What we can control

[wantmorepeace]

Some discussions on the boards and my own struggles have led me to think about the amount of time I spend thinking about my ubpd sibling vs. the amount of time I spend thinking about myself.  That she is disordered, there is no doubt, and that it is extremely challenging to have a loved in in those circumstances, there is also no doubt.  And it's good to have that validated.  But sometimes I think the amount of time I spend focused on that indicates that I haven't really accepted that she is not going to change.  Moreover, I spend so much time wondering what she is going to do next (and worrying about how I will respond) and so little time thinking about what I want in this situation.

[Methuen]

Great insight!  You made such good points! 

So...what do you think YOU can do about this, that is within your control?

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you for that million-dollar question, Methuen.  And thank you for asking it today when I'm really struggling with this.  The best I can come up with is the following:

-Calm myself physically -- with aroma therapy, meditation, calming teas, hand lotion, throwing myself into my work for awhile
-Calm myself by talking to myself and telling myself that:
         -it is critical for me to put myself first,
         -I have good judgment,
         -I have the ability to know what I want and need,
         - I can be a caring person without being a caretaker
         - at the end of the day, one specific choice doesn't matter that much
         - I can handle whatever happens
-Separating the first question of what I want from the second question of what I want to do to get it
- Waiting until later and at a calm point to ask myself again what I want and what I want to do to get it

What do you do to focus on what you want?  What do other people do?

[Notwendy]

I have an idea of what may be going on. Our pwBPD has been hurtful emotionally- in some cases, physically, but emotionally - especially if we have grown up with them, it's hard to feel safe with their presence, even at a distance.

Our world has changed over millenium but our bodies are still similar to our cave ancestors and how we respond to perceived danger is similar. It serves a purpose. It kept us alive and safe.

So while you aren't in a cave and your sister isn't a hungry bear- your body reacts to this in a similar way.  If this were the situation, all your attention would be on that bear and what it is going to do next, all the while you are planning on how to stay safe- stay in the cave? Run?

You are in flight and fight mode, hypervigilant. There's no thinking about what you want- you are primed for survival. To be able to get to that, you need to be in a place where you feel safe and your body feels safe enough to take your focus off the bear.

While we feel we should be able to control this, it's not something we can control- it's how our nervous system responds to fear and danger. Rather than expect to control this, for me, I have learned to recognize it. While it seemed irrational that I felt fearful of my 90 lb elderly BPD mother, she had tremendous emotional power in the family and could be hurtful, and we weren't always grown adults and an adult can be scary to a child. For a sibling- they can also be emotionally hurtful. While as an adult, I could understand that my mother had BPD and mentally be rational about her- emotionally- I still felt some fear around her.

The way I can get to thinking about what I want is to get to a place where I can feel safe. Although I enjoy company and am grateful for my family- I also have need for alone time. Another way I managed in my family of origin was to make sure everyone else's needs were met- it was emotional survival, so it's difficult for me to turn that focus on to myself if other people are around- even if they don't expect anything from me.

So, if I can be by myself and able to focus on what I want- I can begin to figure it out. But it's also not something I am accustomed to doing, so it may take some practice. Start with little things- what TV show to watch, what flavor ice cream do I like, what activities to try. Maybe some people are able to experience this growing up and already know but if this wasn't our focus, or tendency, we may still need to figure this out.

Find a way to feel safe. Even if you know your sister isn't a hungry bear, emotionally, you may be reacting as if she is. Spend some time getting to know you- a walk in the park, listening to music. Reconnect with "you".

Therapy can help too, and techniques like EMDR if needed. Yoga, meditation, these are known to be helpful too.

[Pook075]

That basically became my life motto maybe 20 years ago- focus on what I can personally control, and let everything else go.  If it's not something I can fix, change, or influence, then I refuse to dedicate an ounce of energy in that direction.  I simply shurg my shoulders and say, "Oh well, that's their problem."

For my BPD daughter, I can completely relate because I spent so many years wondering the exact same thing- what will she do next?  Today I accept it though, she will always say or do things I won't like. 

Can I control it?  No.  So why even think about it?  Why let it ruin my day?

The most important thing I've learned in my lifetime is to let go of things I was never meant to carry on my shoulders.  Once I finally got there, I realized that I suddenly had a stress-free life that was pretty darn enjoyable. 

I'll help the BPDs in my life if possible but not at my own expense anymore.  Those days are far in the rearview mirror.