What we can control

[wantmorepeace]

Some discussions on the boards and my own struggles have led me to think about the amount of time I spend thinking about my ubpd sibling vs. the amount of time I spend thinking about myself.  That she is disordered, there is no doubt, and that it is extremely challenging to have a loved in in those circumstances, there is also no doubt.  And it's good to have that validated.  But sometimes I think the amount of time I spend focused on that indicates that I haven't really accepted that she is not going to change.  Moreover, I spend so much time wondering what she is going to do next (and worrying about how I will respond) and so little time thinking about what I want in this situation.

[Methuen]

Great insight!  You made such good points! 

So...what do you think YOU can do about this, that is within your control?

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you for that million-dollar question, Methuen.  And thank you for asking it today when I'm really struggling with this.  The best I can come up with is the following:

-Calm myself physically -- with aroma therapy, meditation, calming teas, hand lotion, throwing myself into my work for awhile
-Calm myself by talking to myself and telling myself that:
         -it is critical for me to put myself first,
         -I have good judgment,
         -I have the ability to know what I want and need,
         - I can be a caring person without being a caretaker
         - at the end of the day, one specific choice doesn't matter that much
         - I can handle whatever happens
-Separating the first question of what I want from the second question of what I want to do to get it
- Waiting until later and at a calm point to ask myself again what I want and what I want to do to get it

What do you do to focus on what you want?  What do other people do?

[Notwendy]

I have an idea of what may be going on. Our pwBPD has been hurtful emotionally- in some cases, physically, but emotionally - especially if we have grown up with them, it's hard to feel safe with their presence, even at a distance.

Our world has changed over millenium but our bodies are still similar to our cave ancestors and how we respond to perceived danger is similar. It serves a purpose. It kept us alive and safe.

So while you aren't in a cave and your sister isn't a hungry bear- your body reacts to this in a similar way.  If this were the situation, all your attention would be on that bear and what it is going to do next, all the while you are planning on how to stay safe- stay in the cave? Run?

You are in flight and fight mode, hypervigilant. There's no thinking about what you want- you are primed for survival. To be able to get to that, you need to be in a place where you feel safe and your body feels safe enough to take your focus off the bear.

While we feel we should be able to control this, it's not something we can control- it's how our nervous system responds to fear and danger. Rather than expect to control this, for me, I have learned to recognize it. While it seemed irrational that I felt fearful of my 90 lb elderly BPD mother, she had tremendous emotional power in the family and could be hurtful, and we weren't always grown adults and an adult can be scary to a child. For a sibling- they can also be emotionally hurtful. While as an adult, I could understand that my mother had BPD and mentally be rational about her- emotionally- I still felt some fear around her.

The way I can get to thinking about what I want is to get to a place where I can feel safe. Although I enjoy company and am grateful for my family- I also have need for alone time. Another way I managed in my family of origin was to make sure everyone else's needs were met- it was emotional survival, so it's difficult for me to turn that focus on to myself if other people are around- even if they don't expect anything from me.

So, if I can be by myself and able to focus on what I want- I can begin to figure it out. But it's also not something I am accustomed to doing, so it may take some practice. Start with little things- what TV show to watch, what flavor ice cream do I like, what activities to try. Maybe some people are able to experience this growing up and already know but if this wasn't our focus, or tendency, we may still need to figure this out.

Find a way to feel safe. Even if you know your sister isn't a hungry bear, emotionally, you may be reacting as if she is. Spend some time getting to know you- a walk in the park, listening to music. Reconnect with "you".

Therapy can help too, and techniques like EMDR if needed. Yoga, meditation, these are known to be helpful too.

[Pook075]

That basically became my life motto maybe 20 years ago- focus on what I can personally control, and let everything else go.  If it's not something I can fix, change, or influence, then I refuse to dedicate an ounce of energy in that direction.  I simply shurg my shoulders and say, "Oh well, that's their problem."

For my BPD daughter, I can completely relate because I spent so many years wondering the exact same thing- what will she do next?  Today I accept it though, she will always say or do things I won't like. 

Can I control it?  No.  So why even think about it?  Why let it ruin my day?

The most important thing I've learned in my lifetime is to let go of things I was never meant to carry on my shoulders.  Once I finally got there, I realized that I suddenly had a stress-free life that was pretty darn enjoyable. 

I'll help the BPDs in my life if possible but not at my own expense anymore.  Those days are far in the rearview mirror.

[wantmorepeace]

I
You are in flight and fight mode, hypervigilant. There's no thinking about what you want- you are primed for survival. To be able to get to that, you need to be in a place where you feel safe and your body feels safe enough to take your focus off the bear.

While we feel we should be able to control this, it's not something we can control- it's how our nervous system responds to fear and danger. Rather than expect to control this, for me, I have learned to recognize it. While it seemed irrational that I felt fearful of my 90 lb elderly BPD mother, she had tremendous emotional power in the family and could be hurtful, and we weren't always grown adults and an adult can be scary to a child. For a sibling- they can also be emotionally hurtful. While as an adult, I could understand that my mother had BPD and mentally be rational about her- emotionally- I still felt some fear around her.

The way I can get to thinking about what I want is to get to a place where I can feel safe.

This is exactly it.

[Methuen]

The best I can come up with is the following:

-Calm myself physically -- with aroma therapy, meditation, calming teas, hand lotion, throwing myself into my work for awhile
-Calm myself by talking to myself and telling myself that:
         -it is critical for me to put myself first,
         -I have good judgment,
         -I have the ability to know what I want and need,
         - I can be a caring person without being a caretaker
         - at the end of the day, one specific choice doesn't matter that much
         - I can handle whatever happens
-Separating the first question of what I want from the second question of what I want to do to get it
- Waiting until later and at a calm point to ask myself again what I want and what I want to do to get it

You are doing great!  This is a fantastic start!  You have figured out that the first thing you need to do is find your own calm.  Easier said than done, but definitely the way to find the peace you are looking for.

What do you do to focus on what you want?  What do other people do?I

I walk or hike or go into nature first.  I can't focus on what I want until my nervous system calms down.  (I once had a therapist who told me she didn't want me to have any contact with my mom for at least two weeks, which she said I needed to let my amygdala calm down.) 

Do you have access to nature?  I can't say enough about the calming, soothing, and restorative effects of nature.  I go into forest trails in old growth forests, and it's just something that needs to be experienced to be believed.  When I get back from one of those walks, I can actually think again.  And my nervous system is calmed.  I am more optimistic.  More hopeful.  More myself.

Salt baths also work. Maybe a spa treatment?

I think the key is to do something sensory that you enjoy.  I remember there used to be a poster on this board who would go swimming. I believe the "sensory" piece is key.  So aromatherapy, biking or running (feeling the wind on your face), cuddling with the pet dog etc etc.

Once my nervous system is back to baseline, I can think again, and the rational part of my brain can do its job and I can decide what I can control which is mostly what I need to do in my own life, rather than getting wrapped up in my head and ruminating about the chaos cloud and drama surrounding my pwBPD. When that happens, it's the emotional brain that has taken over, and that's the cue to do what YOU need to do to get yourself back to baseline.  Because ultimately, that's the only thing you can control.

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you! I’m struck by the therapist saying it takes two weeks for your system to recover. A friend keeps telling me that I’m underestimating how hard this is.

To all who responded, I will give myself more time, more grace and — when it’s not crazy hot — more nature!

[wantmorepeace]

Folks,

How have you moved from lots of contact to low contact or low contact to no contact?

Thanks!

[Notwendy]

This is my own experience with LC/NC and a family member. In some cases, it is necessary- and I don't judge anyone for doing it if it is the right thing for them. In my own experience though- it's not a solution when that family member is also connected closely to other family members and you still want contact with the other family- because the person you wish to avoid will be a part of that unit.

It also is abrupt, and sometimes this can cause a reaction from the pwBPD, who can also solicit other family members to "their side". Rarely in a family is the issue with just one person. Other members may be rescuers/enablers.

My only and short failed consideration of NC with my BPD mother was in college when a counselor suggested it- for good reason- issues were making it hard for me to focus on my studies and affecting me academically and emotionally. BPD was not really well known at the time. I'm sure that hearing about my mother's behavior was significant enough for the counselor to suggest it.

I tried but still wanted contact with my father, and they were a pair If I wanted contact with him it would have to include her.

It was many years later that I learned about BPD and the family dynamics. In your situation, going NC with your sister is likely to include other family members acting as rescuers, including possibly your parents. You don't want to cut contact with your entire family.

LC for me was not just less frequency of contact but the content of the contact. It meant not sharing personal or emotional information, avoiding circular and emotional discussions. I think a good approach is to not make a statement or anouncement, but a "slow fade" to both frequency and content of communications. She might call, and you can be busy. Or she starts with emotional content or accusation and you say "I need to go, someone is at the door, or you have an appointment, or whatever non emotional reason to get off the phone. You don't call as often or not at all.

One of my guides for content is- if it were on the evening news, would you care? So I might say "child's soccer team won today" "I saw this great movie" rather than to have a personal emotional topic. If she asks personal info- then say "I don't know or it's not important" or some deflection, or get off the phone. There still is contact, but the content is less emotional, less reactive, less drama. 

[Methuen]

I think a good approach is to not make a statement or anouncement, but a "slow fade" to both frequency and content of communications.

I strongly agree with this to NOT make a statement or announcement, but instead take the "slow fade" approach.

Communicating that you are "taking a break" or going NC is going to trigger their "feelings of abandonment" (which is at the root of BPD), which will result in a strong reaction that could have unexpected, and difficult outcomes and consequences that you could not possibly foresee in advance.

I've been on this board since 2018, and can't think of a time where anyone posted about this actually working. Of course maybe it's possible I have a selective memory?  If anyone has stories of this working it would be interesting to hear about them.  The stories I remember are about the reactions.

The slow fade is the approach I personally took, but I maintained measured and limited contact as I was able.  There were brief periods where I had to block her, but I never told her I was doing that. She would have gone nuclear, and I wasn't going to do that to myself.  I just simply couldn't answer or respond to what I couldn't see or hear.  To be fair, my husband supported me by taking over jobs that I used to do for my geriatric mom (buy her groceries, take her to appointments), so that helped to minimize the effect of my slow fade on her emotions.

Interestingly, when he took over, she simply turned her attention to him with her meaningless prattle.  One day she reported to him that she had her toenails done.  She used to send me that stuff, but it stopped when he took over the tasks I used to do. He almost sent a response that he had an itch on his butt, but I stopped him (don't engage).

That spoke volumes about her attachment (of mother) to me (daughter), or rather, lack of it, and was a HUGE eye opener.  A lot of puzzle pieces around her relationships fell into place after that.

But I digress.  I'm a big fan of "slow fade".  By announcing it, a huge target appears on your back, and possibly amplifies the drama.

Perhaps others disagree. There could be reasons to announce it.  But personally I am conflict adverse, and prefer to avoid being the target.

[Notwendy]

The slow fade is the approach I personally took, but I maintained measured and limited contact as I was able.  There were brief periods where I had to block her, but I never told her I was doing that. She would have gone nuclear, and I wasn't going to do that to myself. 

I'm a big fan of "slow fade".  By announcing it, a huge target appears on your back, and possibly amplifies the drama

I didn't go NC but when I began to have boundaries with my parents- the result was their escalating. This was an early attempt and I didn't expect the reaction, because I wasn't being rude or disrespectful.

I had concerns for my father's well being when he was ill, as I could see that BPD mother's behavior was escalating. I also had concerns about how BPD mother would (mis) manage their money if Dad was unable to. I tried to assist.  They refused. When my parents didn't allow me to assist, I emailed my father to please get someone he trusted to assist them. The email was respectful (I've re-read it several times) and with the intent to please get help if they didn't want me to do it.

Somehow that email became "evidence" to BPD mother of me abandoning them, resulting in them deciding I had disappointed them as a daughter.

I learned that communicating a boundary directly to BPD mother could potentially be misinterpreted in a different way, and from her victim perspective, used as some kind of "evidence of wrongdoing" on my part when none was intended or done.

My "LC" was less about how often to contact but more about the content of our communications and my own behavior. Boundaries are about us, not the other person. The idea of slow fade was to not make sudden moves in terms of less communication, but to lessen the emotional content of it, and also to be less emotionally reactive to BPD mother.

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you all.  Long story short, I did decide to state a break a couple of days ago, before I had read these responses. For various reasons it seemed like the right thing to do. Now I don’t know. There was immediate nasty pushback but none since. But I am finding myself anxiety-ridden about when to reconnect, having made a bad decision, etc. I’m trying to talk myself through it, ie that I’m going my best in a hard situation. And I’m trying breathing and other calming techniques. Not working great. Wish I could just be asleep!!

[wantmorepeace]

I should mention too that in my case parents are gone and no other siblings so I don’t have those dynamics to deal with. My own family is supportive.

[Notwendy]

There’s no one way to do this and you didn’t make a bad decision. It was a learning curve for me- I think there’s backlash to boundaries no matter what- and it’s hard to start doing things differently. It feels “wrong” because it is different from what we have been doing, but change isn’t perfect- it’s all learning. Although I share here what I learned - we learn from the experience.

It’s ok - really -  learning and changing.

[Methuen]

Thank you all.  Long story short, I did decide to state a break a couple of days ago, before I had read these responses. For various reasons it seemed like the right thing to do. Now I don’t know. There was immediate nasty pushback but none since. But I am finding myself anxiety-ridden about when to reconnect, having made a bad decision, etc. I’m trying to talk myself through it, ie that I’m going my best in a hard situation. And I’m trying breathing and other calming techniques. Not working great. Wish I could just be asleep!!

Don't beat yourself up because of the nasty pushback.  Remember that she is disordered, so trying different strategies to see what could work makes some sense.  It's like a new parent that has to try different strategies with their little one in "terrible two's" to figure out what works for them and the child.  You're just trying things.  It's ok.  Don't beat yourself up for it, and there is no "wrong" decision.  Just different things to try.  It's early still, and time will tell how well/poorly this worked out. Then you can note it, and put it in the memory bank either way. Bottom line is you are doing your best in a difficult situation and learning how best to take care of yourself.  

Have you tried splashing your face with cold water?  That actually didn't work for me, so I filled the bathroom sink with cold water, took a big breath, and plunged my face in it for as long as I could stand it.  Remarkably, this worked quite well.  It kind of shocks your body to reconnect with the mind, and get out of your own head.

Another thing that works for me is physical activity - moderate to intense, or a long walk in nature (an old growth forest trail works miracles for me) or a walk on a tidal beach (it's the repetitive sound of the surf that does magic for the nervous system).

Hang in there WMP, these feelings will settle.  Just keep taking care of yourself, because that is what is needed for them to settle.

As for being anxiety ridden about when to connect.  You are focussing on the future.  Is that really helping you right now?  Ruminating about stuff from the past on what got you here isn't going to help either.  Focus instead on just the present - what you are doing to take care of yourself now, and your daily life.  

With help from my T's, I learned with time and practice that the time for me to reconnect was when I was feeling better (safe and back at baseline).  Reconnecting when we are stressed, or still resentful, angry, hurt or otherwise distressed, isn't the time.  Feel better first.  Does that make sense and seem reasonable?