Pwbpd never learned how to share

[Depression = 72% of members]

My fiancé seems to have a very strong anxiety response to household sharing of foods, drinks- almost anything.  I know it’s not specific to me, as when we started dating, her family shared a story about a situation where she came home one weekend from college and got into a MASSIVE blow out argument with her father because he ate can of Spaghettios and that was “hers”

This now translates to my relationship with her.  Constantly, she insists on not just marking “who’s is who”s” on soda, cereal, frozen pizza and meals, juice, chocolate milk, cookies, etc.

I don’t know for sure the root cause of this issue (I imagine it might be because she felt like she never was given a fair opportunity to share when she was younger- but I don’t know).  She gets MASSIVELY angry at me for drinking “her juice” or eating “her chips” or “her frozen meals”.

It’s often followed by me apologizing for eating or drinking something (if it’s a reasonable item that can’t be shared).  I don’t engage when she goes off the handle when I eat from a party or family size bag of chips or something. 

I’m often accused of being selfish, inconsiderate, a narcissist… take your pick.

I don’t care to eat most of what she likes and I do get things that I enjoy for myself.   But she insists on acting like we are roommates or coworkers that have to mark what is hers and what is mine.

Anyone else have this issue?

[Boogie74]

My fiancé seems to have a very strong anxiety response to household sharing of foods, drinks- almost anything.  I know it’s not specific to me, as when we started dating, her family shared a story about a situation where she came home one weekend from college and got into a MASSIVE blow out argument with her father because he ate can of Spaghettios and that was “hers”

This now translates to my relationship with her.  Constantly, she insists on not just marking “who’s is who”s” on soda, cereal, frozen pizza and meals, juice, chocolate milk, cookies, etc.

I don’t know for sure the root cause of this issue (I imagine it might be because she felt like she never was given a fair opportunity to share when she was younger- but I don’t know).  She gets MASSIVELY angry at me for drinking “her juice” or eating “her chips” or “her frozen meals”.

It’s often followed by me apologizing for eating or drinking something (if it’s a reasonable item that can’t be shared).  I don’t engage when she goes off the handle when I eat from a party or family size bag of chips or something. 

I’m often accused of being selfish, inconsiderate, a narcissist… take your pick.

I don’t care to eat most of what she likes and I do get things that I enjoy for myself.   But she insists on acting like we are roommates or coworkers that have to mark what is hers and what is mine.

Anyone else have this issue?

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[Notwendy]

Not as much with food but my BPD mother did this with objects. We weren't allowed to touch or use things that were hers. This went beyond personal items- which we wouldn't do that with anyway, but I avoided cooking anything in her kitchen because it would use her pots and pans. One time, I brought a carton of ice cream in and put it in the freezer and she got angry because I didn't ask permission. I could make a cup of tea in her kitchen without issues but I didn't attempt to do anything else.

I think underlying this behavior is needing a sense of control. This kind of behavior is often driven by anxiety. As to food- pwBPD also can have eating disorders, or your fiancee's behavior may also come from childhood if food was budgeted. Even if there was enough to eat, if one person ate more than their share, others would have less. So she may have some anxiety over her food and knowing it is there if she wants it. For my BPD mother, she felt a need to have control over objects in her house.

I'm the opposite when it comes to communal food and objects. Large family sizes are often less costly in the long run than smaller ones. So even in college, with room mates, we could have our own personal favorites but buy some items in bulk and share them, along with kitchen items as long as everyone cleans up their own mess. It usually worked out for everyone. That may be your thinking too but it doesn't work with your fiancee. She doesn't see it your way, so you would need to accommodate this preference if you choose to move forward with the relationship.