feeling depressed, cranky, and useless

[wantmorepeace]

Hi, folks!  There is no doubt that I have made progress in understanding my own responses to my pwubpd  As a result, I  believe that my anxiety and FOG are lower.  But now I find myself feeling depressed, cranky (at work -- yikes!), and -- as a result of that -- rather inept.  Wondering whether others have had this experience and have any words of wisdom -- or just support. 

I've heard it said that coming to terms with your relationship with somebody with bpd can be like the 5 stages of grief, so maybe I'm just in the depression stage -- which is the one right before acceptance!  That would be good!

[Notwendy]

I have another idea about this. I think when we are focused on someone else- the behavior, stress, chaos, the trying to fix, appease them, we do this to the extent of not feeling our own feelings. Now, with the space, your own feelings are more apparent.

The grief is a different kind of grief. I found that, the less drama in my relationship with my BPD mother, the more "empty" the relationship felt. I think the drama was a part of the relationship and it was a substitute for what is actual intimacy, closeness. I think we perceive the relationship through our own feelings and wishes, or if drama is what we learned as "feeling close"- once it's gone, there's a sense of loss.

Our family members are the only "family" we know. What we sense as a relationship- that is all we know. It was a daunting shock to actually perceive my mother in the way she was and what the basis of our relationship actually was. I don't mean this critically. It's that I saw it the way I wanted to see it before that. The grief involved the loss of that perception, not what the relationship actually was, not the actual loss of a relationship.

I don't think you will ever not "want to have a sister" in the way you wished for that, and I don't think any of us stop wanting a parent or sibling.

The good news is that, once aware of our own feelings, we can process them, do self care. Our focus on someone else was a way to manage our own feelings and without them, we now have to deal with them. No need to judge them or you for having them. If you feel that way, well you do.

[CC43]

Hi Wantmore,

I don't know.  Sometimes I feel depressed and cranky for no apparent reason.  (I don't usually feel useless, but that probably doesn't matter).  However, I think that sometimes feeling depressed and cranky is basically a physical and emotional manifestation of stress.  More often than not, it's when I'm battling minor physical ailments, like a persistent cold, a hurt limb, itchy skin, headaches from an outdated contact lens prescription, carpal tunnel after too much time on the computer.  These ailments might make it hard for me to get a good night's rest.  Add to that some work stress, familial dysfunction or bad news, and BAM!, I feel especially testy.  It's in these periods that I double down on healthy habits:  eating right, getting regular exercise, getting sleep.  The crankier I feel, the more I focus on healthy habits, and I try to ease up on my schedule.  I'll try to unwind with gentle stretching, a walk in the sunshine, a bath or reading an easy book.  I also try to put something enjoyable in my calendar:  a weekend away, a day at the beach, a date at the movies, whatever.  Just having something fun to look forward to can brighten my spirits.

I know, this response isn't directly about BPD, but I've lived with BPD dysfunction in my life for long enough to know that it can be really stressful.  The misplaced rage, the sabotaging, the anger, the accusations, the financial burden . . . we're not wired to be constantly attacked, on edge or fearful about the next blow-up.  I think the constant, low-level stress can really wear you down.  That's why here we emphasize self-care so much.

Also, I've noticed that it can take time to recover from big changes.  A sickness in the family, the rupture of an important relationship, a change like moving out of town, a new job, a birth in the family--it takes time to adjust.  Give yourself some grace, try not to beat yourself up over not feeling like your normal self yet.

I hope you take care of yourself.

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you.  Both of these replies feel right on point to me.  I'm grieving a loss and I'm stressed.  I have been trying to take good care of myself but can definitely do better.  I think the other pieces I really need to add are forgiving myself for being in the state I'm in and knowing that "this too shall piece."

Open to any other advice too!

[JsMom]

Wantmorepeace.
I relate to your mentioning that you are going through the stages of grief.  I feel the same. It makes sense that we are. You are making changes and feeling more of your feelings now that you have room to. They seem to pop up uninvited don't they? I have more compassion for pwbpd as theirs are so very intense. My only advice is to be gentle with yourself as you are with others. You are healing and I feel like good self care moves things along better than pushing and pulling at ourselves to be in a different place. I'm saying that for myself because I too want to feel better and do better. I am not always so accepting of my struggles.  All I know is, you have encouraged me. I think you are on a good path.

[wantmorepeace]

Exactly, I struggle with my struggles. Trying to accept them.