Needing encouragement &support to get healthy whether or not my son chooses to

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, I've been gone from here for about 6 months. My swubpd went from broke and suicidal in Oct. to find a very good job. In my fantasy world, that was all he needed to be ok. From what I saw he was managing life well for about 4 months at which time he called in a panic because of mismanaging money. When I say panic I mean frantic, all logic and rational thinking out the window. So, in true form I panic and rescue with rent money.
I've been in therapy since October and I'm finally understanding my son isn't the problem. I don't allow myself to be manipulated and taken advantage of because of his pain. It's my pain at seeing him hurting, scared.... that stops me from setting the boundaries I want to set boundaries and know it's important for his growth and mine. He's 45. He's intelligent and has always had a job or started a career. I love him yet this illness creates such chaos. My husband,  not his biological Dad is at the end of his rope with me letting myself be taken advantage of.  So, I'm here to practice and set boundaries on my money, ridiculously long amounts of time on the phone trying to calm and reason with my son who isn't in a state to do that at that time. He has said a couple weeks ago that he wants therapy.  I'm not sure he's serious,  but the only thing I want to help pay for is good DBT therapy. I'll be reading posts and articles available. Thanks

[JsMom]

Hi, I've been gone from here for about 6 months. My swubpd went from broke and suicidal in Oct. to find a very good job. In my fantasy world, that was all he needed to be ok. From what I saw he was managing life well for about 4 months at which time he called in a panic because of mismanaging money. When I say panic I mean frantic, all logic and rational thinking out the window. So, in true form I panic and rescue with rent money.
I've been in therapy since October and I'm finally understanding my son isn't the problem. I don't allow myself to be manipulated and taken advantage of because of his pain. It's my pain at seeing him hurting, scared.... that stops me from setting the boundaries I want to set boundaries and know it's important for his growth and mine. He's 45. He's intelligent and has always had a job or started a career. I love him yet this illness creates such chaos. My husband,  not his biological Dad is at the end of his rope with me letting myself be taken advantage of.  So, I'm here to practice and set boundaries on my money, ridiculously long amounts of time on the phone trying to calm and reason with my son who isn't in a state to do that at that time. He has said a couple weeks ago that he wants therapy.  I'm not sure he's serious,  but the only thing I want to help pay for is good DBT therapy. I'll be reading posts and articles available. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

I want to add to my post, asking a question.  Has anyone really struggled with setting boundaries? Such as giving financially where you short yourself and the pwbpd overspends, doesn't budget..
I know in my head this is very unhealthy. My heart feels like I'm being cruel if I don't  "help".  I hate that I feel stuck and afraid. 
Has anyone been able to make this change?  And how did you do it?

[Notwendy]

I think it's great that your therapist has identified the boundary issue for you. It's also because, we can't change another person, only ourselves, so while your son has his own issues with BPD and spending, when you give him money, it enables his behavior.

The wish to help is normal as a parent, however, if you can see this kind of "help" as enabling- something that could stand in the way of your son learning to manage money better- you may feel less inclined to help in this way.

This isn't just with someone with BPD. It's with anybody- if we could spend money as we want- and someone will give us more, maybe we'd be less inclined to stick to a budget.

It's also good that you have identified your own feelings of fear if you don't help financially. If it's our own feelings, we can learn to work with that.

Something that helped me, in addition to therapy, is 12 step CODA groups, which helps to idenfity and change enabling behavior.

With my BPD mother, mismanaging money was a long term behavior. My father enabled her. After he passed away, she didn't have money management skills and compromised herself financially, in her elder years. Your son is able to be employed, and recover financially from mistakes- and so, if you think of this as letting him learn now- while he can do that, then it could be that the best way to "help" is to not give money.

IMHO I would not pay for therapy. The incentive needs to come from him. He may be less likely to follow through if it's not a money risk to him.

I think we all would help in a situation where someone was sick, infirm, a true emergency where they could not work or fend for themselves but your son is able to work- and so letting him learn may be the best experience for him, even if it's hard to say no.

[CC43]

Hi JsMom,

Well it sounds to me like there are a couple of good developments here.  First, your son had a stretch of four months of stability--is that a record for him?  That's pretty good in my opinion.  That's a real accomplishment, as well as a solid base to work from.  Second, it seems you have a good grasp of the situation:  you're aware that the problem is your pain/fear/panic at seeing your son struggle.  Being able to see the pattern and name what you're feeling is key to addressing it.

Look, the way I see this is that, though your son might be venting and getting himself into a tizzy, it's not your job to get him out of it.  If you're always there to "rescue" him by talking him down and bailing him out with money, then how is he going to learn to do these things for himself?  He's 45, he can hold down a great job, my guess is that he's capable.  If he realizes he needs some expert assistance--psychological, a life coach, a finacial skills course--well that's great and very responsible of him.  But I think you need to get out of his way!  I know you might be worried sick at first, but I think it's time.  I'd say, it's time to close the Bank of Mom.

I think you need to deactivate that ATM (aka panic) button.  In my humble opinion, you shouldn't pay for DBT courses, because if you do, my sense is that he won't take them seriously.  He's 45, if he wants to do something, he should be the one to make it happen.  He has a job and presumably insurance--he can find therapy that works for him.  And when he does, you're not depriving him of that sense of accomplishment and the pride of full "ownership" of his life.  But if you are "facilitating" his life for him out of panic and concern, what you're basically doing is projecting a sense of incompetence onto him, and you're perpetuating a feeling that he's dependent on you.  Do you really want that?

My adult BPD stepdaughter had a habit of rebounding to her dad's and my home every few months after a self-inflicted crisis.  What she'd do was give up on something (school, her job, her rooming situation, etc.) and "escape" her life by living with us, rent, responsibility and consequence-free.  (Do you see how she uses avoidance as her main coping strategy?)  Of course, at first she'd enjoy being on "vacation," but even she knew it wasn't sustainable, because she wasn't living her life--she was just "waiting" on the sidelines, in a sort of purgatory, while hating her dad and me full time.  Last fall, her dad asked her to leave our home, because she was hostile, and she wasn't working or trying very hard to find work.  Though the circumstances around her leaving weren't ideal, I think that it was one of the best things that happened to her.  She was forced to live in the "real world" and face the consequences of her own choices.  And once she was given the time and space to sort out her own life on her own, she surprised us.  Sure, her dad is helping her with some money from time to time, but it's much less then what he used to give her, and he's in the process of weaning her off money completely, as we're retired.  I think she's free to "hate" us as much as she wants, weaving a narrative that we "abused" her by "kicking her out for no good reason," and that's fine if it's what it takes to get her to stand on her own two feet and create an adult's life for herself.  I'd rather be temporarily "despised" as "toxic," if it means she creates a real life for herself, rather than despise me because I'm an enabler of her living like a perpetual victim and like a little girl, with fewer responsibilities than a five-year-old, because that's not healthy for any of us.

Anyway, I might have advised before that I think your role needs to evolve from one of "facilitator/rescuer" to cheerleader.  You don't give money.  You don't solve your son's problems.  You don't even volunteer advice unless he asks for it.  If he's spinning out of control, maybe you allow him to sit with his feelings and process them, but you don't become his punching bag.  Also, you're not his therapist--if he's venting for hours late into the night, you extricate yourself, because you need your sleep, and so does he!  In other words, you need healthy boundaries, namely not to lose too much of your valuable time and money to his chaos.  You give him time and space to sort things out for himself.

One more example from me:  my stepkids were racking up parking and speeding tickets when they started driving.  My husband would pay for them, and he became increasingly stressed out when the tickets continued and the insurance costs soared even higher.  He even hired lawyers to appear in court to contest the tickets, so his (adult) kids wouldn't lose their licenses.  At one point, I said, If you continue to pay the tickets, they'll keep getting tickets.  If you want the tickets to stop, stop paying for them.  And guess what?  When he stopped paying, he stopped getting more tickets from the kids.  Maybe the kids got more tickets, or maybe not, but they stopped being my husband's problem.  In other words, he had to refrain from getting in the way of the natural consequences of his kids' behavior.  So if an adult kid loses a job (or gets fired), they don't get "rewarded" with months' long vacations in the parental home.  They have to find another job, and quick, so that they can make rent.  They "need" the pressure of making rent to get out there and find another employment situation, find an affordable living situation, etc.

Just my two cents.