Seeing Through the Mask and Not Be Another Flying Monkey with Two Sisters

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Lately I have been struggling with trying to see people for who they are beneath the image they try to sell to others, particularly people outside their close inner circles. The people I feel I can let my hair down with are open, honest, comfortable in their own skin most of the time, and don't worry too much about impressing others unnecessarily.

I am estranged from my older narcissistic sister. There are two sisters I have known for many many years. The younger sister is estranged from her older sister. I had been wondering about the anger and distress the older sister shows towards her younger sister over the estrangement. A few days ago, the older sister was with a group of close family members and the nasty comments she made about her younger sister made me see the light. I had never seen this side of the older sister whom I have always liked more than the younger sister. (Superficial charm can be so hard to see through sometimes.) As the only non family member in the group, I was witnessing the older sister's smear campaign of her younger sister. I know that this is what my older sister has done to me and partly why many members of my large extended family want nothing to do with me.

Please share similar experiences you have had, how you have become wiser and more aware of the kind of people you are dealing with. I have tried for years not to judge the situation between the sisters and wondering what the real story was. Now I feel that I cannot trust the older sister. Smear campaigns are so hurtful to so many people.

[zachira]

Lately I have been struggling with trying to see people for who they are beneath the image they try to sell to others, particularly people outside their close inner circles. The people I feel I can let my hair down with are open, honest, comfortable in their own skin most of the time, and don't worry too much about impressing others unnecessarily.

I am estranged from my older narcissistic sister. There are two sisters I have known for many many years. The younger sister is estranged from her older sister. I had been wondering about the anger and distress the older sister shows towards her younger sister over the estrangement. A few days ago, the older sister was with a group of close family members and the nasty comments she made about her younger sister made me see the light. I had never seen this side of the older sister whom I have always liked more than the younger sister. (Superficial charm can be so hard to see through sometimes.) As the only non family member in the group, I was witnessing the older sister's smear campaign of her younger sister. I know that this is what my older sister has done to me and partly why many members of my large extended family want nothing to do with me.

Please share similar experiences you have had, how you have become wiser and more aware of the kind of people you are dealing with. I have tried for years not to judge the situation between the sisters and wondering what the real story was. Now I feel that I cannot trust the older sister. Smear campaigns are so hurtful to so many people.

[Notwendy]

For me, the damage to the relationships in the family and friends that were influenced by my BPD mother are already done- and so not ongoing. However- this was significant-and hurtful. Some of who were at one time her flying monkeys did reconcile with me, and while I have welcomed that, it's with some guardedness.

For me, I think the result of this is being guarded with other relationships and potential new ones. After all, if even some of my closest family members can "turn" on me, then so could friends and other people as well.

Still, I don't want to be closed off to friendships but I will take my time with becoming familiar and attached. Sometimes we just don't know. I keep in mind the Maya Angelou statement- "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

I recently had an old friend drop and ghost me and did the same to some other people I know. I have learned she's friends with a woman that people I know suspect has BPD. We have no idea what this possible BPD woman is saying to her about her other friends but it seems this former friend is now possibly another flying monkey.

I have reached out to her, given her many opportunities to reconnect, left the door open, but she continues with her stance. I didnt know this before but now that this "former friend" has "shown me who she is", I have to accept this new reality.

Its hurtful when this happens and we grieve. It's even harder when it's a family member. For your older sister- she herself is dealing with the disordered family dynamics. While she did badmouth the younger one- its also her own fears and insecurities in the family system that led her to believe she needs to go along with the family narrative or be exiled or targeted herself. She may have a weak sense of self from the dynamics.

Zachira- often the most emotionally healthy, strongest, and truthful family member becomes the scapegoat.  Often the truthteller, the one who sees most clearly becomes the target. Your seeing through the disordered dynamics can be a threat to the others who depend on them for their own sense of self.

You have moved past the family dysfunction. They haven't. This isn't something wrong on your part, nor is it a failure on your part. You're the one changing the cycle for you. However, it's also hard to be in this solo, without your family as support, but it's because they are too disordered to be able to do that for you.

You are strong though. You've got this!

[zachira]

Notwendy,
We interact differently with people because of our experiences with our disordered families. I too take my time to get to know people before I feel I can trust them. I know people who grew up in loving families who get who is who very easily and surround themselves with healthy people while easily turning away the disordered ones early on most of the time. Yet we all get fooled sometimes by people who are charming and do not show a part of their true selves that is disturbing until much later, often many years down the road like your friend did. I recently read that disordered people often manipulate others by finding out what that person needs. Once the person is getting a need meet by this disordered person, they often make the mistake of blocking out any negative information.Taking time to get to know a person before sharing personal information is a safe boundary to have. I know I tend to overshare due to being abused and neglected by my family though I continue to improve on setting this boundary. Polarized views of any person are never healthy. We are all human beings with positive and negative traits. Sometimes a trait can be positive or negative depending on the situation  I am wary of people who have polarized views about anybody or anything. I value friendships with people I can learn from and they are willing to learn from me, as we continue to grow in positive ways.

[Notwendy]

I suspect that this former friend might have some aspects of NPD. While we two were not especially close ourselves, I looked at this as a friendship between families as a whole. (it didn't involve BPD mother or her family- no relation to that side)

While it hurts to lose a friend- this one affected me more than to lose a friend I was not especially close to, and possibly a disordered one. I realize now that it is similar to my BPD mother's behavior- where-she may have had an issue with one person, and rather than attempting to work things out- just promptly dumped/ghosted, and then, her family is pulled to her side.

It occured to me that one reason this situation affected me like it did is that it is similar to the situation I grew up with, where BPD mother's behavior had a level of control over the other members of the family, and where non disordered people are "discarded" based on the words of a disordered person.

Logically- this isn't a loss. I wouldn't wish to continue a friendship with someone who does this, but I think it's the dynamics that made this more upsetting to me than it probably was. It's also possible that the dynamics felt familiar enough that I didn't notice them as much, and felt a friendship where possibly there really wasn't one on her part.