I do believe proximity makes a difference for both people.

In my situation, I don't think I got into many arguments with BPD mother or "fought back". As kids, we weren't allowed to do that. I also at some point decided it was useless. I did yell at her one time, during my father's illness when I was stressed over the situation, and seeing her reaction- I just didn't want to do that again.

[CC43]

I'm curious- have you confronted him directly about this kind of stuff?  Not in a combative way, but purely to ask why he gets so focused on your timelines when he's not even home.  I had that in my former marriage as well and it frustrated me all the time.  If I was late getting home, the phone would be ringing and texts would be appearing. 

Your husband does sound like he has several BPD traits.  That doesn't make it BPD like you said, but I sometimes feel like there's a spectrum there that has some tendencies but not enough for a diagnosis.  My ex's brothers and several other relatives, for example, could be BPD/NPD as well, but they're nowhere near as obvious as my kid. 

Pook, I've talked about my husband's controlling nature and seeming unwillingness for me to have a balanced life a few times.  Sometimes he admits to jealous feelings, and sometimes he admits he's not being rational.  But mostly, he makes promises not to overreact when I'm away.  You see, many times I go above and beyond to ensure my absence won't inconvenience him, by preparing food for him, and ensuring I'm out for the shortest time possible, and according to a strict plan (with no room for improvisation or deviation).  I'll say, "I'm having dinner with such-and-such girlfriend, you know, she attended our wedding, and we're meeting at this restaurant; since the drive time is 25 minutes each way, I'll be out three hours total, tops.  I left you some lasagna in the fridge, all you have to do is reheat it."  Then he'll say something like, "I can handle it, you know I was a bachelor for years and cooked for myself all the time, don't worry."  Well, that's what he says, no big deal, right?  But as the evening progresses, he typically flips and starts calling me, demanding to know why I don't pick up right away (usually restaurants are noisy and I don't hear my phone in my purse), where I am (I told him already), why I'm gone for so long (ditto), and how horrible I am for leaving him alone with nothing to eat (lie) . . .  He's not like this every time, but maybe 30-50% of the time.  It's happened so often that I'm sick of it, I flinch every time he calls, and I try really hard not to let him "ruin" it for me, but man, he punishes me for daring to leave the home and having a social life.  His issue:  I have a social life "without him."  Of course it's OK for him to have a social life without me, say with his sports and hobby buddies, but he doesn't see the unfairness of it.  And yet, when I invite him to outings, he's reluctant to go.  If he does relent and decides to accompany me, half the time he's a sourpuss and insists on leaving early, for example.  Or he'll pull me aside and chew me out for talking to other people at a party.  Not always, just often, depending on his mood and maybe what I'm wearing or the way I acted, for example if I took "too long" in the ladies' room (where there was a line) . . .

Indeed I do think that this sort of behavior is BPD-like, but he's not BPD the way his diagnosed daughter clearly is.  He doesn't exhibit feelings of hopelessness, he doesn't have disordered/volatile relationships everywhere, he's not impulsive in his actions in most environments, he doesn't self-sabotage, he's not suicidal or self-harming, his identity is solid and consistent, his executive function is extremely high.  I'd say he's somewhat insecure (with me), he's prone to angry outbursts and has some hair-trigger "abandonment" feelings which emerge as bullying.  And when he's agitated, he becomes irrational and petulant with me.

My coping skill is mostly to ignore it.  When I argue back, it gets worse.  I think he knows he's being a jerk but just can't help himself because deep down he's insecure, even though he shouldn't be!  That's what makes it even more confusing.  If he's really toxic and demanding unrealistic things (e.g. a curfew of 5 PM for me), I'll say, "Fine, but if I have a 5 PM curfew, so do you and all the other adults in this household.  I'm not a slave you know."  I know that's not helpful, but it has enabled me to avoid a 5 PM curfew that he continues to try to impose every few months.