feeling depressed, cranky, and useless

[wantmorepeace]

Hi, folks!  There is no doubt that I have made progress in understanding my own responses to my pwubpd  As a result, I  believe that my anxiety and FOG are lower.  But now I find myself feeling depressed, cranky (at work -- yikes!), and -- as a result of that -- rather inept.  Wondering whether others have had this experience and have any words of wisdom -- or just support. 

I've heard it said that coming to terms with your relationship with somebody with bpd can be like the 5 stages of grief, so maybe I'm just in the depression stage -- which is the one right before acceptance!  That would be good!

[Notwendy]

I have another idea about this. I think when we are focused on someone else- the behavior, stress, chaos, the trying to fix, appease them, we do this to the extent of not feeling our own feelings. Now, with the space, your own feelings are more apparent.

The grief is a different kind of grief. I found that, the less drama in my relationship with my BPD mother, the more "empty" the relationship felt. I think the drama was a part of the relationship and it was a substitute for what is actual intimacy, closeness. I think we perceive the relationship through our own feelings and wishes, or if drama is what we learned as "feeling close"- once it's gone, there's a sense of loss.

Our family members are the only "family" we know. What we sense as a relationship- that is all we know. It was a daunting shock to actually perceive my mother in the way she was and what the basis of our relationship actually was. I don't mean this critically. It's that I saw it the way I wanted to see it before that. The grief involved the loss of that perception, not what the relationship actually was, not the actual loss of a relationship.

I don't think you will ever not "want to have a sister" in the way you wished for that, and I don't think any of us stop wanting a parent or sibling.

The good news is that, once aware of our own feelings, we can process them, do self care. Our focus on someone else was a way to manage our own feelings and without them, we now have to deal with them. No need to judge them or you for having them. If you feel that way, well you do.