Problems with elderly BPD mom

[KitKat68]

My mom was diagnosed with BPD in the 2006-08 time period following a divorce from her third husband. She did not follow through with individual therapy nor go to DBT as was recommended. Mom is now in her 70’s (I’m in my 50’s) and things seem to be going off the rails.

Im on the west coast and my mom moved back here from the east coast several years ago. We haven’t been emotionally or geographically close in decades and I wasn’t thrilled she was moving back but, her life. Not only did she move back, she moved too close for comfort. She also bought a house with her her now deceased sixth husband’s best friend. This BFF is someone she was having some “phone affair” with while his wife was still alive. The guy is an alcoholic and overall a huge jerk even when sober.

Things were ok at first but mom managed to cause a lot of trouble with my oldest child (in her 30’s) and overall became more and more witchy and less waif in terms of her BPD. Her behavior has revealed her racist leanings and overall intolerance of anyone, white or otherwise, who simply even disagree with her. She was becoming increasingly disagreeable, some of which directed at my husband and me, and we grew disinterested in spending time with them. Couple years back her BF became completely s*it-faced and belligerent in a restaurant, my husband had to drive him home, things have gone downhill since. The real end started last fall when I told her I needed space (woo boy).

I’ve not seen my mom since last summer nor spoken to her since last fall. They live nearby and her BF enjoys harassing us periodically and whenever they see us in traffic they both make a big spectacle of honking, yelling obscenities, swerving at us, flipping us off, and just otherwise being belligerent (most recently was last week). We’ve not reacted to any of it, literally zero reaction. The last incident was last week and I wasn’t there but my husband said they laid on the horn to get his attention, flipped him off, and then swerved at him last second. My mom does all of the aforementioned but doesn’t swerve, just everything else.

Rightfully so my husband wants nothing to do with either of them anymore. I long ago grew tired of my mom and all the men (6 husbands and countless affair partners and boyfriends) so my reaction to recent belligerent events is less intense than his. I’m never surprised by my mom. We both know she’ll never take responsibility for her behavior, nor will her awful BF ever do the same with his own. They’ve been together since 2019 and are financially dependent on one another, she won’t be leaving him. Even if she did leave I still don’t want to be around her.

I have another relative wBPD so I know not to JADE nor feed into the chaos monster with my mom, which is why I’ve done nothing. In any case, is it typical for people with these diagnoses and life problems to lash out in the manner in which they are doing? I would be sad and disappointed if a relative went low or no contact with me but acting like a belligerent delinquent in traffic would not be on my list of options. I’d either try to reconcile or leave them be depending on how I felt about them.

Also, it is just extremely secondhand embarrassing my mom would behave like this at any age but in her 70’s and as a great grandma it’s ….well, it’s a choice. Her man picker is also AWFUL. They are smear campaigning us in the neighborhood (they live 6 miles away but we’re all in the same big HOA) and my mom acts so sweet and nice that everyone believes her.

Why are they like this?

[zachira]

Many of us who have a mother with BPD can relate to much of what you are sharing. My mother with BPD is deceased.

The behaviors when you are driving around are quite shocking and endangering not only you but other people on the road. It might make sense to consult a lawyer to find out if you can report this to law enforcement and/or send a letter/some kind of notice to desist from these behaviors with the consequences spelled out.

It seems your mother clearly resents you which is not unusual. Unfortunately when we are the child of a mother with BPD, we quite often become targets for their dysregulated out of control emotions. In these cases, the targets can only do their best to remove themselves from opportunities to be abused.

As far as the smear campaign goes, I do believe it can make sense to respond by saying something like: "What you are hearing about me is not true." In my experiences with being one of the scapegoats of my large extended family, is the smear campaign can get out of hand long before we know it even is happening, and if we do not respond than people believe that what they are hearing must be true.

Having a mother with BPD is a life long sorrow. It seems you are doing everything possible to distance yourself from her. Have you thought about moving far away from her at some point?

[KitKat68]

Many of us who have a mother with BPD can relate to much of what you are sharing. My mother with BPD is deceased.

The behaviors when you are driving around are quite shocking and endangering not only you but other people on the road. It might make sense to consult a lawyer to find out if you can report this to law enforcement and/or send a letter/some kind of notice to desist from these behaviors with the consequences spelled out.

It seems your mother clearly resents you which is not unusual. Unfortunately when we are the child of a mother with BPD, we quite often become targets for their dysregulated out of control emotions. In these cases, the targets can only do their best to remove themselves from opportunities to be abused.

As far as the smear campaign goes, I do believe it can make sense to respond by saying something like: "What you are hearing about me is not true." In my experiences with being one of the scapegoats of my large extended family, is the smear campaign can get out of hand long before we know it even is happening, and if we do not respond than people believe that what they are hearing must be true.

Having a mother with BPD is a life long sorrow. It seems you are doing everything possible to distance yourself from her. Have you thought about moving far away from her at some point?

Thank you for your response.

Yes, it would appear my BPD mom resents me and more than I knew. Which is infuriating because the hell she put me through as a kid would’ve gotten me removed from her custody if CPS had existed back then. Logically I know it’s pointless to a certain degree to be resentful as there’s no end, she’ll never take ownership of her behavior. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Last fall she was undergoing yet another cosmetic surgery, nothing urgent at all, and she kept insisting that I take her doctor’s calls with “updates.” I took one call and kindly asked the surgeon to not call me again unless there was an emergency. My mom had her BF with her, I was working from home and dealing with a major plumbing issue under our house. Mom flipped out and started harassing me, I told her to give me space, I went LC, she has been going off the rails since. We are now NC but I don’t have her blocked.

All I did was tell her I need space and to stop sending her BF over here to scream at us over our fence. :/

I did call law enforcement and unless there’s an eye witness or proof of the serving, nothing they can do until “something worse happens.” Frustrating. Maybe the lawyer angle will be needed in the future.

When I was much younger I believed my mom’s nice act for a long time (a lot of people do w/her) but eventually caught on and by the BPD diagnosis …well, I wasn’t surprised. Yet I did not fully realize how mean she actually is until recent years. The people she knows here who she tells her smear campaigns to believe her lies and from them all I get is the “you only get one mother in this life” line and admonished like a child. However, I do see your point about smear campaigns and large groups of people.

The turn my mom’s behavior has taken in this stage of her life was a bit surprising as she mostly keeps the witch under wraps and the waif out in full view. Since I’ve slowly pulled back from her starting years ago and through her aging process, her meanness is now front and center.

And yes, we have thought about moving but the housing market as we all know is insane. I love where we live but it is a well known high cost of living area on the US west coast . My neighbor’s house has been on the market for a year and they maybe get one car a week going by to look at it.

[zachira]

I hate to tell you this, it seems that the behaviors of most mothers with BPD worsen as they age and become even more dissatisfied with their lives. As her target, you might want to consider documenting all her behaviors, so if you need a restraining order at some point, you will easily get one. My understanding is that keeping a notebook and writing down the incidents as they occur in order, counts as legal documentation for court. A restraining order might include her not harassing you while driving which if you have plenty of documentation of and a restraining order, could allow you to call the police when another incident occurs. There can be some serious consequences for disobeying a restraining order including jail time and fines.

As far as the smear campaign goes, it is unfortunate that so many people believe that all mothers are saints and should be revered. I have found a few people who do get what I am talking about when I describe all the abuse I have suffered at the hands of my large narcissistic extended family. People who work directly with the elderly can be particularly understanding that some senior citizens are difficult and this is how they have always been, though it is more apparent with age as the masks slip.

[KitKat68]

I hate to tell you this, it seems that the behaviors of most mothers with BPD worsen as they age and become even more dissatisfied with their lives. As her target, you might want to consider documenting all her behaviors, so if you need a restraining order at some point, you will easily get one. My understanding is that keeping a notebook and writing down the incidents as they occur in order, counts as legal documentation for court. A restraining order might include her not harassing you while driving which if you have plenty of documentation of and a restraining order, could allow you to call the police when another incident occurs. There can be some serious consequences for disobeying a restraining order including jail time and fines.

As far as the smear campaign goes, it is unfortunate that so many people believe that all mothers are saints and should be revered. I have found a few people who do get what I am talking about when I describe all the abuse I have suffered at the hands of my large narcissistic extended family. People who work directly with the elderly can be particularly understanding that some senior citizens are difficult and this is how they have always been, though it is more apparent with age as the masks slip.

I’m going to take your advice and start documenting the bizarre behavior because while I thought I’d never need to take out an RO on my mom (and that awful guy she lives with), it may be necessary if they continue. I work from home four 10’s so my time on the road is limited to predictable but limited days, they’re retired and are on no schedule, my husband commutes about 30min each way.M-F. They seemed to have honed in on him since they know for sure when he commutes.

Her mask slipping in old age is real! A lot of the people we both know and I’m sure others think my mom is so sweet. Saves the stray animals (but doesn’t actually care for them), checks in on the nearby, very elderly neighbor (95+) but because she knows it makes her look good, not because she cares all too much. Always soooo nice when people are paying attention.

Meanwhile I’m exhausted trying to work and get through menopause, my oldest child (adult aged) has mental health issues, I probably don’t look friendly (), and just want to be left alone. I don’t want to convince her friends and neighbors to not believe her (they’ll believe what they want) and mostly just wish it would stop. While also knowing I can wish what I want but it makes no difference.

[Notwendy]

Your mother's behavior and her BF's behavior are so outlandish, I think people will see through it in time. I think it's good to focus on your own peace with your family. Also, she's chosen quite a character for a BF. Hard to believe a grown man acts like that. Maybe they make a compatible pair.

Why they act like they do, I have no idea. Even with BPD- people are their own individuals.

I think pwBPD have a poor sense of self and tend to mirror the people they are with. Your mother picked quite a guy (sarcasm) and so may be behaving similarly along with him. I can't imagine people not picking up on this in time, unless they too have similar behaviors.

I just kept an emotional distance from people in my mother's circle. They were her people and she needed a support system and friends.  I was OK with that.

[KitKat68]

Your mother's behavior and her BF's behavior are so outlandish, I think people will see through it in time. I think it's good to focus on your own peace with your family. Also, she's chosen quite a character for a BF. Hard to believe a grown man acts like that. Maybe they make a compatible pair.

Why they act like they do, I have no idea. Even with BPD- people are their own individuals.

I think pwBPD have a poor sense of self and tend to mirror the people they are with. Your mother picked quite a guy (sarcasm) and so may be behaving similarly along with him. I can't imagine people not picking up on this in time, unless they too have similar behaviors.

I just kept an emotional distance from people in my mother's circle. They were her people and she needed a support system and friends.  I was OK with that.

Their/her see through him, not her. He’s aggressive and nasty and she’s sweet and waify on the face of things, the friends assume a lot of things from there about each of them but usually cast her in a positive light because she’s much more careful than her bf is about behavior.

Yep, he’s bizarre and probably always has been so now he’s just grown, old, and outlandish. Weirdos come in all ages, apparently?

[Notwendy]

Yes they do. I think sometimes even more. It's normal aging for people to lose their "filter" as they get older and to say things maybe they wouldn't ordinarily say. However, if they aren't disordered to begin with, these wouldn't be quite as strange.

Someone with BPD can also have behavioral changes related to aging. For my mother, one of them was control. As she became more dependent, she also became more controlling. One of the strangest changes was that she usually was very attentive to her appearance, dressing nicely, hair done. In assisted living, when the aide came to help her bathe, she refused. She was assessed for issues like dementia, depression, none were seen. What I think was going on was a need for control. She was not going to do what the aide wanted to do, sort of a power struggle.

I think if there's a big change in an elderly person's behavior- they would need to be evaluated for possible causes, but sometimes it's just their behavior- and yes, at any age.

[ForeverDad]

Also, it is just extremely secondhand embarrassing my mom would behave like this at any age but in her 70’s and as a great grandma it’s ….well, it’s a choice.

Frankly, she is not a great example as a grandma.  Yes, she may limit her antics and disrespect (most of the time) when with her grandchildren but that does not mean she is a great grandma.  Ponder how you can ensure your children aren't fooled by her pretense.

My maternal grandfather remarried after grandma's death before I was born.  Step-grandma seemed sweet but she was a different person to her husband and my parents.  When I became an adult I was a religious volunteer for many years.  To say I was poor would be an understatement.  One time when I was bringing him to his home he gave me $5 - just the once - and he told me not to tell his wife.  After he passed I remarked to my mother about his single gift to me years before.  Mom replied that she was two-faced, "Her money was her money - she even had to pay taxes on her interest - and his money was their money."  Imagine that he couldn't even share that he gave his grandson $5!  That was not a great step-grandmother in my eyes.

Perhaps your husband can avoid some of their road ambushes by varying his route to and from work?

[KitKat68]

Frankly, she is not a great example as a grandma.  Yes, she may limit her antics and disrespect (most of the time) when with her grandchildren but that does not mean she is a great grandma.  Ponder how you can ensure your children aren't fooled by her pretense.

My maternal grandfather remarried after grandma's death before I was born.  Step-grandma seemed sweet but she was a different person to her husband and my parents.  When I became an adult I was a religious volunteer for many years.  To say I was poor would be an understatement.  One time when I was bringing him to his home he gave me $5 - just the once - and he told me not to tell his wife.  After he passed I remarked to my mother about his single gift to me years before.  Mom replied that she was two-faced, "Her money was her money - she even had to pay taxes on her interest - and his money was their money."  Imagine that he couldn't even share that he gave his grandson $5!  That was not a great step-grandmother in my eyes.

Perhaps your husband can avoid some of their road ambushes by varying his route to and from work?

Sorry, I didn’t mean she’s “great” as a grandma, rather just generationally speaking her grandchildren (my kids) have kids of their own. She has no relationship with any of them; she’s estranged from my oldest child and her kids and my other kids and their families live too far away and keep their distance otherwise. She’s not even connected with them on social media and my kids are not fooled by my mom. My mom is so disconnected from all of them she doesn’t realize how many of grandkids exist - two of my kids each have had another child in recent years and my mom doesn’t know.

Great idea, my husband has a few ways he can commute on the front end of his drive but these incidences mostly happen fairly close to home, within a a few miles and they’re mostly catching him in that range. Sometimes further away though. My mom doesn’t live that far away.