I need help in supporting my pregnant gf with BPD

[very_scared]

Really desperate for help and guidance and not sure where I can find it. (My job doesn't cover mental health expenses, so I've struggled to find a therapist.)

Some background: My gf and I are both in our mid 20s and have been together for about 2 years. We met almost randomly through two different friends-of-friends at a party, and quickly fell for each other. We had nothing but great time in the first months, totally infatuated with each and always with each other, eventually getting a place together. She told me right away that she has numerous mental health problems, including BPD, and sees a therapist every week.

Initially this didn't worry me, as it seemed she had a real handle on these problems and they never came up. But soon after moving in together, she began exhibiting many BPD behaviors, pretty much on a weekly basis, if not multiple times in a week. She would blow up in anger for many different reasons and sob uncontrollably, rejecting any consoling and physically swatting or pushing me away, only to later ask why I gave up in trying to console her. She demanded that I accept these outbursts without taking anything personally, even when she hurls insults at me, mocks me, and accuses me of not caring and being being committed and not being in love with her. I'm constantly characterized as someone I'm not.

I recognized that I was JADE-ing often, which is a concept I only learned about 2 months ago. I would be told that I am somebody who I really don't believe I am, and I would defend myself or try to comfort her by assuring her that I am a better person than how I was being characterized, and that would only make things much worse. I am constantly told to "surrender". I've improved in this quite a bit. Many times throughout the week she will say something mean to me, so easily, like it just flies off her tongue without any thought as to how that could be offensive, even though she would never say that to a stranger or coworker, and I try to tell myself, "She doesn't mean it, it's the BPD". But sometimes I break, and as soon as I do, I'm told that I'm a bad boyfriend, and that if I "really loved" her I would be strong enough to "take it".

Now that she is pregnant, these demands are heightened. I feel bad for her because pregnancy is a lot to deal with, and she has really stressful family issues with her mom and little brother which gets really overwhelming on top of all the physical and hormonal changes. At the same time, the accusations have become worse, while the demands to surrender and take it have increased. So many things she does really hurts my feelings, and when I try to mention it, she gets angrier because I'm "being selfish" and "ignoring" her needs to care about myself more. In arguments she often begs me to be her "emotional caretaker" because she can't but also doesn't want to "regulate raw emotions" like anger.

Last week, she mentioned saving up money to buy a house, and I responded by saying there are a few things I want to happen before I want to start thinking about doing that. This has upset her for the entire week now, and she tells me repeatedly each day that I've "destroyed" our relationship because I'm not "dedicated to building a future together". She says I don't do enough for her as a boyfriend, deeply minimizes everything I do to help around the house ("You think being a chauffeur and building furniture is being a good boyfriend"), as a father-to-be, and that I never cared or loved her or wanted to be together in the future. She seems convinced that I don't care, and convinced that our relationship is tarnished. She says I need to come up with a solution to the harm I've caused, and

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her. I want to be supportive. I know this sounds like a laundry list of red flags, but she has immense care and love inside of her when she isn't upset. There are times where she recognizes that what she is doing to herself and to me.

But I'm really concerned about my own mental health. I constantly feel like a failure and a bad boyfriend, and I feel like a bad father in not being able to give my daughter-to-be's mother what she needs.

I just really don't know what to do, and even more scared that I won't be able to do what's needed. I feel like I'm going to break emotionally if I have to endure more of this. I wish there was a way we could both work on this, but she is resolute in me having to deal with anything she does without any qualification or adjustments on her part. I'm so scared that I won't be supportive or strong enough, and that our relationship will be ruined, that this love I have for her will be spoiled and won't be received or have a place to go, and that I'll have to struggle to be around my daughter in the way I want to be.

Sorry for the long rant. I just really want to know what I can do to be a better boyfriend to someone struggling with BPD, while at the same time making sure I'm mentally OK as well.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her. I want to be supportive. I know this sounds like a laundry list of red flags, but she has immense care and love inside of her when she isn't upset. There are times where she recognizes that what she is doing to herself and to me.

But I'm really concerned about my own mental health. I constantly feel like a failure and a bad boyfriend, and I feel like a bad father in not being able to give my daughter-to-be's mother what she needs.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm very glad you found us.  Hopefully we can help you find some answers.

See the first sentence that I bolded above?  That's the key to all of this.  When her emotions take over, there's no telling what she'll say or how she'll react.  Everything is over the top because that's how she feels in that moment.  And feelings are just as real as the physical stuff in our lives. 

Notice how you ended the sentence...when she isn't upset?  That's what we focus on.  The goal is not to avoid every blow-out or ensure she never "loses it" again, it's to help her calm down when she's disordered.  That's the whole ballgame, everything you need to fix this.

How do you do that? 

Think about your newborn child on the way.  For the first year or so, they can't talk, they're horrible at communicating, and the only sign you get of something being wrong is ear-piercing screams and crying.  What does the baby need?  Is it hungry?  Does it have gas?  Is there a diaper rash or a bug bite you're not seeing?  It could be a hundred things, a thousand even, and at first it feels almost impossible to do anything.

But then you cradle the baby, talk to it in a calm voice, and the baby feels that love.  If you pick up the baby while you're upset, the baby somehow feels that and it gets even more upset.  You're not in this situation yet but I promise all of this is true.  The baby feeds off your emotions way more than you can ever imagine.  So when you're calm and nurturing, the baby relaxes and stops crying.

And this is how you calm your girlfriend down- exact same technique, exact same concept.  Now, she can talk and she's sometimes saying horrible things.  Ignore that stuff as much as you can and think about how you calm an upset baby.  You're not trying to fix the problem, you're just trying to calm her down so she can realize that there was no problem to begin with...or it's a highly managable problem in a calm, balanced mindset.

Now let's look at your 2nd quote.  Your mental health always comes first, regardless of what's happening with your girlfriend.  So if it gets to be too much, walk away.  Simply tell her that you don't want to argue and you're stepping away for a moment to clear your head.  This prevents the situation from getting to the all-out meltdown phases because it takes two people to argue.  So if you don't respond (or respond lovingly when it's not exepcted), then you're not arguing anymore.

Remember how I said that the baby can feel your emotions?  So can your girlfriend, it's like a BPD superpower.  Every movement of your face, your body language, your vocal tone, it's sending signals on how you're feeling in the moment.  Your girlfriend picks up on all of it so if you're saying, "I love you" but your face says, "I'd rather be anywhere but here", then she's going to believe your body language.

So if it gets to be too much, walk away.  Tell her that you love her and you don't want to argue about anything, and you'll be back in xx minutes.

As you learn to better communicate with your girlfriend, things will probably get worse before they get better.  And at times, you will make huge mistakes that leads to an all-out screaming match.  That's okay, you're human.  We all mess up from time to time and these relationships can be extremely unfair.  Either you can figure it out or you won't, but it's good you're trying at least.  So give yourself some credit. 

Also, accept that so much of what she says when she's emotional are just empty words meant to make her feel better in the moment by blaming someone else.  She doesn't mean most of it.  And while it would be great if she didn't say those things in the first place, you still have some control in how you react.  It might be helpful to think about therapy for yourself or a local mental health group, just to have people close that can relate to this.  You have us as well, which is why I'm so glad you posted.

Let me know if any of that resonates!

[very_scared]

Thank you so much Pook.  This was super helpful.

My gf has also brought up caretaking a child as being similar. To a large extent, I understand what this means. But it's helpful to hear what you said, which if I'm interpreting correctly means to truly refrain from taking things personally and being upset in order to actually be a calm source and foundation of support. Most of the time when I think, "think of them like a child who can't help themselves", it's more about excusing their behavior but still being upset by it and trying to bury that feeling, rather than actually overcoming it. Thank you.

One issue I still end up dealing with is that not being sufficient even when I can. I'm often asked to "fix the situation now", especially when I'm far away at work and hardly have time to even look at my phone. I'm often told that I'm "not trying to mend the problem" and "not taking care" of her. I would love for their to be specific things I can do to help other than assure them that I care and love them and hear and understand what they are feeling, but this has shown to be "not good enough".

One the second point: this seems really hard to do. When I try to say I need time to cool down before I say something I regret, she continues to insult me. In times where I've walked away, she's accused me of not caring. I really don't know what to do. I feel like it's my responsibility to fix her being upset with me and her anger towards me, but that nothing I do works, and asking for what would be helpful is met with indignation that I'd even ask.

Thank you.

[Pook075]

Thank you so much Pook.  This was super helpful.

My gf has also brought up caretaking a child as being similar. To a large extent, I understand what this means. But it's helpful to hear what you said, which if I'm interpreting correctly means to truly refrain from taking things personally and being upset in order to actually be a calm source and foundation of support. Most of the time when I think, "think of them like a child who can't help themselves", it's more about excusing their behavior but still being upset by it and trying to bury that feeling, rather than actually overcoming it. Thank you.

As you become a parent, you'll learn that while you absolutely despise some of the things your kid might do, you still love them regardless.  All kids mess up and do incredible dumb or dangerous things at times.  It will drive you insane and you'll have those moments of yelling, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?"  And in the moment, the child might be terrified thinking, "Dad hates me!"  That's where you will need to find the balance of rules, dicipline, and still showing love. 

This is true for your girlfriend as well and why the analogy works.

Should you baby her?  No.  Should you just "let it slide" whenever she insults you?  No.  Go back to that crying baby though.  You can't look at a crying baby and say "stop crying!"  That never works.  First, you calm down the baby and just focus on the baby's temprament. 

The same is true in your case.  You help her calm down.  Later when she's calm is where the lesson comes in at- you really hurt me and that's not okay.

One issue I still end up dealing with is that not being sufficient even when I can. I'm often asked to "fix the situation now", especially when I'm far away at work and hardly have time to even look at my phone. I'm often told that I'm "not trying to mend the problem" and "not taking care" of her. I would love for their to be specific things I can do to help other than assure them that I care and love them and hear and understand what they are feeling, but this has shown to be "not good enough".

Here's the thing though: when your girlfriend is disordered, "fixing the situation" is not about the words coming out of her mouth.  She will insist that it is, of course, because she's mentally ill.  But the true fix is what we've already talked about.  She needs to calm down and stop reacting to everything emotionally.  It's like mixing fire + gasoline when you try to "problem solve" in the heat of the moment.  Whatever you say or do will be wrong because it's not about the actual stuff, it's about her spiraling emotions getting out of control.

What your girlfriend wants is an ally, someone to say, "I get why this is so hard right now and I'm on your side.  We'll fix this together.  Calm down, it's okay.  I've got you."

Now, when you're at work and she's spam-texting, obviously there's many problems there that you can't "fix".  But the more you work on what we've already talked about, the less you're going to get these explosive situations because she's going to be more stable and more trusting. 

All of this is ultimately a trust issue from her mental health thinking that you don't love her, you are going to leave her, etc.  That's "the problem" in 99% of her outbursts, even though she'd never say that.

One the second point: this seems really hard to do. When I try to say I need time to cool down before I say something I regret, she continues to insult me. In times where I've walked away, she's accused me of not caring. I really don't know what to do. I feel like it's my responsibility to fix her being upset with me and her anger towards me, but that nothing I do works, and asking for what would be helpful is met with indignation that I'd even ask.

Is it your responsibility?  Eh, yes and no.  A good partner would do whatever they could to help them calm down, but there has to be a point where you put your own stability above hers.  I'm not saying to walk away every time she yells, because that only makes the problem larger (those thoughts of "he doesn't love me, he's going to leave me").

You should absolutely try to love her and support her through each crisis.  But if you feel like she's gone too far and you need to respond with being ugly, it's better to walk away.  Will she insult you in those times?  At first, yes...because she's unstable and lashing out.  But she was insulting you anyway.

So calm her down if possible, walk away if it's not possible.  But at the same time, you can still be affirming in those moments by saying something like, "I love you and I don't want to argue.  I need a few minutes to calm down."  Notice that's all about you; it's not about accusing her at all. 

If you say, "I love you but you're acting crazy and I can't deal with this," you're going to get explosive fury.  And if you stick around in these situations long enough, you're going to eventually say the worst possible thing because that's what she is doing.  So a strategic retreat while you're still calm is what's best for everyone, even if she protests.

Later, when she's calm, you can affirm that you're there for her and want to help, but the abusive stuff is too much for you at times.  That's not to "put her down" or "put her in her place", it's to talk about your emotional needs and how she makes you feel.

Now, this is ridiculously hard to do right and it's a process over time- not a one-time event and everything is fixed.  You'll have to learn healthy boundaries, leading with compassion when you're getting hate, and so many other skills.  It is super difficult and it's why most of these relationships fail.  The odds are against you because this is a selfless way to love.  But if you truly love her and can't live without her, then it's the only path that works long-term.

I wish you luck, my friend, and please keep asking the tough questions.  We may not have the answer every time, but we can certainly talk it out anyway.

[very_scared]

Thanks Pook. It seems like I can't do anything to calm her down at all, but I've seen that if I remain calm, that at least won't make things worse. But it's so hard to be reassuring and calming when they tell me "you're just lying", "you're only trying to make me feel better, you actually don't believe what you're saying". By now I've learned to avoid using the actual word "calm" because that enrages them.

I'm not sure what to do -- when I try letting them know that I empathize with how the feel about their distrust in me and the relationship, I only get vague demands to "get" them back and to "convince" them that I care, while refusing to actually say what would make them regain their trust.

Just seems like I'm incapable of calming them down no matter what I do.

[Pook075]

Thanks Pook. It seems like I can't do anything to calm her down at all, but I've seen that if I remain calm, that at least won't make things worse. But it's so hard to be reassuring and calming when they tell me "you're just lying", "you're only trying to make me feel better, you actually don't believe what you're saying". By now I've learned to avoid using the actual word "calm" because that enrages them.

I'm not sure what to do -- when I try letting them know that I empathize with how the feel about their distrust in me and the relationship, I only get vague demands to "get" them back and to "convince" them that I care, while refusing to actually say what would make them regain their trust.

Just seems like I'm incapable of calming them down no matter what I do.

Here's the thing, you're still focused on the words she's saying.  That's not the real problem.

For instance, last year I was weed whacking around trees and got too close to a wasp nest.  They absolutely lit me up on the ear, the forehead, the nose, the back of my neck.  And immediately, involuntarily, I drop the weed whacker and start to flee while I'm saying God knows what out of my mouth.  I was cussing and yelling and panicking all at once.  I have zero clue what I actually said though...but my neightbor did.

Maybe 30 minutes later, a neighbor came to check on me because she said it looked like I was having a nervous breakdown.  She saw all the welts on my face and we both laughed, and then she told me a few of the choice cuss words and other things I shouted out to the world.  That's not me at all, I generally don't cuss.

In this example, whatever I said was not the problem- the 20+ wasp stings were the problem. 

Mental pain works the exact same way- you can't see it, you don't know what brought it on, and your first reaction is to "fix things", even though the communication makes it hard to find the actual problem.  Don't get pulled in by the words, they're misleading and just emotional babble most of the time.  Focus on the emotions instead.

Again, this is IMPOSSIBLY HARD and there's no easy answers or methods.  But it can be accomplished over time if you have the patience to learn and grow.

[Notwendy]

I think your user name is a realistic one- feeling scared is understandable. You are about to become a father, your GF has emotional needs, and this is a lot. I will share some points of perspective- as an adult daughter of a mother with BPD, and also a mother myself-and my children are adults now too.

That your GF is exhibiting more BPD behaviors since you moved in together and she's pregnant is not due to anything you did "wrong" or that you aren't being "good enough". It may also not be entirely hormones/pregnancy. It's a function of BPD which affects the closest relationships the most- so moving in together advanced the relationship in this direction. Hormones and pregnancy can affect mood and how someone feels but how much this is BPD and how much is the pregnancy, one won't know at the moment. On your part- know that you haven't "failed" to be a good BF because of this.

The baby analogy is similar, on an emotional level, however, your GF is not a baby. She's an adult, albeit one with BPD that makes it difficult to manage emotions. Learning to self soothe, to manage emotions, is an ongoing childhood task. BPD makes that more difficult but soon you will have an actual baby. That baby, at first, will be completely dependent on parents for everything, including soothing them when they are upset. The baby can not be left alone at all, and needs 24/7 care, but adults do not. Childhood is an 18 year or so transition between these two stages.

One early task this baby will have is learning to go to sleep. We rock babies to sleep, but eventually, the advice is to rock them at bedtime but put them in their crib slightly drowsy, not fully asleep, and let them learn to soothe themselves to sleep even if they fuss for a few moments. (if they are screaming, distressed, that's a different situation). Babies wake up several times a night to feed at first, which is normal baby care, and a temporary time of sleep disruption for parents,  but if the baby become always dependent on parents to get to sleep, and can't soothe themselves- then the parents are woken with crying way past that stage. The baby is fine- this won't hurt the baby- the older baby/toddler can sleep whenever they want. It's the parents, who will have sleep deprivation- and they have to be awake to function during the day.

I am pointing this out because, while this is a developmental skill that a baby needs to learn, it's the caregiver, the parent who also needs the baby to have this skill, because if the baby doesn't have it- they are the ones paying the "physical" cost of losing sleep, past the time when the baby needs to be fed at night.

Another emotional regulation skill is to learn to manage emotions when not getting what they want. Toddlers don't have this yet, but they still rely on parents to make decisions for them. A toddler may ask for cookies for dinner, and the parent will say no- because that is not a nutritious dinner. The toddler will tantrum. They will cry, kick on the floor, and possibly say "you are a bad Daddy".

Which is the best "good Dad" decision? Give the toddler the cookie, the toddler calms down, decides you are a nice Dad. Then learns that this behavior works to get them cookies for dinner, and keeps on tantruming.

Or- the Dad knows he's a good Dad, no matter what the toddler says, and says no, dinner is meat and vegetables, and lets the toddler tantrum and learn that this behavior doesn't work. Eventually the toddler outgrows the behavior.

What makes a good parent?  Acting in the child's best interest, not according to the child's feelings. If the child directed their care - parents would be up all night, meals would consist of ice cream and cookies, and the house would be filled with toys and messy. Good parents provide age appropriate boundaries, and decide in the best interest for the child, even if the child tantrums.

Every human needs boundaries. One of the main ones is knowing - what is "me" what isn't "me". We determine who we are. For instance, you know you are a human, a male, how tall you are, and things about you, like your favorite foods, sports team, and your ethics. If we look to other people to decide who we are- then we don't have a solid sense of self boundary.

If you look to your GF feelings to decide your "goodness" then this will change according to her feelings. If your child, as a toddler, says you are a bad Dad because you don't let them have cookies for dinner- you know that isn't true, just because they said it during a tantrum.

For a pwBPD- their feelings feel like facts. They also tend to project their feelings, have black and white thinking. It may not be possible for you to be consistently a "good BF" in their thinking, and if you look to their feelings to decide your goodness, it may not be consistently attainable.

You need to have this boundary of what determines your "goodness". It's not perfection. You are human and humans aren't perfect all the time. Being available to your GF at all times to help her calm down isn't realistic. You need to work your job, you need sleep and time to yourself to take care of you. You are not a bad BF for taking care of your basic human needs.

One aspect of being a good father is to provide for your baby. The baby can't earn a living and babies need diapers, health care, housing, and more- these cost money. Your job is a necessity. You are not a bad BF for having a boundary to not be available while you are at work. Pook is correct in that you can't try to reason with your GF when she's in the middle of her emotional distress, but when she's calmer, later, you can say "I need to focus on my job during the day. I will check my phone at lunch, but otherwise I can not be available". This is not unreasonable. What if you were a surgeon or a pilot- would you stop the operation or plane to answer the phone? People need to focus on their jobs.

You aren't a bad BF- you are human and with a lot on your plate. Soon, you will have a baby, in addition to your GF who will need you, and so, it's necessary to have boundaries for your own well being and also for the sake of the child who will truly be dependent on you. We don't tell posters to stay or leave. I will say that each decision is a challenging one. One isn't the "better person" if they stay or leave- each makes the best decision possible in their circumstances.

They say on a plane "put your oxygen mask on first". The parent needs to be OK in order to take care of the baby or anyone else. The baby needs you to be an emotionally intact and functional father. You also can decide what you need to do to preserve your own emotional health. You are the one to decide which is the situation in which you can do that.

[Notwendy]

I mention the baby self soothing and toddler tantrum because they apply to your GF as well. The task of parenting requires both meeting the child's emotional needs and allowing them to gain developmental tasks. A toddler tantrum is similar to when a pwBPD disregulates, and what they say or think about you in the moment does not define whether or not you are a good BF or good parent.

Of course we all turn to our partners for emotional support and that's part of it but being available 24/7 to soothe another adult isn't realistic. Having reasonable boundaries doesn't make you a bad BF.