Starting this Journey

[One-Eared Wonder]

Hello,

I found this message board while searching for "Welcome to Oz", I'm about 100 pages into Stop Walking on Eggshells and my mind has been blown wide open with how much my relationship mirrors that of someone living with a person with BPD.  I have my own issue with porn addiction and have been in recovery for 10+ years (ups and downs) and my spouse has always been able to use my addiction against me.  I have low self-esteem so I unknowingly fell further and further into her beratement over my problem.  The past 5 years I've sensed something was wrong.  There should be grace, foregiviness, and a desire to work on things.  Instead it's been in-house-separation for 2 years with her emotionally and verbally abusing me with my past mistakes.  I had a mental breakdown, fell into depression, and started floating suicidal thoughts.  Thankfully I've gotten help.  I'm on anti-depressants for 1.5 years, seeing a pyschiatrist, and working with a counselor.  Life for me individually has gotten much better.  Life with her is still bitter, distant, and painful. 

SWOE has helped me see that it's not just me, there's more to this story.  As I have prepped for a possible divorce and written out a relatinoship timeline I've seen that there's much more to this than I originally realized.  It's aligning so much with BPD and so many things are clicking into place.  My spouse has, since the start of our relationship, constantly asked me "do you love me?" and accused me of trying to cheat on her, talk to others, or even sleep with others, all without any evidence other than my porn addiction (I promise the extent of my addiction is nothing illegal and is only about medicating through anonymity via pixels on the screen).  I've felt so dumbfounded and confused, as if I'm trying to fight for who I am against my partner, rather than with her.

Muddying the waters is we've got 2 kids now, 7 and 5, and my spouse doesn't work.  We don't have enough money for a divorce, I don't want to leave my kids alone with her, and at the same time I feel like nothing will change unless she has a major shock to her system.

I don't know what to do, but I know I need to find community and speak up for myself.  Looking forward to dialogue here to help me figure things out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

Hi, you have responses to your first post over on the Separating & Divorcing board.  Today I'll comment on the impact to the young children.  It is wise you have concern about them since the impact of divorce - the end of the adult relationship - extends far beyond the parents.  You still have 15 years of parenting ahead of you.

The reality is that there are many families with children who face divorce.  For the most part, the family courts and those experts associated with them - the judges, lawyers, counselors and child protection agencies - do have the children's best interests as a priority.  How well they do that in every case is up to interpretation.  Mostly they do, but that does not mean you can sit back and let strangers assume the responsibility you have as a reasonably normal parent.

Our immediate thought is that divorce is a disaster.  Yes it is, but it also can result in an unexpectedly better outcome for the children.  Divorce, despite its sad impression, presents a not-so-obvious opportunity.

Here's a post I made years ago.  That member's dilemma may not have been exactly what you're dealing with, so not everything may apply in your case.  Ponder the various aspects that do apply.  What you do is your decision, we here in peer support can only relate our experiences, what we've learned, and address your concerns with our collective hard-won experience.

The only advice that I can give you is that you must take some sort of action or action will be taken for you and you may or may not like the results, but you will have to live with them.

I think this is the principle where... .Inaction is a choice too.  Do you want that choice or would some other choice be better?

I believe most of us here tried to stay, until it became impractical, impossible or even dangerous.  (I was one of the many high conflict cases facing endless allegations meant to sabotage us and our parenting.)  Perhaps you can stay and manage things?  You have to ponder whether that is possible or even practical.  Is your situation low conflict or increasing conflict?  Is there risk of it worsening?  (Another truism about increased conflict:  If allegations or obstruction has been threatened or even contemplated, then it will happen, given enough time.)

The only ways things can get better are:  (1) You establish solid boundaries and she abides by them.  This does not mean you tell her to do or not do things.  That doesn't work, the BPD pattern is to steamroll over or bust boundaries, it's like a challenge.  Rather, your boundaries are what You will do or not do.  Example:  "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  Does that make sense?  Your boundaries are how you will respond to her actions, particularly her poor actions and behaviors.

Or (2) she lets a therapist or counselor disarm her Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting enough so she will listen to expert therapy (usually DBT, CBT or similar), apply it diligently in her life, thinking, perceptions, moods and behaviors, and do so long term, possibly for the rest of her life if need be.  Sorry, she can't attend a few sessions and declare herself recovered.

If she doesn't do either of the above then odds are the marriage and relationship is failing or has failed.  Then it is up to you to Accept that fact.  Then your decisions need to move forward from there.  Keep in mind this is always your decision to make, we're here to provide information, education and, of course, peer support.  We've lived through it, we have a huge amount of collective wisdom to share.  Just keep asking and learning.  In time you will find you can make more informed and more confident decisions.

Often we parents feel it is best to stay together "for the kids".  (Don't guilt yourself, nearly all here started out with concerns and ethics dealing with that.  Unfortunately, in many of our cases that is an uninformed and unbalanced perspective.)  Well, if the family dynamic is unhealthy or dysfunctional, staying together may turn out to be reinforcing that family dynamic as normal.  In other words, do we want the kids to feel this current situation is 'normal'?  If this is all they will have known growing up, how will they become prepared for balanced adult life?  How will they become prepared to be reasonably normal adults and choose reasonably normal adults as their marriage mates?  Most of us have been acquiescing appeasers and the disordered spouse the demanding tyrant ruled by erratic moods and emotional perceptions.  Not a great mix.  Which parent do you want them to be like, appeasing you or the controlling other parent?  Who do you want them to marry, someone like appeasing you or someone like the controlling other parent?

Another problem you'll face is second-guessing yourself wondering whether divorce is the right thing to do.  Ponder that well and resolve that now, for yourself and for the kids, because the stress and push-back you get during the months ahead will surely test your resolve and decisions.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.