Anyone have a PWBPD who is male?

[Watermelon18]

Hi,

My boyfriend has not been diagnosed formally with BPD, but my mom was, and I have read so many books on it. I'd be shocked if he didn't have it. I'm operating as though he does have it.

I've read lots of posts on here, and lots of them are about females with BPD. There may be no difference, but does anyone know about possible differences?

He is very verbally abusive when triggered (splitting) and so it was not possible for us to live together anymore. He became homeless, but he is now getting help (because of me and my direction) to getting some transitional housing.

I do notice that having boundaries is critical. I was afraid for many years to implement boundaries because I thought that he'd leave me. However, that is not the case.

Things are still hard, but much better since we don't live together.

Anyone else out there with a bpd boyfriend as opposed to girlfriend?

And anyone out there experience other people judging the fact that you are still with your bpd person? I feel that it is hard to be with them, but I simply don't want to leave the relationship. People just have a hard time understanding....

Thanks!!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

Is he resistant to the concept of counseling or therapy?  If so, that's very common, regardless of gender.  The blaming and blame shifting, among many other traits raised to an unwelcome extreme, typically make getting sessions with a therapist and continuing them so very hard.

If he's not in productive therapy, then you're right, Boundaries are very important.  However, pwBPD traits, whether diagnosed or not, resist boundaries.  So the alternative - which sadly is not very intuitive - is that boundaries are for us.  How so?  Boundaries are protections for us when we need to determine a response to poor behavior.  A very simplistic example might be saying, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will or won't do ___."  So while we can't force someone to behave better, we can ensure they know that we can deal with poor behavior in one way or another.  We're not helpless nor do we need to be compliant, complicit or appeasing.

On our Tools & Skills Workshops board we have topics on Boundaries and so much more that are very helpful as we educate ourselves.

[CC43]

Hi there,

The pwBPD in my life is female, but I have experience with undiagnosed NPD and also BPD traits in males.

I'd say there is a lot of overlap in the day-to-day manifestation.  I'm familiar with the over-the-top anger, blaming, misplaced aggression, going from 0-to-60 over nothing.  The entitlement, the constant need for attention and reassurance, the demandingness.  The manipulative tactics and need for control.  The semi-delusional thoughts and beliefs, the twisted narratives they tell, which easily turn into outright lying and/or false accusations.  The refusal to apologize or take any responsibility for harm that is caused.  Their feelings of being slighted, ignored, not special enough, not catered to enough by others, and lashing out to reclaim attention.  The rules for thee but not for me, plus the surveillance and attempts to control your every move.  The lack of emotional control and maturity, the low frustration tolerance, the self-centeredness, the apparent lack of empathy.  The unfair attempts to punish and exact retribution which are disproportionate to the offense you supposedly committed.  The insults which bear no relation to the conflict at hand.  And the effects on loved ones, who walk on eggshells trying to avoid another outburst, who feel trapped and wonder how on earth they ended up like this, a shadow of a former self, emotionally, financially and physically depleted.

I'm not aware of a "male" vs. a "female" version of BPD, except perhaps mirroring the traditional male/female traits and roles.  Males might be considered physically strong and more assertive, and so might use these traits to their advantage in a conflict.  The uNPD in my life would assert his dominance by brandishing weapons, bulking up and getting in your face, for example.  A male might be more concerned about his "honor" and status, and so might try to prevent you from interacting with any other men, let alone do anything to diminish his "status," such as earn more money or professional accolades.  But I think this sort of thing cuts both ways, because I think a woman can be equally "jealous" and accuse her male partner of disrespecting her, merely by glancing at another female.