I cannot do it - calling APS

[LyrikalAristotle]

Hello,

Some of you may remember me from my posts a few years ago. As an update, I was able to wrestle my finances free. I graduated from school (later than I was supposed to do b/c of my mom). I got a job as a lawyer in NYC. Unfortunately, I had to take my mom with me because she couldn’t be left alone.

It has been a nightmare from start to finish. The verbal multi hour assaults, being demonized for lying when I’m trying to keep her safe from herself, having the cops come to my house, etc. Then her medical needs just continue increasing and I’m sleeping maybe two or three days out of the week for 4 hours or less. Then the difficulties and verbal assaults coming from her trying to regulate.

I can’t take it anymore. I’m doing something today after I spoke with a family member that lives with her brother. He’s the exact same way. The situation will never get better.

Am I unethical? She has an appointment in our home state and I’m taking her back there and I’m calling 911 to report that I am an abused caregiver and I am leaving. She doesn’t know what I’m planning and she’s been abusing me for days thinking that I am still the same person.

I’ve called everyone and let them know that I’m leaving her on Sunday so that she can’t destroy me by Monday morning. I’m so conflicted because I do not ordinarily operate this way, and I’m definitely going to shatter her heart and become public enemy #1.

I also have to take her dog. She’s 14, and I do not want to leave this to chance on her own wellbeing. It was not suppose to end this way, but if I do not do something, I will quite literally die. My body is giving out on me.

Am I wrong????

[wantmorepeace]

IMHO, you are not wrong.  I relate to your desparation.  What you are describing is more than a person should be expected to stand.  Your well-being is at stake and this is doing nothing to improve hers.  I do not know the logistical options you have but saving yourself is critical.

[CC43]

Hi Aristotle,

Welcome back.  I'm really glad you graduated and achieved financial independence.  But I'm sorry you're at the end of your rope with your disordered mom.  That she treats you badly in spite of all that you've done for her just proves she's mentally impaired.

I think you need to do what you have to do to get away from your mom.  I'm just not clear on whether you're kicking your mom out of YOUR home, or if you're leaving her home to go somewhere else.  If it's the latter, I think you just leave and not tell her where you're going.  If I remember correctly, your mom has financial resources, so she can figure out her own situation.

[LyrikalAristotle]

I was smart enough to keep her home when I moved. She’s going back to hers and I will leave and go back to my own.

[CC43]

OK Aristotle.  You take your mom back to her home and you go back to yours.  There is nothing wrong with that!

I'd say, if your mom is tormenting you, you go ahead and block her on your phone.  Is there a risk she'll come looking for you at your place?  Then change your locks, if she has a key.  If she bangs on your door, you call the cops.  If she threatens you with violence, call the cops.  If necessary, you get a restraining order, and if she violates it in any way, you call 911.

But I suspect that maybe your mom isn't the physical assaulting type, but rather the type of person who thinks she's helpless, and she whines and puts up a fuss at all hours to get you to be her slave.  I think the way to deal with that is to cut off communications with her.  She can get help elsewhere--social services, senior services, a hospital, neighbors, other family members.  She has money, so let her take care of herself for once.  If she has a physical disability, she can arrange for appropriate care, or possibly move to assisted living.  Sure, she might feel emotionally dependent on you, needing to whine and lash out at you whenever she feels like it.  Well that's going to stop because you're not hearing it anymore.

You are responsible for YOU.  She's responsible for her.  You worry about YOU.  She can worry about herself.

I think that once you get some time and space away from your mom, you'll start to feel a little better.  It might take some time and adjustment, but right now, it sounds like you're having a trauma-based response, of fight or flight.  Maybe your brain is working overtime, worrying about the potential repercussions, because let's face it, your mom is extremely disodered.  But that's not your concern right now.  You need to get back on track to taking care of YOU.  That includes getting regular sleep, eating right, taking care of your finances and doing your job.  If you need therapy, get it.  Once things settle down, you can breathe a little easier and maybe have time for exercise, hobbies, friends.  You deserve that.

Also, I don't want you to feel guilty.  That's just your mom playing Jedi mind tricks on you.  A healthy mom would be over the moon that her kid got a law degree and a job in NYC.  A healthy mom would want her adult child to flourish.  So you go do that, OK?

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you for all the abuse you have endured and are enduring at the hands of your mother. I also have enormous respect for all you have accomplished despite being raised by and caring for an abusive mother.

The final goal here seems to be to not have to be responsible for taking care of your mother. I do think that you must carefully plan how to do this so you accomplish this goal. Even though you are a lawyer, it could make a lot of sense to consult an attorney who specializes in dealing with children refusing to no longer care for an abusive parent and how to chart the best path forward.

Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help.

[Notwendy]

CC43 is correct when she said an emotionally healthy mother would want her child to thrive. This is not the case for you, and it wasn't for me.

It's good that your mother has her house, but can she manage on her own there? It's also good that she has financial resources. However what can't be known is how she manages them and that isn't something you can control.

Some key questions here-
   How old is your mother?

   Is she on Medicare? Federal doesn't change from state to state but the supplements are state specific. It can be transfered from state to state but that needs to be done.

    Do you have a POA for her to do things on her behalf if you need to (and if she lets you).

   Zachira made a good point about consulting an elder law attorney for information. Understandable that this is too much of a toll on you, but knowing the state laws and what services are available for your mother is something you would want to know before you carry out your plan.

   I consulted one and it was worth the cost to do so. Although you are a lawyer- and there are also some lawyers in my circle to ask- Elder Law is state specific and this wasn't their specialty, or their state. I needed to consult a lawyer in my mother's state.

  In my mother's state, the law leans heavily on protecting the elder parent, not the children. So although she was the one who was abusive, there was nothing in place to protect the adult children.

  So, I think your plan to get your mother out of your house is understandable- for your own well being. I could not have emotionally handled this situation with my own mother. However, in her state, and at her age- such a claim would be hearsay, it carried no weight. It may be different in your mother's, but I think being aware of your mother's rights, and yours in her state, would be good to know if you haven't looked into that yet.

[Methuen]

All of the above (agreeing with comments from NW, Z, CC, WMP).

Aristotle, pick a client you know.  Any client. Imagine this is their story instead of yours.  Put on your lawyer hat and listen to the problem.  What objective professional advice would you give a client across the desk/table in this situation? 

I do not think you are being unethical.

In fact, my question is "why are you asking if your plan is unethical?"  Whose voice is suggesting that this is unethical, and what are the exact words that voice is saying?  You see my point?

My uBPD mother passed away in January.  About 15 years ago she put non-stop pressure on us to let her move in with us.  She told everyone she knew (and we knew) about her plan to move in, as a tactic to pressure/guilt/obligate us publicly.  My good husband took the pressure off of me, and one day finally told her in frustration that was just never going to happen.  She went nuclear, and tried to smear us (unsuccessfully), but she never moved in with us.

That is their playbook.  To move near/in with a child and be "looked after", for many reasons, one of which includes having a source for their own narcissistic supply.  It sounds like you got drawn into that black hole, but are now finding a way to claw yourself out and survive.

It feels very strange to say this to you (a lawyer), but my H and I kept texts, emails, phone recordings, and detailed notes of my mom's behaviors and abuse for 3 years. We also included all the things we did for her in our notes, which could easily be corroborated with witnesses, appointment histories etc.  We hoped we would never need it, but if evidence was required, we were ready. It was exhausting to do all that documentation, but it was our insurance, so that we could show evidence of her behavior and treatment towards us, and everything we had done to try to help and support her.

I have a question about the dog.

I also have to take her dog. She’s 14, and I do not want to leave this to chance on her own wellbeing.

I think you are saying you are going to keep the dog?  (Or are you saying the dog is travelling back with you to your mom's place?)

What if your mom claims you stole/abducted her dog?  How would her state law see this?  You know your mom best.  I don't know if this could become a problem if your mom decides to strike back at you in revenge.  Revenge is another tool in their playbook. I understand your concern is for the well-being of the dog.  But from her point of view, you will have stolen her dog. Could this get messy?  And if it did, could it complicate your work as a lawyer or jeopardize your security or reputation?

Personally I think the biggest misstep is to let a toxic parent move in.  Taking her back to her own home - you aren't the first person in history to do this.   

My advice, when the moment comes to break it to her, take the daughter hat off and put on the lawyer hat: stay neutral and professional.  She's going to have a big reaction, but don't give her one back.  Stay level and composed, whatever the words she throws at you.  Pretend she is a client, and keep the emotions in check.  Leave when you need to.

This might be the hardest thing you will have to do in your life.  But then you will be able to live your life, and it will be remarkably more peaceful. Imagine that...

Aristotle?  Do you already have a therapist? 

[Notwendy]

I understand your situation. I think your situation is what my mother would have preferred, but having tried to assist when my father was ill- and experiencing what you have- not able to sleep, being worn down emotionally and physically with her constant demands, I knew I couldn't do that.

I had wanted to be of help, but in what I had seen as a "normal" arrangement between an elderly parent and adult child may have some challenges but also there was some mutual caring, trust,  and cooperation between them.

None of this was present with my BPD mother. While her children are reliable, BPD mother was not. She hid information from us, lied, and had no concern for our well being. For her, it was about what she wanted. Yet, she could not manage on her own.

In BPD mother's state, the law protects the elderly person.  If BPD mother was angry at a caretaker for having boundaries, she would call it "elder abuse".  While she never pursued this legally- this scared them, and some refused to work with her. While I understand your plan and your feelings- one concern is if your mother accuses you. A parallel concern in relationships is if the man is being abused, and calls 911, sometimes the woman with BPD then accuses him. The law is biased when it comes to male and female abuse and sometimes calling 911 on the abusive wife results in her false claim of abuse and the man is arrested.

In the US, the system for elder care leans heavily on family. Most assisted living is self pay and not covered by Medicare/Medicaid. Since your mother has resources, these could be put towards that, which would require some discussion and agreement on her part. While this situation still can be challenging ( and it was still with BPD mother), it is less of a strain on you in terms of daily caregiving.

If family isn't available, or able, there may be a way for the state to take guardianship of that person.I didn't pursue that path, so I don't know the details. There was a poster here who did that. At first, he brought his BPD mother to his home, like you did but it was not a safe situation for his children, and so- she eventually became a ward of the state.

These kinds of laws are state specific. While your wish to not take on your mother to this extent is understandable- whether or not your ability to claim abuse holds in your mother's state- or puts you at risk - I don't know. Maybe you do already since you have a law background. I don't, so I asked.