Struggling to let go

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, I'm new here and I need help.
I had an extramarital affair with a woman who although undiagnosed I strongly suspect has BPD. I realise that my own personality played a big part in our relationship though. Our affair lasted over 3 years and initially we were both married. She told me that her husband was a controlling pig who never understood her and that she had wanted to leave him for years. She had problems with anxiety and alcohol abuse and I felt that I could help her. She overcame her alcohol addiction, left her husband and I was desperately in love with her and committed to leaving my wife for her. I felt that I had played a significant supportive role in her life and that my support had enabled her and given her the strength to overcome her problems. Once she was emotionally stronger she started pulling away from me and fixation on another friendship which caused me great pain and distress. I became more and more jealous  and obsessed with her to the point where I pushed her away and she has blocked me on all platforms. I am trying to reconcile with my wife but I cannot get her out of my mind, I am undergoing therapy and have made significant strides but, I feel the need to contact her so badly. I need help on how to deal with this please.

[Fooledinlove]

Hi, I'm new here and I need help.
I had an extramarital affair with a woman who although undiagnosed I strongly suspect has BPD. I realise that my own personality played a big part in our relationship though. Our affair lasted over 3 years and initially we were both married. She told me that her husband was a controlling pig who never understood her and that she had wanted to leave him for years. She had problems with anxiety and alcohol abuse and I felt that I could help her. She overcame her alcohol addiction, left her husband and I was desperately in love with her and committed to leaving my wife for her. I felt that I had played a significant supportive role in her life and that my support had enabled her and given her the strength to overcome her problems. Once she was emotionally stronger she started pulling away from me and fixation on another friendship which caused me great pain and distress. I became more and more jealous  and obsessed with her to the point where I pushed her away and she has blocked me on all platforms. I am trying to reconcile with my wife but I cannot get her out of my mind, I am undergoing therapy and have made significant strides but, I feel the need to contact her so badly. I need help on how to deal with this please.

[Eazie520]

I know the easy thing to do would be to judge. But it sounds like there is a lot of inner conflict.  Why do you want to reconcile with your wife if you are still thinking about this woman? My advice would be to cintinue with therapy to address the underlying issue that keeps you wanting the other woman.  Maybe you should put the reconciliation on hold untold you get a clear idea of what you want or you can find peace with ending the relationship with the other woman.  Good luck

[Larmoyant]

Hi Fooledinlove and welcome to BPD Family  . It sounds as if you are still emotionally enmeshed with your ex which I know is a painful place to be. Can I ask what your therapist has said about your need to contact her? What would you hope to achieve by making contact? What made you decide to try to reconcile with your wife? Sorry, that’s a lot of questions, but it will help to understand and offer you support.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Fooledinlove,



I'm sorry to hear about your breakup and the struggle to get her out of your mind. You are not alone. There are members here who have been in similar situations, and understand what you are going through. Things really can get better, Fooledinlove. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but you are doing the right thing by getting professional help. Therapy really helped me after my breakup with pwBPD.

These kinds of relationships can become very emotionally loaded, so I can understand your feeling a bit obsessed with your ex-girlfriend.

How long has it been since the breakup?
How are you taking care of yourself—are you getting enough sleep, eating well, getting some exercise?

It's important to give the body/mind time to rebalance before making major life decisions, if possible.

Keep writing; it helps to share. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Fooledinlove]

Thank you very much for your replies and support. My girlfriend broke up with me in November last year, after many breakups and makeups. She would break up if she thought I was criticising her in any way and she would block all contact which drove me crazy.
I have been receiving therapy for the past seven months and although I am making great strides in the areas of self esteem, setting boundaries etc. I can not get my ex girlfriend out of my mind. I still love her very much and I care for her and worry about her welfare. I sleep very badly but, I have given up smoking and my appetite has improved. I lost 10 kilograms over the past 4 months. I have started going to gym and exercising so, I am taking care of myself in many ways. My wife is a good and kind woman who is understanding and supportive of me despite my betrayal of her. The only thing I am really struggling to do is to move forward. I think that I may still be living in hope that there is still a chance for us to be together. 

[Larmoyant]

.My girlfriend broke up with me in November last year, after many breakups and makeups.

.

I think that I may still be living in hope that there is still a chance for us to be together.

.

Hi Fooledinlove, it’s so hard to let go of all hope  .  I’m still struggling with it and it seems to be very common around here. The trouble is we get used to the frequent make-up/break-ups and it never seems to be truly over. I’m not sure if you’ve read this article yet, but it might help you. Here’s the link:  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I think ‘hope’ is linked to No.5 which discusses how frequent past break-up/make-up cycles condition us to think that we can return to the idealization stage of the relationship.

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return to the idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking. Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship. As natural relationship realities that develop over time clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time. The most realistic representation of your relationship is not what you once had – it is what has been developing over time.

 

[steelwork]

Hi Fooledinlove--welcome to this place where we are all picking up the pieces as best we can. I'm writing on a phone, so I will keep it short, but I wanted to say that I relate to a lot of what you wrote. If you're curious, you can look at some of my early posts. I think the fact that my r/s, like yours, was an affair is a confounding factor all its own. Even more than most disordered relationships, these ones are based on a lot of fantasy, and that makes the aftermath disorienting in a particular way. Anyhow, I hope you're holding up okay, and maybe I'll write more when I get wifi!

[hopealways]

Welcome to the world of the BPD.
This is a very serious emotional disorder without a cure.
You cannot get the BPD out of your mind because she has triggered a primal emotional struggle inside you which must be addressed.
No emotionally healthy person will be obsessed with a borderline.
Chaotic upbringing? Mother with BPD characteristics? Codependent?
Running back to your wife is also not a solution, it is a bandaid.
Seek therapy to see why you were attracted to a borderline. They all have stories about abusive partners and demonize them. You will never know the truth.
Best advice is stay away from the BPD and get therapy.