Quiet BPD - Shock and Trauma After 23 Years

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, this is my first post. I have read many posts from loved ones of pwBPD and I have found few with my experience. I am truly at a loss and looking for advice.

I have been with my husband for 23 years. Our lives/marriage fell apart last year after some revelations about addiction, and he was diagnosed with BPD.

I would like to begin with what my experience was prior to last year. Him and I were best friends, inseparable, so close, great intimacy, such happiness. We had problems like anyone else, most of which I thought were normal, but on top of those problems he head what I thought was an anxiety disorder. We moved to a new city with our children (14 and 21) 3 years ago, and it has been the best years of our marriage. I thought I had a perfect life. Our family relationship and family dynamic was amazing, we all thought so, and others referred to us as a perfect family. Last year I finally got more personal time and all the crises in my life had settled (deaths, illnesses, extended family drama), and so I really focused on my relationship with my husband and noticed things were off. We were becoming more open and intimate and then I noticed weird behaviour and lies. Long story short, I found out he was a porn addict and a shopping addict. So much came out through shear force trickle truth and my life shattered. This man who made me feel like the only woman on Earth, the only woman he had eyes for (which he would say obsessively) was not only watching immense amounts of porn and masturbating at work and taking insane amounts of pills for erectile dysfunction, had also flirted with a 20 year old, thought about cheating on me multiple times, had sexual fantasies (he calls them intrusive thoughts) about his 20 year old employee, turned into a creep on Facebook, and was checking out woman (mostly young) when he would go out. He also spent tens of thousands on so many things from shoes, to fitness equipment, clothes, etc. He hid it all from me! I trusted him more than anyone I knew, I was blindsided and felt like my world would not stop spinning. I now have betrayal trauma and CPTSD. The last year we have been trying to work through things, but he has become so emotionally and psychologically abusive and has threatened to kill himself numerous times if I leave. He can't give me space - actually can't let me be by myself if we have had an argument, has traumatized me and our kids, and has gone off the deep end. I have had to call the police a few times, but he has never physically harmed me. I am shocked, devastated, and confused, and clearly not learning the gravity of my situation quickly enough.

My therapist has called his behaviour parasitic (she has experience with BPD) and our situation not sustainable. He pushes me over the edge because I am already traumatized and he won't stop lying and won't give me space and I am trapped. He is doing DBT and seeing a therapist, but his fear of abandonment is so severe that nothing is helping. I am not helping either. I am now compelled dysregulated. I go from intense rage, to sobbing, to trying to support him and be empathetic (I have loved this man half my life). I have recently realized that I am and have always been in an abusive relationship. But it was all happening so quietly and I thought I was the bad one because I would get angry at him. Manipulation, lies, gaslighting, these things have really messed me up psychologically. He wants to get better so bad, he is willing to try anything, he begs me not to give up on him, he has such shame and guilt for his behaviour, but he won't stop hurting me and lying.

Last night I snapped and kicked him out. He ended up with nowhere to go, threatened suicide, police were involved. My Mother and son live with us, and my daughter nearby. They all want me to leave him (although my son is on the fence). We cannot afford for him to move out and keep the house, so we are trying no contact for 30 days while living in the same house. We need a therapeutic separation but this is all that is available unless we sell the house and I cut my losses and leave. I am also financially dependent, which I now see was by design. I am feeling confused and trapped. I am also conflicted, but feeling like it's time to leave him. I know I trigger him with my anger and rage in response to his betrayal, lying, and my trauma. But I can bury my emotions and after a year of this I am so exhausted and spent. Advice?

[Endtimes]

Hello, this is my first post. I have read many posts from loved ones of pwBPD and I have found few with my experience. I am truly at a loss and looking for advice.

I have been with my husband for 23 years. Our lives/marriage fell apart last year after some revelations about addiction, and he was diagnosed with BPD.

I would like to begin with what my experience was prior to last year. Him and I were best friends, inseparable, so close, great intimacy, such happiness. We had problems like anyone else, most of which I thought were normal, but on top of those problems he head what I thought was an anxiety disorder. We moved to a new city with our children (14 and 21) 3 years ago, and it has been the best years of our marriage. I thought I had a perfect life. Our family relationship and family dynamic was amazing, we all thought so, and others referred to us as a perfect family. Last year I finally got more personal time and all the crises in my life had settled (deaths, illnesses, extended family drama), and so I really focused on my relationship with my husband and noticed things were off. We were becoming more open and intimate and then I noticed weird behaviour and lies. Long story short, I found out he was a porn addict and a shopping addict. So much came out through shear force trickle truth and my life shattered. This man who made me feel like the only woman on Earth, the only woman he had eyes for (which he would say obsessively) was not only watching immense amounts of porn and masturbating at work and taking insane amounts of pills for erectile dysfunction, had also flirted with a 20 year old, thought about cheating on me multiple times, had sexual fantasies (he calls them intrusive thoughts) about his 20 year old employee, turned into a creep on Facebook, and was checking out woman (mostly young) when he would go out. He also spent tens of thousands on so many things from shoes, to fitness equipment, clothes, etc. He hid it all from me! I trusted him more than anyone I knew, I was blindsided and felt like my world would not stop spinning. I now have betrayal trauma and CPTSD. The last year we have been trying to work through things, but he has become so emotionally and psychologically abusive and has threatened to kill himself numerous times if I leave. He can't give me space - actually can't let me be by myself if we have had an argument, has traumatized me and our kids, and has gone off the deep end. I have had to call the police a few times, but he has never physically harmed me. I am shocked, devastated, and confused, and clearly not learning the gravity of my situation quickly enough.

My therapist has called his behaviour parasitic (she has experience with BPD) and our situation not sustainable. He pushes me over the edge because I am already traumatized and he won't stop lying and won't give me space and I am trapped. He is doing DBT and seeing a therapist, but his fear of abandonment is so severe that nothing is helping. I am not helping either. I am now compelled dysregulated. I go from intense rage, to sobbing, to trying to support him and be empathetic (I have loved this man half my life). I have recently realized that I am and have always been in an abusive relationship. But it was all happening so quietly and I thought I was the bad one because I would get angry at him. Manipulation, lies, gaslighting, these things have really messed me up psychologically. He wants to get better so bad, he is willing to try anything, he begs me not to give up on him, he has such shame and guilt for his behaviour, but he won't stop hurting me and lying.

Last night I snapped and kicked him out. He ended up with nowhere to go, threatened suicide, police were involved. My Mother and son live with us, and my daughter nearby. They all want me to leave him (although my son is on the fence). We cannot afford for him to move out and keep the house, so we are trying no contact for 30 days while living in the same house. We need a therapeutic separation but this is all that is available unless we sell the house and I cut my losses and leave. I am also financially dependent, which I now see was by design. I am feeling confused and trapped. I am also conflicted, but feeling like it's time to leave him. I know I trigger him with my anger and rage in response to his betrayal, lying, and my trauma. But I can bury my emotions and after a year of this I am so exhausted and spent. Advice?

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[Horselover]

Hi Endtimes,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

Can you clarify something - for 20 years none of these behaviours were present, and they all appeared last year? That is highly unusual for someone with BPD in my experience (if anyone else has a different experience, let me know). I'm just wondering if he was diagnosed correctly?

[Endtimes]

He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with 8 out of 9 criteria. One therapist who works nearly solely with borderlines and worked with us as a couple, told me he is one of the worst cases he has seen. He also said that my history made me somewhat of a perfect partner for someone with BPD, and that I was primed for gaslighting because of my childhood. The addictions were revealed last year - he had been hiding them for nearly our entire marriage. There were other behaviours present (avoidance of conflict, irrational fear of me cheating) which I chalked up to his severe anxiety. I thought I was helping him manage an anxiety disorder. Looking back now, I realize that there was so much psychological and emotional abuse. He made me feel like I was the problem with our conflict and I slowly started to believe him. When we had arguments, I struggled with anger and often resorted yelling - even worse, I would sometimes resort to name calling. He pointed out my behaviour and I felt so terrible. It took me awhile to see, but when I did, I worked to overcome it and get rid of any anger and try to be more empathetic and accepting. Turns out my anger was protective, on some level I was responding to the abuse I encountered as a child. I am so thankful I had that anger now, I would be an empty shel with nothing left. Looking back, I almost never started angry. I would come to him and try to talk about what he did that hurt me or bothered me. He gaslit me and manipulated me so badly. He never cared about how he hurt me, he just needed to win an argument. He talked in circles until everything became so confused I didn't know what we were arguing about anymore. He has recently admitted to doing that to end arguments and not have to face anything. He learned EVERYTHING about me and preyed on my vulnerabilities. I don't believe it was premeditated. He has controlled so much of my life and I had no idea. I have recently read other people's experiences with a quiet BPD, and what hit me the hardest is when someone said it is like coming out of a fever dream. I trusted him so fully, and he has been lying to me for 20 years. There is clearly something wrong with me - I went from one emotionally abusive relationship in childhood to another in adulthood. I am devastated. I truly thought I was choosing a safe partner, he acted in a completely opposite way to what I was raised with, which made me feel like I was choosing an entirely different life. At times he made me feel so loved and that is the narrative I kept in my head. He seemed to worship the ground I walked on. Yet, now looking back, I always ended up in arguments with him because he never supported me, never stood up for me, let his family treat me like garbage. I overlooked the basic respect that was lacking because he would then love bomb me and make me feel like he would do anything for me. He often did do anything for me. I came to believe that it was anxiety that caused those disrespectful behaviours and a dysfunctional upbringing. There is just so much here. The splitting mostly happened in his head from what I know. He has told me that he always fantasized about being with other people  imagining a perfect and unconditional loving relationship - and then there was porn and Facebook creeping. He is very socially awkward and has likely not had many opportunities if any to cheat, I imagine he would have if he did. I am still trying to find out what is true, he passed a polygraph for infidelity but who knows. I am not sure it matters anymore. He is so mentally ill and traumatizing me and our kids. He is so unstable and paranoid and acting out for any kind of attention or doing anything to stop me from leaving. I am in so much pain, and I am so scared. I built a family and a life with him for 23 years. I am heartbroken to the point I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, and I am also finically dependent on him.