... My spouse has, since the start of our relationship, constantly asked me "do you love me?" and accused me of trying to cheat on her, talk to others, or even sleep with others, all without any evidence other than my porn addiction (I promise the extent of my addiction is nothing illegal and is only about medicating through anonymity via pixels on the screen). I've felt so dumbfounded and confused, as if I'm trying to fight for who I am against my partner, rather than with her. ...
Careful with this. What is "porn addiction?" A lot of people look at porn; it's not really a big deal. But if your wife is BPD, she doesn't really care what the issue is, only insofar as she can find something wrong with you to pin her own issues on, and make you the cause of them.
If you feel you have an addiction, by all means get help for it. But do not admit this to a pwBPD, because you will quickly find that it serves as a convenient excuse for them to make all sorts of unfair demands on you and of your time to "reassure them," and if she gets dysregulated, will not be discreet about it (she'll tell anyone in the moment, even your own kids). Humiliating you will be the price you pay for non-compliance, no matter how trivial her demand was.
I endured similar "interrogations" on a regular basis. BPDxw would demand to know if I cheated on her, if I "liked anyone" at work, if I thought other women were pretty, if I looked at porn, etc. etc. I was a faithful husband, and had never cheated on her, nor did I make efforts to, or flirt with other women, or anything like that. Her claims were completely baseless. But of course, it was not about me, the issue was her own insecurity, and her need to feel that she was the victim of something, because being in that dynamic was comforting to her. Despite my demands that she stop this - especially in front of our daughter who was getting old enough to understand - she would justify her behavior by claiming that I needed to show her I loved her enough. Imagine that?
In a normal situation, you share things with your spouse to build trust between you, and you can do this knowing they will maintain that trust, and would not use anything you say against you. But this is not the dynamic when you're in a relationship with a pwBPD. Normal rules don't apply. I don't think you have to LIE to them, nor should you, but a full disclosure of your thoughts and actions is done at your own peril! Anything you say CAN and WILL be used against you! There will be no benefit to being honest.
... Muddying the waters is we've got 2 kids now, 7 and 5, and my spouse doesn't work. We don't have enough money for a divorce, I don't want to leave my kids alone with her, and at the same time I feel like nothing will change unless she has a major shock to her system. I don't know whether to stay or go, but staying has felt hopeless for a long time now. She's told me numerous times that if I want to divorce, go ahead. But that she's staying b/c she doesn't want to lose time w/our kids, doesn't want to get a full time job, and doesn't want to lose the house. I feel no hope for her wanting to "work on us"
I don't know what to do, but I know I need to find community and speak up for myself. Looking forward to dialogue here to help me figure things out.
It sounds to me like she's either sought advice online, or gotten legal advice from an actual attorney, and been told that if she doesn't work, she'll get child support
and alimony and done the math and decided that sounds like a pretty good outcome to her.
And even if not,
you should seek professional advice given that the topic of divorce has been broached, regardless of what your decision is. You can pay a family law attorney for an hour consultation, and they can review your situation and estimate for you the absolutely worst case outcome, and also the likely outcome in the event of divorce. When I say "outcome" I mean: custody schedule for the kids, property settlement (how you divide the house and $$$ on hand), and the likely cost of the divorce, with low, medium and high estimates. That gives you a "baseline" to compare your situation to. At some point, you may decide the cost of the divorce is worth the peace of mind you get from getting this toxic person out of your life. And even if you can't get 100% custody (that's almost impossible anywhere, without proof that the non-custodial parent is physically abusive), you can give your kids a break from the BPD-behavior during the time they're with you.
I did this when BPDxw started mentioning divorce as a possibility in our case. I know my then-wife had gone and seen an attorney (she told me this) and was throwing out that if I left her, I'd get to see our daughter once a month, and she'd get all our money. Nonsense! I went to see an attorney myself, who laid out the likely outcome under state law and judicial guidelines. I could see that even by default under state law, I'd end up with a pretty even split, I'd keep all the assets I had prior to marriage, and close to 40% parenting time, and there was nothing my wife could do about that. That consultation was the best $$$ I ever spent. And the result was pretty consistent with it.
State laws vary greatly though, so you need to see an attorney where you live to get the lay of the land. It might be worse. Where I live, alimony is not the norm, and only awarded in exceptional circumstances, such as when a divorced spouse is physically unable to work.
