I never thought it would go this far. I am now officially in the 'destroy' stage

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I experienced 'discard' just a few weeks ago, and at the suggestion of our former couples therapist, began exploring a little around relationships with BPD individuals. What I found was enlightening, very saddening, and in some cases, reassuringly predictable. It fit a little too neatly to be coincidence.

I have found one of the hardest aspects of the discard being how I was left to 'hold' the entire relationship; not just the chaos of our 18 months together, but the suddenness of the ending, the way I was characterised in that ending, and the cauterisation. I understand a little more now about the wound in myself that may have created and contributed to what happened, but both things can be true - it was a lot to bear.

In time, I came to a place where I felt very strongly that I wanted to reclaim a part of myself. I felt bullied; abused. I decided to take a couple of actions which I remain pleased I did, even though they had varying degrees of difficult consequences.

I felt very sad that I never got to say goodbye. I had a sense of what was going on, and like many, I had been told in the aftermath of the discard, explicitly, "don't contact me again and throw away my stuff. I don't want it". But the goodbye felt important to me. I knew the response I would get, which I am sure if you're on this subreddit you can probably guess, and that's exactly what happened.

She had a lot of stuff at my house, some of which was, I knew, important to her. It predated our relationship. Some of it was decades old. I didn't want to spend a painful journey throwing it all away, and it wasn't my responsibility to do so. So, I carefully packaged it and had it couriered to her house. This was, unsurprisingly, "harassment".

After a couple of weeks and some intense therapy, I have been feeling bullied. Like I wanted to stand up for myself. Again, I had a sense of what the response might be and that even if I chose my words very carefully - and I did, of course - that sending an email telling her I had spent a large part of our relationship afraid of her anger was likely not going to end well. But it felt important to me, for my integrity. I'm aware I sound like an idiot. But I'm also guessing if you're reading this you've been there or similar.

The response was catastrophic. A single email was met with four responses within an hour and a half, and then messages to my friends and family telling them I was abusive, she was worried about my mental health, and she would be making a complaint about me to my professional body (I am a therapist) and possibly to the police. My email was a "tirade" and "astonishing". Every accusation, as per usual, a painful projection.

I am not worried about complaints particularly. The nature of the relationship speaks for itself, and I have everything saved.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm very shaken up. I have had to make the difficult decision to protect myself, and report it to the police as 'information only'. I don't want her to get into trouble, and I have a sense of what that kind of escalation might do to someone in a fragile state. I couldn't live with that on my conscience.

But I am not sorry I did it, and I am not sorry I told my truth. I'm going to guess many of you have felt the same as me coming out the other side of those relationships - small, battered, afraid. I just wanted to perhaps offer this thread as a place where strength could be shared. Perhaps you're not as stupid as me, and prefer to keep yourself to yourself. No contact is the best way forward, and make no mistake - I've said my piece now.

Thank you, if you've read this far.

[orangesodas]

I experienced 'discard' just a few weeks ago, and at the suggestion of our former couples therapist, began exploring a little around relationships with BPD individuals. What I found was enlightening, very saddening, and in some cases, reassuringly predictable. It fit a little too neatly to be coincidence.

I have found one of the hardest aspects of the discard being how I was left to 'hold' the entire relationship; not just the chaos of our 18 months together, but the suddenness of the ending, the way I was characterised in that ending, and the cauterisation. I understand a little more now about the wound in myself that may have created and contributed to what happened, but both things can be true - it was a lot to bear.

In time, I came to a place where I felt very strongly that I wanted to reclaim a part of myself. I felt bullied; abused. I decided to take a couple of actions which I remain pleased I did, even though they had varying degrees of difficult consequences.

I felt very sad that I never got to say goodbye. I had a sense of what was going on, and like many, I had been told in the aftermath of the discard, explicitly, "don't contact me again and throw away my stuff. I don't want it". But the goodbye felt important to me. I knew the response I would get, which I am sure if you're on this subreddit you can probably guess, and that's exactly what happened.

She had a lot of stuff at my house, some of which was, I knew, important to her. It predated our relationship. Some of it was decades old. I didn't want to spend a painful journey throwing it all away, and it wasn't my responsibility to do so. So, I carefully packaged it and had it couriered to her house. This was, unsurprisingly, "harassment".

After a couple of weeks and some intense therapy, I have been feeling bullied. Like I wanted to stand up for myself. Again, I had a sense of what the response might be and that even if I chose my words very carefully - and I did, of course - that sending an email telling her I had spent a large part of our relationship afraid of her anger was likely not going to end well. But it felt important to me, for my integrity. I'm aware I sound like an idiot. But I'm also guessing if you're reading this you've been there or similar.

The response was catastrophic. A single email was met with four responses within an hour and a half, and then messages to my friends and family telling them I was abusive, she was worried about my mental health, and she would be making a complaint about me to my professional body (I am a therapist) and possibly to the police. My email was a "tirade" and "astonishing". Every accusation, as per usual, a painful projection.

I am not worried about complaints particularly. The nature of the relationship speaks for itself, and I have everything saved.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm very shaken up. I have had to make the difficult decision to protect myself, and report it to the police as 'information only'. I don't want her to get into trouble, and I have a sense of what that kind of escalation might do to someone in a fragile state. I couldn't live with that on my conscience.

But I am not sorry I did it, and I am not sorry I told my truth. I'm going to guess many of you have felt the same as me coming out the other side of those relationships - small, battered, afraid. I just wanted to perhaps offer this thread as a place where strength could be shared. Perhaps you're not as stupid as me, and prefer to keep yourself to yourself. No contact is the best way forward, and make no mistake - I've said my piece now.

Thank you, if you've read this far.

[PeteWitsend]

Well, sorry you're going through all that.  I think, for me, the biggest thing I learned was that there are individuals who fit into this sort of thing.  What I mean by that, is that I knew there were mentally ill people, but I assumed everyone who was not mentally ill was at least "normal" in that you could trust them and they would see things the same way you do on some level. 

Learning about BPD (and cluster-B behavioral disorders in general) ended that view for me.  But in a way, it was beneficial insofar as it did explain a lot.  People that I knew that were fundamentally dishonest, and I had a hard time understanding why they were like that, well, maybe they were NPD or BPD? 

I think you need to realize that when you engage with this person, their response is not going to be the same thing you expect.  Their thinking is disordered, (and often paranoid) and so whereas you may be sending an email seeking closure and some answers, they are possibly assuming you're trying to blame them for something or attack them. 

Also prepare for them to try to come back into your life in a very indirect, and possibly aggressive way; for example, for her to suddenly demand her things back and blame you for disposing of them.  Or to attempt to reconnect and pretend like nothing ever happened. 

Think through how you'd deal with these things, but again, remember that if she's BPD, she is mentally disordered, and you would never be able to trust that the things she's saying are true or candid.  If you decide to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD, you would have to embrace the chaos; you will not be able to "fix" them and have the sort of relationship you want. 

[ForeverDad]

There are a few points I am known for making and one of them is that we seldom find Closure from the person with BPD traits (pwBPD).  Yet most of us attempt it anyway since we find it incomprehensible to just walk away.  In these confounding relationships it is far better to simply Gift ourselves Closure.

Years ago I read that it was common for therapists with BPD patients to need their own therapists in order to remain grounded.