Seperation with Quiet BPD partner with extreme event.

[jack123aa]

I lived with a quiet BPD partner for 10 years, and about a month ago, after a major argument, we separated.

I met her 10 years ago, when I was 28 and she was 19. Not long after we started dating, she became pregnant with our first child. Because I loved her, I decided that we would have the baby and build a family together.

Before she met me, she often spoke badly about her ex-boyfriend. She said that when they broke up, he tried to take his own life, and at the time I wondered why things had gone that far. She had also had quite a few relationships for someone who was only 19, and she often said that if someone wronged her once, she would never forget it and would completely cut that person off. I thought she was still young and maybe that was just how she was at the time, but I never imagined that it would eventually lead to such a tragedy.

After our first child was born and began growing up, I saw my wife neglect our child and, at times, handle her very harshly. She would place the child on the bed almost as if throwing her down. Once, when our child was running away, she threw a toy at her, hitting her and causing a cut under her nose that bled. Another time, she pushed the child into a door and our child’s head was cut and bleeding. There were actions that felt close to abuse.

I could not understand my wife’s behaviour, so I asked her why she was acting that way. She said things I could not understand, such as that she could not understand the unconditional love of a parent, and that she could not feel a bond with her daughter.

Then one day, I saw my wife self-harming with a knife alone in the bathroom. Later, when I felt I could no longer continue and decided to separate from her, she began threatening suicide. At one point, she tried to take her own life by taking my antidepressant medication, so I took her to the emergency department. There, a doctor told us that she had BPD.

That was when I realised that my wife had borderline personality disorder. But by then, 10 years had already passed, and our second child had already been born.

After that, many pieces of the puzzle slowly began to fit together: her lack of financial awareness, impulsive and risky choices, dangerous driving, and many other signs that seemed consistent with BPD.

Because of the repeated suicide threats, the ongoing neglect and mistreatment of the children, and the constant broken promises, I became financially and mentally exhausted. During one argument, I lost control just once and used violence. I was arrested by the police, and the children left with her.

I became a family violence offender. Now I cannot see my children, and I have to rebuild my life from a completely broken place at the age of 38.

Less than one month after our separation, she is already looking for someone else to date.

I am struggling every single day, not knowing what will happen to my children, what I should do, or whether I will ever be able to care for them again in this completely broken life.

[wantmorepeace]

I am so sorry.  This is not an area in which I have any knowledge or experience to share.  But I can offer sympathy.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to BPD Family.  We do understand what you've had to deal with for so many years.  You will find excellent peer support here in the weeks, months and years to come.

My first thought is that all is not lost.  Yes, you're at a distinct disadvantage as a parent, but recovery after all this is still possible.  We've walked in your shoes, "been there, done that" and hope is not lost.

Have you sought help with local resources such as legal representation with an experienced family law attorney, or if necessary a criminal lawyer?  I recall my divorce lawyer stated his first task was to sit on his new clients... so they would not say anything without his approval so his work was not made more difficult than it already was.  He always said you have the right to remain silent, you do not have to testify against yourself.

It sounds like the separation is quite recent.  Do you have a protection or stay-away order filed against you?  If so, is it still pending without a final ruling?  You need legal guidance to minimize the risk to your parenting.

Is reconciliation a possibility?  Reconciling with your spouse and dropping the recent incident would not mean you could never separate in a future separation or divorce.

You are also encouraged to seek local therapy.  (My lawyer always said, "Courts love counseling!")  Having an expert assist in resolving the relationship issues in your family is always a good thing.

• ... for yourself
• ... for the children (surely they have been impacted by living in a dysfunctional home)
• ... for your spouse (although she is likely to reject therapy since many people with BPD have extreme levels of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting)

While we are neither lawyers nor counselors - we are peer support - we have a wealth of collective experience and are here to share however we can help.

[ForeverDad]

Let me share what happened in my case, though the genders were switched so I admit it is not an exact match to your situation.

My ex was arrested after a particularly extreme ragefest.  I had called the police and they initially asked me to "step away".  My preschooler was in my arms and refused to go to his mother.  They left and after I downloaded my recording of the incident, I made a police report and she was arrested for Threat of DV.  Yes, there was no overt violence as in your case.  But after a few months of continuance her case was dismissed.

Here's what happened when she was released... she promptly went to family court and sought protection from me for herself and our preschooler.  This was when I had just been granted a temporary protection order from her!  Unbelievably to me, family court granted her temp custody and majority parenting time.  I was stunned.  What world was I living in?  I had a temp protection order!

My point is this:  My court viewed a spouse's behavior as separate from a parent's behavior, almost as though two separate people, as nonsensical as that sounds.  All I'm saying is that once there is a review of the family dynamic, your role as parent is not as hopeless as you feel right now.

[jack123aa]

Thank you for your response.

I am currently under a police FVIO, so I am not allowed to contact my ex-wife or my children at all. My ex-wife has also blocked me on all social media and every form of communication.

Despite 10 years of repeated suicidal threats and her BPD diagnosis, her family either does not know about this history or chooses to ignore it. Instead, they have framed me as a domestic violence perpetrator, while my ex-wife has hidden behind the title of a poor victim.

My biggest concern is whether my children will be able to grow up safely and well under the care of a mother with BPD. Her family lives in another state, far away from where I am, which makes it even more difficult for me to see my children.

It is deeply shocking to me that the woman I lived with for 10 years could suddenly damage my reputation so severely, completely cut off all contact, and disappear from my life in this way.

I now believe that reconciliation is not something I should pursue. My ex-wife showed no genuine willingness to seek treatment for her BPD over the past 10 years, and now she also carries the title of a family violence victim. For my own safety, I believe it would not be wise for me to reunite with her.

[ForeverDad]

Okay, you are past one hurdle already... you've concluded there is no expectation for reconciliation in the future.  With that addressed, the priorities now come down to you (1) as a reasonably normal individual and (2) as a father.

You are "currently under a police FVIO".  My guess is that it is temporary and not a "final" order or decision.  It is vital that you don't acquiesce or give up.  It always looks bad and devastating at the start but the reality is that if it has reached a court there are several steps involved.  Each time the other side tries to get you to admit guilt or to agree to "anger management" which in itself is a sort of admission of some culpability, it is up to you to defend yourself.

While you may not be 100% innocent, there are mitigating circumstances due to your spouse's history of conflict, rants and rages, not to mention suicide threats.  Do you have any documentation or witnesses to her poor behavior?

While young children cannot be directly interviewed ("in camera" appearances in court) they can have their own legal representation assigned, known as Guardian ad Litem (GAL).  The GAL would represent the children's interests, not you or your partner.  You may have to ask for a GAL, just be aware that not just any GAL may be helpful, find one respected as unbiased and experienced by the court and other associated experts.  The GAL can recommend to the court what they observe and recommend to the court that the children receive their own counseling.

I don't know which precise process or court you're in but likely a good step for you to take is one all family court cases start their parents with... parenting classes.  If you get a good start at that, it gets you on the right track.  And of course getting some level of legal guidance so you don't make the common clueless mistakes many here did when they first encountered the legal arm of the law.

We know you're concerned for your children, that they may have extended time with their problematic mother.  All of us parents whose adult relationships failed have faced that, you're not alone.  One good thing is that courts have a general mandate to try to enable parental relationships with their children.  So a good perspective is that while the court may defend the "victim", they also should (hopefully) consider the circumstances leading up to the incident.  This is where your legal defense can properly clarify that this was a reaction to repeated long term goading and without a previous pattern.  That separation is a good outcome to avoid future conflict.

Your ex may allege you've been abusive to the children too.  That's common too.  The court may order you, as the alleged perpetrator, to take a "Psych Eval" or other assessment processes.  If at all possible request that any investigative orders include both parents.  If you have any documentation of her BPD diagnosis and history, ensure that is presented and considered too.

This is important.  Since there was NO abuse of the children on your part, the court should eventually conclude the children are safe with you.  If this process has not already started, you should NOT let matters sit overlong with their mother in unchallenged total possession.  You have rights as a father which are up to you to defend.

In my case, my spouse was facing Threat of DV charge but gained temporary custody and temporary majority parenting from my family court which defaulted to preference for mothers.  At the end of the divorce, after cursory Psych Evals and an in-depth Custody Evaluation, I walked out with shared parenting and equal parenting time.  A few more years and I gained full legal guardianship.  A couple more years and I obtained majority parenting time.  Yes, it looked hopeless at first, but gradually court made positive steps for my parenting.

Remember that it is up to you to decide to remain in your children's lives.  You can fight for your rights to be a parent.  There are uncounted split families out there.  Generally, the children spend time with both parents, using a schedule in a court order.  (see the quote below)  It is wisdom to seek as much parental time and authority from the start.  But even a lousy order can be improved upon in future years, as many here have done.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Some 40 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

[zachira]

You are not alone after being treated badly by a female partner for many years, to commit an offense that would result in a conviction for domestic violence. Know that you are much more capable of rehabilitation unlike your wife. Courts look favorable on long term participation in individual therapy and groups for men convicted of domestic violence.