Here we go again...

[Intotheforest]

So, I have been off this board for a while. I have a sibling who I suspect has uBPD and uNCD - or at least has behavioral patterns that reflect these disorders. I have personally worked through all the things with her and with my family (who enable her), and a big part of that was establishing clear boundaries with her and her family and developing independent relationships with other family members. There are so many things, but the gist is that she is always in a battle - and the battles are always huge. She is at the center as a hero fighting for the morally just. She has been victimized and then comes out fighting like hell. The pattern has repeated itself the last forty years, with increasingly high stakes. She involves and sometimes centers her kids in these battles, to the point that they see her as their savior. And I have to say, they have been through some really tough stuff. And there are times she's perfectly pleasant. So there are times, not as many as there used to be, that I wonder if my boundaries are appropriate and I question if I am just being cold-hearted by not running to her aid when the next battle comes up. That's where I'm at now. She just got done with one major battle last year, had a couple smaller ones pop up, iced another sibling out of family gatherings (like she did me), and is starting up a whole new battle that everyone in the family is gearing up to run to support her in it again. And once again, I feel like a jerk. This battle (and most of hers) has always had some merit, so of course I want to support where I can, but like all things, it is taken to the absolute extreme. But, then I'm reminded of all the manipulation, narrative re-structuring, idealizing and devaluing of me in particular, insistence that I said and did things I never did, extreme claims, memories of her emotional responses to facts rather than facts themselves, telling me I deserve to suffer, and all the grandiose claims. I have worked through all of the past hurts, have established and maintained strong boundaries despite the fact that the rest of the family does not acknowledge her behavior as problematic. I think I've come to realize that I am responding to the behavioral pattern and the rest of my siblings are responding to each battle as they come up. I've always said I want her to have peace in her life. I don't know. Feeling gross because here we go again.

[Intotheforest]

It's the never-ending battle mode for me - and the expectation that with each new battle, everyone comes running with unconditional, unquestioning loyalty - and the anger when you fail to respond unquestioningly. And, the ways your hesitation to blindly accept is met by others as a character flaw. On repeat. Couple that with the fact that you want to be supportive in the moment from battle to battle, but recognize that this exacerbates pattern that is harmful to all involved. So you get to be the bad guy. On repeat. Yuck.